The List

I was about 26 years old, when during a friendly discussion at the local before a night of clubbing, the conversation moved on to heaven. Everyone piped up with theories until one friend came out with the following:

"Well" he began, whilst taking a quick sip of his pint "I was at this comedy show one time when the guy doing stand-up made a quip about heaven. He said that all of the religions had got it wrong, and when you die, what actually happens is a guy shows up with a clipboard and simply passes it to you."

"And...?" we all asked in wonder.

"And on that clipboard is a list, with the names of every woman in your life that would have had sex with you had you merely asked".

He went on to tell us that all of the women at the show burst out laughing, whilst he sat shocked, gazing around and seeing similar expressions on the faces of every bloke in there.

The same expressions on all of ours around that pub table all those years ago.

I've never looked at life the same way since.

My greatest sexual regret is that I didn't know about 'The List' sooner.
( Regger, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 8:50, 33 replies)

I really like this
So do you now go around asking every woman you meet if she'd like to have sex with you then?
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 8:52, closed)

Well, that would be telling
p.s. are you a woman?
( Regger, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 8:59, closed)

that would be telling

(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 9:01, closed)

I knew a sex addict once
That was pretty much his technique. He'd basically go round every single woman in a club. He was relentless and thick skinned, but when you are addicted to it I suppose you'll go through anything to get want you crave.

He'd had pretty much every woman in the town and their daughters by the time I met him. It's quite pityful really, but I guess he was doing the community a service in an odd sort of way.
( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 10:10, closed)

I suppose...
...that does work.

But this was more about women who are actually in your every day life and that you know, not just randomly going up to anything with a vagina.
( Regger, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 10:13, closed)

1) Mum
2) ...
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 9:07, closed)

Fairly certain..
..your mum will be on my list too!
( Regger, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 9:52, closed)

Hahaha. Yeah.
But seriously. Your story is shit.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 10:07, closed)

Thank you :)

( Regger, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 10:11, closed)

Any time, bro.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 10:16, closed)

Hi, there! Fancy a shag?
*slap*
Hi there! Fancy a shag?
*slap*
...and so on.

Might be a viable theory in certain pubs/clubs, at a certain time of night, I suppose.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 9:21, closed)

I think it would work more often than you think.
Mind you, I spent my youth in places like Basildon and Romford and if you can't get laid there there's no hope for you.

Whether you'd actually WANT to get laid there is a different matter entirely.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 9:34, closed)

I have had a couple of girls point out (once it was no longer an issue) that they would have slept with me
(which is a source of some regret, I suppose) but, as a general rule, I think I'd rather not sleep with anyone who would respond positively to the above technique.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 9:52, closed)

These
are the girls this list applies to. Are they racking up already?
( Regger, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 9:55, closed)

2.
3, if you count the drunk colleague who was all over me at a x-mas party.

I don't know what St Peter's game is, but he'll get no sport from me.

[Alternate reading: I'm not exactly having to fend them off with a shitty stick.]
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 10:00, closed)

They all count

( Regger, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 10:20, closed)

This is making me feel slightly inadequate.
Anybody here fancy a place on my list?
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 10:35, closed)

I'd totally give you one.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 10:41, closed)

sure, when is your xmas party?

( Regger, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 10:43, closed)

Tonight.
But the good Doctor and yourself better scrub up well. I don't neglect to sleep with just anyone, y'know.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 10:46, closed)

Woot!
Totally rubbing a damp flannel around my arse and balls already.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 11:09, closed)

Your mum wants her flannel back

(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 12:54, closed)

I like this A LOT
click!
(McChinaman banned, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 9:30, closed)

Call me a thick shit
but I don't get it.

What does it mean? What use is this information to someone who just died?

Am I missing an obvious conclusion or punchline?
(username failed moderation, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 9:34, closed)

And if you don't ask...
...you never will.
( Regger, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 9:54, closed)

I'm definitely
not on the ball this morning, 'cos I've no idea what that means either.
(username failed moderation, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 9:57, closed)

Sounds more like Hell to me.
An eternity of regret? No thanks.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 9:38, closed)

Same here - heaven would be if those women were now waiting for you
Form an orderly queue, girls. What's that? Oh. Well, form an orderly queue, girl, then. *sigh*.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 9:47, closed)

Form an orderly queue
Oh, OK, well lean against the wall then.

Yes, just leave the crutches there, nobody will nick them.
(username failed moderation, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 9:58, closed)

Gabriel will look after the guide dog.

(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 12:55, closed)

surely in heaven they'd have something a bit more advanced than a clipboard
maybe an ipad or something, especially now that Steve Jobs is up there to give them permission.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 10:00, closed)

My grandfather can barely handle a phone
Do you think someone as old as St Peter could cope with an iPad?

It's why satan still suspends people over a bbq instead of putting them in a microwave.
( Regger, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 10:23, closed)

Nah, you'd be lucky not to get a scroll.
The current Heaven hit beta stage in about 600 AD, and updates have more or less ceased since then.
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 11:46, closed)