Found out a bit late
I used to be a very religious young man until I was 23. This meant I never kissed a girl, never watched porn, never masturbated, never really had any sexual experience until I was 23. It's pretty hard to grow up without learning the theory though, so I knew the basics (go down before the grand entrance, don't be startled by the hairs etc). Thankfully my girlfriend knew she was popping my cherry, so was providing helpful advice every now and then. Everything was going swimmingly.

We were bouncing around in various different positions for a couple of hours or so, but I could not orgasm. It was uncanny; I thought first-timers were supposed to be a sticky mess within a few thrusts. Anyway, she was getting tired and dry, so invited me to issue onto her lovely boobies. Reluctantly I withdrew, stripped off the condom and started the manual process while she whispered words of encouragement.

Now, I'm not proud of the following, and it might seem like malarkey, but please bear in mind that I although I knew some basic biology I had had no practical experience. Being of a religious type, I hadn't even experienced masturbation, so this was pretty much the first time I was having an orgasm.

After a few minutes of stroking, I felt fluid pressure in my erect urethra and knew that the moment of truth was close. I let the pressure build for a second or two and then released.

And urinated on my lovely lady.

It was only a teaspoon or so before I realised I was committing what might be considered in some circles a faux pas, so with some difficulty I stopped the flow.

Now, the poor girl was lying sprawled on a bed, with her new gentleman astride her and felt a few drops of liquid land on her skin. Lacking the vantage point that I had, she had no reason to think that something was amiss, so she started playing with it, and commenting on how runny it was. I didn't have the heart to disabuse her of the notion. She very kindly let me use the loo, have a snooze and a try again. Second time was better.

FYI we're still together. It's been three years.
(I grew it myself, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 6:38, 8 replies)

Midwives...
Seriously, when the midwife tells you that you can't get get pregnant if you're breastfeeding....

...don't believe her.

...seriously.

...it's not true.
( HSDriver was probably still at work on, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 4:57, 3 replies)

the other one.
When I was 9, I'd heard of the term "rubber johnny". (for those not familiar with the term, sheath, condom, prophylactic etc).

I knew the term, and that it was rude, but that was it. I didn't know what one looked like, what it was used for, or where one wore it, if indeed it was something that was worn.

One day, in my brother's bedroom, (my brother being 10 years my senior) as he was putting some clothes away, something fell out of his pocket. I picked it up and asked "what's this?"

He took it off me and said "it's a rubber johnny"
"oh, we call John that at school"
"No, you put it on your nob when you have sex."
"oh, ok." and that was it. It was in the rectangular packet rather than in a circular wrapper. Through the opaque wrapper, it was black (which I suppose might have been a novelty at the time), and to me, it looked not unlike one of those long, black wine gums.

Later on, I thought about what he'd said. You put it on your nob when you have sex... By this time, I could not shake the image of the black wine-gum and I couldn't for the life of me think why someone would put that on their penis.

Moreover, it ocurred to me that it would be awkward to actually balance it on the penis itself (as I had thought that you laid it along the top of the penis lengthways, sideways would just be stupid).

Furthermore, how do you stop it falling off while approaching the woman to have sex, and how would it stay on during intercourse? Did it dissolve in the process? What possible purpose could it serve?

I completely dismissed the idea as stupid, and never thought about condoms for a couple of years until some bloke on the telly was showing people how to put a condom on a plastic willy during the early AIDS scares of the mid 80s.

I never did like the fucking things. Probably why I have 3 kids and had the snip at 21.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 2:54, Reply)

I was wrong
There are a couple of truly bizarre misconceptions I had that I had completely forgotten about.

When I was very young, before I was 5 at least, every woman I ever saw who was wearing a low enough neckline, had cleavage. Two breasts pressed together. No evidence of Playtex lift & seperate action whatsover.

For some reason, I could not picture the skin inbetween, what would be revealed if a woman took her top off to exhibit her sternum. I simply could not imagine what it would look like.

Consequently, my pre-school imagination conjured up the only conclusive image it could. There was no skin. The bit where the breasts were pushed together was not covered in skin at all.

I imagined it would be like a dark-brown, patchy, necrotic fleshless area, which I reckoned would get really sore if the breasts weren't pushed together to keep the area covered.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 2:29, 2 replies)

A schoolmate once told me
"When your balls drop you'll be blind"...

Did'nt catch the joke and ran home crying over the inevitable loss of my sight.

Cunt
(Chubster Will kill your children and burn your wife on, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 0:31, Reply)

teh meaning of the word `no`
ok, I accept i`ll get massive pelters for this but...

i just don`t like the "no means no" thing. As a courteous shallow person, when I hear `NO` I always stop and ask if all is ok, and boy has this put a downer on some otherwise remarkably fruity events. I may be shallow, but im also very sensitive about the good ladies` feelings!

