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This is a question My sex misconceptions

Freddy Woo writes, "aged eight, a boy from my class told me everything these was to know about sex: male prostitutes are called destitutes and women use tampons to stop men sticking their willies up them. Also, women pee out their bums, something I didn't realise was wrong until I was about 18 and my first girlfriend looked at me aghast."

Share everything - Uncle B3ta wants to know.

zero points for conception/misconception jokes

(, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 15:54)
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This question is now closed.

Whoa there Legless ...
With regard to kmwip's well deserved flaming ... I didn't hear anyone defending the actions of his slutty little ho bag of an ex.

She cheated on him. That is wrong. There is, however, no law against it.

He however, deliberately inflicted agony on her genitalia, laughed at said agony over the disembodied medium of the phone and then BRAGGED ABOUT IT online.

Opinion seems to be divided on whether this is a sexual assault or a jolly old Jeremy Beadle-esque "where's your sense of humour love" jape.

In order to clear up this confusion, I suggest that kmwip seeks an independant third party's opinion.

Preferably from the nearest police officer.
(, Tue 30 Sep 2008, 5:32, 62 replies)
I've just found out, thanks to the bunnie-boiler who flamed Kiss.Me.Where.I.Poo, that I've been labouring under a sexual misconception for years. Apparently, fucking someone else when you're involved in a relationship is actually called "relationship overlap" and not "you fucking lying, cheating scum" which is how I've always referred to it.

You live and learn.

(, Tue 30 Sep 2008, 4:33, 7 replies)
No matter how many times I've been sent the story via email or read it online,
I simply don't believe anyone has ever managed nor even wanted to accomplish the feat of inserting a live gerbil up their arse via a cardboard tube, never mind retrieving it in a comedy fashion.
(, Tue 30 Sep 2008, 2:06, 9 replies)
Not mine but..
A girl that was part of our social crowd when I was about 16 was sweet, good humoured and pretty open about her sexuality.

Whilst discussing periods and the attendant pain/bloating/jamrags etc she mentioned that we as guys were lucky not to have this monthly inconvienence.

"Ah but we do", were the words that spouted out of my mouth, "every month males have testestivity which can only be solved by release of the sperm build up."

"I never knew that" was the response from the wonderfully gullible lass.

"In fact I'm suffering at the moment" I replied.

Result, a monthly wank which soon became BJ's and Shags with no commitment for about a year until she discovered I had lied....

Worth it though
(, Tue 30 Sep 2008, 1:59, 1 reply)
Bit of a weirdo
After my first relationship, which included bites, knife play, blood etc ended...imagine my new boyfriend's terror when I started what he presumed was attacking him!!!!
(, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 22:40, 1 reply)
As a four-year-old I once went up to my Ma and asked:
"Ma, do babies come from eggs?"
"Yes, sort of..." She replied.
I promptly burst into tears and started pointing at my crotch.
"Oh no!" I said "I think I have twins down here!"

Later on, when I was probably around nine or ten, having seen one particularly misleading scene on TV late at night, I somehow got it into my head that to make a girl pregnant you had to piss up her arse. Then I thought I had got myself pregnant by splashback from the toilet.
(, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 21:52, 1 reply)
what kind of idiot gets misconceptions about the easiest thing ever.
All you do is put your willy in there bum and piss.

(, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 21:49, 7 replies)
A few truths.
Love bites on teenagers are vulgar and tacky.

Love bites on middle aged women are hot.
(, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 21:37, 12 replies)
Decisions made during childhood
When i was a wee girl of probably 6 or 7 I discovered my mothers stash of sanitary products.

I was understandably curious about these lovely soft white giant stickers and cat toys (what child isn't excited about stickers of any kind let alone Gigantic Stickers!) so I asked my mother about what they were and can I please stick them in my sticker book.

So my mum decided nows a good time to tell me about ladies periods. She went on to describe it as the curse of women due to Eve's betrayal in the garden of eden and what not. Oh and the lovely flow of blood from your private areas once a month. And that the only time ladies don't get their periods is when theyre pregnant.

I decided right then and there that this whole period business was not really for me and I would be having as many babies as possible.

To date I would have to have had 20 babies to avoid all those periods. I havent got any.
(, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 21:28, 5 replies)
The Weapon
someone had a misconception about my sexuality, does that count?

I used to share a house with another bloke. We often joked about how the neighbours probably thought we were gay. It wasnt helped by the fact that neither of us had been doing too well on the girlfriend front either.

Nick, my housemate, had recently been to the Erotica show in London, where he purchased The Weapon. This was a 10" rubber cock, which, he claimed, he wanted to try out on this young lass he'd recently hooked up with. (I believe she said something along the lines of "you're not putting that fucking thing anywhere near me"!)

Anyway, Nick was a slob. He thought nothing of leaving dirty plates on the floor until they were covered in mould. He was a spoilt little rich kid who'd had servants to do all that kind of thing. I hated the mess, but I wasnt prepared to clean up after him, and it was his house, so it just stayed messy.

