The Chickenlady Guide to Giving The Talk
Many of The Talks have happened in the car - I suspect it's more to do with having my undivided attention than not having to look me in the eye, but maybe that too.

Talk Two - Relationships

So we'd already covered the basics of anatomy and the mechanics of sex and the biologically intended outcome of babies - remember the chickens.

The next bit that I felt I needed to address was Relationships - it's no good if my sons know what goes where and so on but have no idea that ones feelings enter into all this.

Again this was some years ago. The conversation began with one of them asking me what the word 'gay' meant as it was being used in the playground and they didn't understand it but knew it was something rude.

Me You know how there are mummies and daddies who love each other? Well sometimes some men only want to be with other men-

Son #1 You mean like Uncle David in the army?

Me Er, no. Uncle David is in the army but he's married to Auntie Sally and the army isn't just for men you know.

Ha! Nip that stereotype and sexist thinking in the bud right there! I will have liberal, openminded sons!

Me I mean that some men and some women decide that they want to share their lives with other men or other women.


Okay, so we'd got that one straight, the boys moaned that children in the playground were calling each other gay and being nasty - the usual schoolground stuff. The conversation developed on to sex…as it so often does…

Son #1 So if I have a girlfriend have I got to have sex with her?

Me No sweetheart. When the time comes that you both feel ready to 'share' your bodies with each other...

[Me? Preach? Nooooo! Vomit bags can be found near the exits, thank you.]

...then you will want to make love or have sex. It is really, really important that you wait until you find someone you really care about. Don't lie to them, never ever tell one girl you really like her and then start going out with another one at the same time - that's just wrong. But having a girlfriend is about being with someone because you like them, it's not just about sex and it's not something to rush into.

Son #2 When will all this happen?

Me Probably when you're in your late teens or maybe after that - there's no hurry.

The sound of two pre-pubescent boys thinking this one over………………

Son #1 So mummy what you're saying is that when we're about 18 we'll have girlfriends and we'll have sex with them. And we'll be nice to them and not lie to them and like them too.

Me Yes. That's about the size of it.

I was now feeling very smug with myself - I had done The Talk and covered the basics of relationships - what a wonderful mother I was! I could take over from Trisha or even Jeremy Kyle!

Son #1 But mummy does this mean we'll have to……kiss them!?


Ah you foolish woman….you may hope that you're setting down foundations for them to grow into good men but you forget that they are small boys who think girls smell funny.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 12:14, 9 replies)

Girls
do smell funny.

*punches chickenlady on the arm and runs away giggling*
(Bazongaloid, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 12:17, closed)

That's because
we WASH!


*chases with scrubbing brush*
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 12:21, closed)

Noooooo!
I had a bath this year already!

*jumps in muddy patch and rolls around*

Of course, when I say muddy patch I mean paddling pool full of chocolate spread.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 12:22, closed)

Chocolate spread you say......

( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 12:44, closed)

They do
But it's an awesome kind of funny.
(callombard, Thu 2 Oct 2008, 5:19, closed)

When the time comes...

for my boys to have 'the talk', I'll just drop them off at your pad if that's ok...

I have a feeling that you'll do a far better job of it than I will

Hope you're feeling better btw :)

*click* btw btw
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 26 Sep 2008, 12:29, closed)

Yes thanks, much better
Dressed and out for bed for the first time in four days!
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 12:43, closed)

click
for the right-on-ness.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 12:36, closed)

So right-on it hurts.
:D
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 12:43, closed)