Why can`t we have a campaign saying `"Fuck off and stop doing that you massive shit" means no?` ; it would make life easier. I mean jeez, the number of times i`ve had a slap on the head for ruining the moment* is remarkable!

//ok, could shout `red` or some such, but honestly im not such a perv i feel the need to have a colour code during sex.

* well about 4 times, but im hoping to improve on that over the rest of my lifetime :)

/length: above average, apparently, soz.
(hiddenshallows, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 0:05, 10 replies)

For some reason
A child in my primary school said "Caution - Never shag without a condom"
Being the wholesome little chap I was, I assumed he meant Condor and asked him why you might want to fuck with an endangered bird of prey present.

He turned to me with a vacant expression and said; "To put on your willy?"

My childhood crumbled away before my very eyes.
(Chubster Will kill your children and burn your wife on, Tue 30 Sep 2008, 23:43, 1 reply)

Pubes
Picture the scene. It was a long hot summer in Wiltshire, 1985... Live Aid was on the telly and, filled with ideas of saving the world, I ran round to my mate Chris's house. Instead of giving food to some Ethiopians etc, we decided to climb the big local tree with the local bully/wanker known as Andrew Ainsley. Me and Chris were eight years old at the time. Andrew Ainsley was nine.

We got to the top of the tree, and then, apropos of nothing much in particular, Andrew Ainsley looked at me and asked whether I knew if the hair around my willie was pubic or astronomical.

Astounded at his use of language, I was immediately stumped. And a little hesitant in answering. To be honest, I didn't have any hair around my willie and sensed a bit of a ribbing if I got the answer wrong. Or maybe even if I got it right. So I thought long. And I thought hard. And then I looked at Chris who just looked back at me and shrugged.

"Mmmm..." I paused - stalling for time. "I'd have to say... Astronomical?"

"ASTRONOMICAL!! You fucking dickhead!" shouted Ainsley, belying the innocence of his nine years.

He gurgled with giddy pleasure and at that very moment fell out of the tree, smashing his knee on this ground, yelping with pain. He crawled away, continuing to laugh and as snot bubbles of pleasure and pain addled his mixed up brain. And then for some reason, even though he clearly had no idea what the fuck any of us were talking about, Chris started to laugh and asked me why I had astronomical hair around my willie. I had no idea and so did what any sensible 8 year old would do, and started to cry.

Chris jumped from the tree and hauled Ainsley to his feet. The two of them skipped off singing about how I had astronomical willie hair and I ran home. It was a terrible end to the day.

I am now 31 and it is 23 years later. When I think about it, I realise I do actually have really long pubes. Probably longer than the average man too. But I wouldn't say astronomical.

So maybe Andrew Ainsley was on to something all those many years ago... He didn't have to be such a cunt about it though.

Cheers - first post and all. **POP**
(IckleWickleStickleIckle, Tue 30 Sep 2008, 23:33, 3 replies)

Out of where..?
In my youth I thought babies came out of ladies belly buttons
Cue horrified mini-Boss Mew when I learned the truth through the medium of video

Then my mother decided to teach me about 'bird & bees' through the medium of a sex manual she had...and strict instructions to 'not flick through the book'.
(Boss Mew Covfefe does not bargain...it only covfefes., Tue 30 Sep 2008, 22:19, Reply)

stupidly...
I thought that sex would be simple

i thought that if someone did the sex with you it meant they liked you

..and would be nice to you thereafter

i thought i would be able to bang away all night like i did in my 20's all my life

i also thought i would want to

i thought that sex was accepted as a normal function like eating or sleeping - then i met christians

i thought adults have sex therefore if you have sex you are an adult

i thought old people just didn't do sex anymore - i know a SAGA rep - old people are FUCKING RABID

I thought I would have sold or rented out my home in the the UK weeks ago so my wife could be out here shagging the tits of me by now

I had no idea gordon cunting browntrowsers would have ever affected my blowjob quotient

i never had any doubt he was a complete fanny though

!
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 30 Sep 2008, 21:57, 1 reply)

A friend at school...
Back in the day of Sex Education at secondary school, our crone of a Biology teacher, Mrs Johnson, was picking on people to answer questions.

"How do you make a woman pregnant?" she screeches to my friend Luke. "Erm, you use your penis, don't you?" he stammers back.