At some point or other, this big dildo ended up on the floor in the middle of the sitting room. I wasnt going to touch it, and not just because I wasnt Nicks housekeeper, I also didnt trust him and wasnt sure where it might have been! So it stayed on the floor. It was there so long Id kind of stopped seeing it.

Then one day, there was a knock at the front door. I opened it to see my Glaswegian neighbour

"alreet pal, go any skins?"

Ahh, ok, sure Ive got skins. So I went upstairs to locate a spare pack of Rizla. Whilst up there, I heard a kind of *cough/splutter/laugh/"fuggin shite"/cough/laugh* from my Rizlaless visitor.

Oh fucking bollocks. He's seen the big rubber cock. Two men, living together, big rubber cock in the living room.

I thought about trying to explain to him that it had nothing to do with me, but I already knew that nothing I said would convince him otherwise. So I just handed him a pack of skins and shut the door.

The walls of those houses were paper thin. For ages afterwards I could hear howls of laughter from next door, punctuated by occasional words in broad Glaswegian, such as "rubber cock", "dildoo" and so on.

I moved out soon after.
(, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 20:45, 2 replies)
i'm hoping this wont turn out to be a misconception
i woke up this morning
couldnt help but keep yawning
my curtains are drawn
i continue to yawn
my alarm bell is ringing
and i can't help but thinking
i would like to stay in my bed today
though it might mean i fail my BA
but i think that that could be okay
cause i dont want my diplom-A
what a pointless piece of papier
you see i've got aspirations of a different sort
but these are the kind that cannot be bought

i wanna be loved i wanna be famous
so i can fuck a fuckin hottie in the anus
i wanna get laid ladies i'm the lead singer
please dont step up if you're fattie or a minger
maybe i'm a dude now, maybe i'm just crude now
but honesty is all i fuckin threw down
i wanna be rollin i wanna be rockin
so i can finally get my fuckin cock in

ps. there will be more verses to this. and geeetars. and i sing! come see us rock bournemouth some time soon!
(, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 20:25, 4 replies)
That my widowed mother had no sex drive.
Then, one morning, I saw the candle on her bedside table.

(shudders and pulls the blanket over his head)
(, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 20:07, 1 reply)
spunk is not pink
Well i was told by Ralph Breakaway that spunk is pink, 3 kids later i know its not.
(, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 20:06, Reply)
The first Mr Quar believed that women's breasts grow in direct proportion to the amount of fondling they receive.
The number of different men doing the groping mattered, it seems, as the breasts needed fresh hands as often as possible for maximum growth.

He mentioned this 'fact' casually when we'd been married for a couple of years and immediately regretted it in the face of the immediate and sustained onslaught of pisstaking.

I must stress here that he STILL believed it at the time he told me. The fact that he was then a high school science teacher, with responsibilty for sex education, only made it funnier.
(, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 20:04, Reply)
I used to hate showering with the other boys after sports.
A few years later though it turns out my fears were unfounded.

I actually have a massive cock.
(, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 20:04, 1 reply)
Can i be the only one?
Where south park taught me everything i know to this day. Plus a few pages upon the old internet.

Misconceptions make no excuses for being a shite shag, as i found out after losing my "v". She was the village bike anyway.
(, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 19:58, Reply)
More oral misconceptions
Not wanting to sound like an arrogant shit, but I think I've sampled enough ladyparts to get a rough spectrum of flavours. But then I read the Vagina Monologues. There's a bit in it where they ask women to describe what their vaginas smell like.

Now some women were obviously sensible and were honest, answering "vinegary", "nothing", or whatever flavour soap they were currently using. But I seem to remember one woman who said something to the effect of: "It smells like the beginning of all existence - the birth of matter from a place where there is none".

How the fuck does that have a smell!?
(, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 19:56, 6 replies)
KISS.ME.WHERE.I.POO covered my vibrator in chilli powder
and I fucking loved it!
(, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 19:42, 1 reply)
My sex misconception
I thought that the best way to have sex with my ex was to not push anything too much, talk about it sensibly and respect the fact that she said she wasn't ready for 5 years. Turns out that one of my mates had the right Idea... he was just a persistant twat and shagged her in a couple of weeks. Mind you, she's with him now and she's a psycho, so I don't know wether the misconception didn't save me a lot of greif or not. Tis life
(, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 19:40, Reply)
Ah yes, the taste.
I didn't really know what to expect the first time I 'licked pussy' (in Jamacian parlance).

I thought it'd taste of fish. Or ham. Or vanilla.

Turns out it's just a bit salty.

That means half of the people I've ever spoken to about oral sex have only ever tried it on girls who don't wash.
(, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 17:21, 10 replies)
HAHA I couldn't believe this when I heard it...
My friend has now settled down, but like most, has played the field, and told me of the time he started seeing a girl who was, not so sexually experienced. (Well there's nothing wrong with that ! I hear you say.. well read on).

He had asked her to get on top..which she did..he then asked her to "tighten her muscles" because he liked that.

Now instead of tightening the muscles in her vagina, she started flexing her biceps like a champion bodybuilder.

It was all he could do, not to laugh.

So he made the mistake of asking if she could give him a blow job instead.. yep..you guessed it.. she blew down his pork sword like the call of the cavalry.