"You don't just wave your penis and expect a woman to get pregnant, do you?!" she replies. Ah, the nightmares that gave me...
(paulplex erm, hi..., Tue 30 Sep 2008, 21:03, 1 reply)

Misconception terminology - I wish to make a correction
Women do not "fall pregnant", not unless they trip and land on an erect cock and in doing so provide sufficient stimulation to result in the emission of semen.

"Got pregnant", yes. "Fall pregnant", no. Not even I am that clumsy and I once fell down a flight of stairs naked.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 30 Sep 2008, 20:53, 11 replies)

"I bought your SNES by being pounded in the ass, son."
Apologies for length in advance.

I was 13 and living in a block of flats. At that age, I was the first to own a Mega Drive and our house had pirate cable, so my 11-year-old friends in surrounding flats would always come by and visit. One night, my mum says she's going out and suggests my friends stay for the night. My friends came over and as it got late, flicked through the pirate cable and found the porn channel. Partially because I didn't want to objectify women - at that age, anyhow - and partially because I thought a bunch of boys in the same room finding the same thing arousing was a bit gay, I hid in the kitchen and heated up some pizza. What I didn't see I definitely heard as the boys turned the volume up.

There was a storyline for whatever was on - two ladies were reminiscing on how they took advantage of anyone who'd come round to their house and bother them when they were all horny and alone - first, a guy who's coming round to borrow milk, then someone who's coming round to fix the TV, they both get laid by women whose orgasms sound like air raid sirens.

Now, being the eldest, I was seen as the "wise old sage" of the group. I'm also proud to be a fucking jerk, as far as winding people up goes. I pointed out to the boys as I brought in the pizza that I didn't need to see the show. They laughed and asked why. I only had to bring up Kerry.

Kerry, aged 14, was the girl who lived opposite to our flat, with that girl next door beauty too - she was lusted over by every boy in the room, myself definitely included.

"She comes over all the time when you lot are here, wanting to borrow something," They all nodded, because they often saw her coming to my place to borrow things while they played the Mega Drive. "Why do you think it's always Kerry that comes over to ask and not her mum or dad?"

The television was muted. Jaws dropped. Pieces began to click.

As we ate pizza, I explained that the terms "borrow some milk" and "fixing your TV" were sex-slang. The former was said by some horny person wanting to get naked and play around with someone else, and the latter was a type of drive-by prostitute, who, at a moment's notice, would answer the call and fix libidos instead of TVs.

This affected two of my friends.

Friend #1 - Kerry goes to his flat for milk, and he's home alone - he can't believe his luck. He lets her in, and as they turn a corner, he makes his move - he shoves his tongue down her throat and squeezes her tits. She screams, slaps him and leaves. He told me as soon as he felt her reaction he knew I'd made it up, but he also said that at least he got one up on me because he'd "felt her tits and they were like big fluffy clouds". They definitely looked like it. Lucky bastard.

Friend #2 - I didn't know that the dad of one of these friends was going to become a TV repairman two weeks after the pizza night. For his dad's first week on the job, he came home to lots of weird questions. Imagine this dialogue:

Friend: "Are the ladies pretty, the ladies whose TVs you repair?"
Dad: "Sometimes, though I'm usually repairing TVs for men. They miss not having a working TV more than women, you know?"

That answer literally broke my friend's mind.

He had a little breakdown in front of all of us the next time he came round to my place. He wouldn't believe me when I told him I'd lied earlier, he thought I was trying to console him. I next saw him two months later. That night, he had gone home and taken a knife to his dad's van's tires. When asked why he did it, he explained to his parents he didn't want his dad sleeping around any more. Two months grounded for that.

My family and his never got on so well after that. He also tried to steal my friends after he got a Super Nintendo at Christmas, but they only time they were invited over, they poked fun at his console, bought with "your dad's prossie money".
(rzeki, Tue 30 Sep 2008, 20:49, 7 replies)

Rebecca Loos need not Apply
I have two prominent memories of sex misconceptions from my primary school days.

The fist was mine. I thought sex lasted a whole 24 hours (probably from reading the World Book that said something like "sexual arousal can last up to 24 hours", I also looked up fingering but surprisingly it yielded no results). Some of the "cool" girls were talking about some story one of them had read in their Mum's Bella magazine about a woman who had been kidnapped and raped three times over the course of a "25 hour ordeal". Now I knew rape was forced sex but the conflicting time-frames made my tiny mind implode. I had to reconsult the World Book.