He was lucky not to be seriously injured, and suffice to say they never saw each other again.
(, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 16:58, 2 replies)
I grew up on a farm and was so damn ignorant I didn't know people had sex face to face until someone tried it on with me at college at 19.

"What the hell are you doing?" deflates erections like magic!

I thought humans did it doggy style until I was 19. And it was a couple of years after that until I got to experience it first hand.
(, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 16:27, 8 replies)
In order to link the adult self with the child
sometimes we make up pieces of information that fit. I have absolutely no idea if this happened or was a strange thought I had as a child which stuck, but....

I remember vividly picking up a postcard off of the mantlepiece when I were but a wee scrap of a thing, and reading that when you are happy it is because the air is having sex with your hand, thus sending waves of pleasure throughout your body. If it was real, I'd like to know what the hell this was supposed to mean as for years afterwards I was scared to touch a mans hand, even my dads, as I thought it could be seen as a 'naughty' place...

I was also completely unaware of my vagina until I was about 11, but noticed the clitoris when I was 10, pressing myself against the art rooms 'top table' of the best artists on which I was placed (now I think it fits well into avant garde performance art, must have been a premonition!). I remember having a feeling akin to wanting to wee, but with an unknown pleasure attached. Which led to me thinking that maybe you have sex up your urethra...

I'm well versed now.

*cherry popped, and never a more apt time*
(, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 16:18, 5 replies)
I kissed a girl
and I liked it,
The taste of her chicken flavoured minge.

(I was told it tasted like fish so that was a pleasant surprise).
(, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 16:17, 6 replies)
There really is no pleasing some women…
Recently, I put up a bird table and my missus went fucking mental at me!

I don't know why...after all, I put her in 6th place, which I thought was more than fair…
(, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 16:16, 4 replies)
Hello B3TA
Last week I posted a message for the QOTW about the time I put some chilli powder on my cheating girlfriends Rampant Rabbit.

I have recieved a lot of messages about this - most have been pretty positive - a couple have been from femails who done the same to the BFs Y-fronts when he was caught with his pants down. 6 messages told me that I was a "wanker" (Yup!) with a small penis (depends on outside temperature) and a Cunt (Yup). One message I was sent went like this


No doubt a few people have dropped you a line to tell you what a complete cock you are, but I felt I just had to be one of them.
I was raped by my partner when I attempted to leave him. It wasn't the first time, but he followed up by- you guessed it- a handful of chilli powder. There were other aspects to the assault, but I won't bore you with them.
It may interest you to know that you are in no way original. My experience with survivor groups of sadistic rape is that bleach and capsican are fairly common.
Now, let me tell you something you may not be aware of. This hurts. It burns like hell, and it did not stop burning for days, despite the yogurt douche that I, like your unfortunate expartner, was administered.
Capsican-based inflammation of the vagina and labia is much more painful and potentially dangerous than exposure to eyes or penises. This has to do with the fact that the vagina is a tight tube that maintains a high temperature, rather than an exposed area that can be flushed easily.
Quite aside from the traumatic aspects of intense genital pain, the constant stimulation of nerves in the vaginal area can trigger temporary or permenant vaginal dyspareunia, making sex anywhere from extremely unpleasant to impossible.
You are an irresponsible, violent man. You committed sexual assault by proxy upon your expartner, and appear to think this was clever and admirable. I hope the woman you injured reported it to the police.
Relationships end. Relationships overlap. Adults deal with heartbreak and anger in many ways. Deliberately harming your partner is never an appropriate reaction.
If you have a moment, please indulge me by picturing a woman you love- your mother, sister, grandmother, a close friend- confiding in you that a man had deliberatly harmed her by forcing a capsican-coated sex toy inside her. Picture her telling you how much it hurt, and how nothing seemed to stop it, and how the burning was so intense that she could do nothing but cry in a cold bath, rocking back and forth. Picture her telling you how worried she was that the pain would not stop, that it might damage her in some way or hurt her fertility. Picture her telling you that even though she's now physically fine, she worries that this man might become more violent, might do something else. Picture her being uneasy or uncomfortable with sex.
Then picture yourself, going round to her attacker's house in order to congratulate him. Afterall, that cunt probably deserved it.

And now, go and fuck yourself, you privileged, raping piece of shit.


(Persons username witheld for obvious reasons)

This is my post for "Sex misconceptions"

I posted a story of (what I thought was) harmless sexual revenge on QOTW and NOW I have been branded a rapist by several people

EDIT: Just want to say thanks to all the people that clicky me to the best page - Woo you


On next weeks show we have Live DNA test results - only on QOTW


(, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 16:16, 81 replies)
When she was born my sister was so fat that my mother nearly died.

Thats what I told her anyway.
(, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 16:12, 1 reply)
I thought copulating with the opposite sex would be a long and wonderful thing, leading on to years of happiness, spending the rest of our lives together and raising the sproglets.

The bitch ripped my head off after I came


Mr Mantis, deceased, and donning heavenly jacket in anticipation
(, Mon 29 Sep 2008, 16:03, Reply)

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