The second was the boys in my class, they all looked to one boy who lived on a farm, in spite of which he still wasn't wise to the method of sexual reproduction (heaven knows what he thought the pigs were up to). He had the entire class of boys convinced that you impregnated a female through "shifting"* We also had a female teacher who was admittedly hot.
When we were in 5th class (11ish) there was a small kitchen fitted in our school and we were given a few baking classes. The Farmer's son, let's call him Derek, decided that he was going to get the hot teacher pregnant and have her come help him with his pigs. The girls were quite shocked to think he was going to try to have sex with the poor woman with his pig-poo hands all over her. That was until we saw him open up a freshly baked bun and gob right into it and replace the lid.

The boys were all excited about the prospect, the girls were speechless. He went on to explain to this rapt audience that you don't actually need to kiss that it's the saliva that contains the baby making properties.

*so obvious I'm Irish!
(DasKitty, Tue 30 Sep 2008, 19:17, 5 replies)

Fingers...
Not one of mine but many guys' in high school..... (not to indicate that I had lots, but girls talk!)...


..... seemed to thing that "fingering" a girl involved simply inserting their middle digit into the girl's vagina - leaving it there for about 10 seconds and then taking it out again - job apparently done...

Very mystifying - God knows what heights of ecstasy they expected the girl to reach - ah well, probably one told the others that was how it was done... if so- boooo you!
( awayfromthenumbers, Tue 30 Sep 2008, 18:59, 1 reply)

reaching places other toothbrushes can't
My brother, 4 years my elder, came home from school one day full of red hot information about girls. He responsibly imparted this knowledge to me, his 5 year old brother.

For a good few years I genuinely thought that if you wiggled your finger around in a girls mouth, a baby appeared in her bottom.

I was an impressionable 5 year old for Christ's sake! No wonder I hang around on these boards!
( magictoast, Tue 30 Sep 2008, 18:11, 1 reply)

my english teachers mother...
...went to the doctor complaining of stomach cramps.after a cursory examination the doctor announced she was 9 months pregnant and was in labour.when asked if she had considered the epic bulge of her stomach/womb as unusual,the woman had answered 'well,i eat a lot of cake.'
unbelievable maybe,but she claims its totally true.
(Fuckpig "That's not even a pound a midget.", Tue 30 Sep 2008, 17:33, 1 reply)

When I was but a wee slip of a lad
about 8, I didn't know what a virgin was.

Being the subject of constant pisstaking, however, I thought it was something that I should never admit to.

So, when the other lads asked 8-year-old me "Are you a virgin?" I replied with "No, of course not!"

"EWWWWWWW!"
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Tue 30 Sep 2008, 17:04, 2 replies)

mmm trampy
When I was around 7 or 8 I was walking through town with my mother and we stopped to hear a busker play.

Now this was quite an occurrence for me as I lived in a small rural town and we never had this sort of entertainment. Looking back he was obviously a travelling itinerant; semi vagrant with weird long hair, a beard and strange clothes. But he was strumming away and singing so I was happy.

On our way home laden down with groceries and a copy of The Beano we saw him again. This time he was hunched over in a doorway and was jerking about with a strange look on his face. To my innocent mind it looked like he was in pain so I said to my mother ‘mummy what’s wrong with that man?’

She looked at me fondly, patted my head and said:

‘don’t worry dear it’s just minstrel cramps’
(Asser, Tue 30 Sep 2008, 16:49, 3 replies)

Ahh siblings...
I remember when a friend of mine informed my younger brother that wanking too much doesn't actually make you go blind.
I didn't see him for a looong time after that...


Edit: Didn't see him because he kept to his room, not because I had gone blind...
( Mellicious is made of candy, Tue 30 Sep 2008, 16:48, 2 replies)

The Baby's coming!!!
I used to believe.. and probably not helped by television. That when a girl went into Labour, there was a mass panic to get her to a hospital as fast as earthly possible.
"Oh god! I think the babys coming!"
"Hoooly jesus! We gotta go!!"
"neeee naaaw neeeee naaaaw neeee naaaw"
*bursts through the hospital door*
"Its my wife!! She's in Labour!"
"Hooooly cripes, ok go go go go go!!"
*Rush mad panic..* Puuuuuuuush. Arghhhhhhhh!
Plop.. waaaaaaaahh *baby cries*
"Its a boy, Congratulations!!"

All done so quick that the dinner hasnt even started to burn in the oven yet.


How wrong I was. When my friend went into Labour. It was a case of:

"Hmm I think the babies coming"
"Oh ok.. Would you like a cup of tea?"

Rung the midwife, who said. "Oh it doesnt sound like the contractions are close yet. Give me a call back later tonight let me know how youre going on."

Gawd I was soooooooo bored. It was like waiting for a delayed flight. "Is it here yet?" "nooo."

Rung the hospital:

"Can we bring her in yet?"
"No, give it a few more hours"

24 hours later. the babies finally born.

What a boring experience!! :) I was expecting mad rush drama! Bit of E.R Yo!
(Miggyman, Tue 30 Sep 2008, 16:39, 5 replies)

I believed
when Daddy said he'd kill my kitten if I told.

The kitten got run over and now he's in prison.
(off is getting pretty fucking sick of all this, Tue 30 Sep 2008, 16:06, 7 replies)

Women are from Venus…

I always used to think that the fairer sex were like some alien species that needed to be ‘conquered’ by deceit and trickery.

I’m ashamed to say I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve tried to impress them with lies, phoney treatment, and fake claims regarding my wealth, status, connections and sexual prowess. All to no avail.

If only I knew then what I know now.

I’ve learned that women are ‘people’ too…that they have needs, desires, and more importantly the same frailties and imperfections as us men.

I know it’s corny…but I decided to 'change my ways' around women and just started being…’myself’

Unfortunately…they STILL weren’t fucking interested.

I tell you...if it wasn’t for Rohypnol and my job at the mortuary, I never would have got my balls wet.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Tue 30 Sep 2008, 15:06, 20 replies)

Up until the age of 35 or so
I was under the misconception that a vasectomy was a trivial operation with absolutly no side effects or pain - well apart from perhaps a couple of weeks of slight discomfort at worst..... (Also with absolutely no way of getting pregnant the wife would be gagging for it).

Turns out "weeks" actually means "years" and discomfort is defined as it bloody hurts every time you spluff, every time you want to spluff and for hours after you spluff.... (and she isn't).

These facts have been confirmed by every other male I've ever met since who's had one.

I blame Cosmo.
( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Tue 30 Sep 2008, 15:04, 12 replies)

i was under the misapprehension that only men find crass, vulgar sex jokes funny
imagine my surprise then, when an ex girlfriend ripped a gargantuan fart, yanked the duvet over my traumatised noggin, and shouted 'DUTCH OVEN!' then fell off the bed laughing.
that was a dark time for me.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Tue 30 Sep 2008, 14:56, 7 replies)

My dad
had a hernia operation when I was 11, and in the last year of primary school. Various people phoned the house to see how he was doing, and I heard my mum on the phone to my nan at one point. "Everything went fairly well, but unfortunately they had to remove one of his testicles". Now I'd just undergone the obligatory sex ed at school and my mum had encouraged me not to be afraid to ask questions, so I asked her what a testicle was. "Don't worry about it, it's not important" was her reply (of course I can ask questions, thanks mum!). However we had also been learning about how to use dictionaries properly at school, and I've always been a resourceful one. Therefore the word "testicle" was duly looked up and the purpose of it was understood, if not the social connotations of the word. Therefore my parents were a bit mortified when I started to tell random people about the complications of my dad's recent surgery.

Length? It would have been a lot less embarrassing if my mum had just been honest with me in the first place!
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Tue 30 Sep 2008, 14:49, Reply)

not so much a sex misconception as a misconception of the sexes...
...but my former flatmate in the States once walked in on myself and another lady friend discussing how long a grace period we had before the next shaving of legs became necessary.
He looked puzzled.
He asked why women needed to shave.
My mate and I did not understand.
He said he thought women didn't have beards.
After a bit of a giggle, we pointed out no, we don't (though a rare few do), but we were talking about legs.
He went a bit quiet for a bit then asked another question.

And that is how we discovered my male flatmate believed that all women are born and remain completely hairless in all anatomical areas but for the head and eyebrows.
Silly man. Porn is not for learning.
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Tue 30 Sep 2008, 14:39, 2 replies)

I never got the whole
'balls dropping' lark.

my balls dropped but would retract so i was always in two minds as to if they had or not, then someone told me it was a metaphor for your voice dropping, which just confused me more so.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Tue 30 Sep 2008, 14:10, 4 replies)

As a boy growing up
I was under the misconception that it was a really bad thing to be a virgin. Consequently I spent a lot of time telling lies about ficticious sexual encounters with milk maids MILFs and lolipop ladies to all my mates.

Turns out though that since I don't have a virgina, the chances of me or any male for that matter ever losing our "virginity" is pretty slim.
( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Tue 30 Sep 2008, 14:06, Reply)

how many again?
"Up until the age of 12 I thought that women had 3 completely seperate holes with a gap between each. The front (for wee), the middle (for sex) and the back (anus)."

source: www.iusedtobelieve.com/sex/rude_bits/rude_bits_d18.php

unfortunately, there's more where that came from...
(Poezestrepe, Tue 30 Sep 2008, 13:51, 13 replies)