DOwn and out in LA
I don't think I've ever told this to anyone. You'll see why.

I was 26 and very, very desperate. And not especially fussy. I was working in a call-centre in Los Angeles and - God knows how - ended up flirting with the woman on the other end of the line. She was, she informed me breathlessly, "big, black and horny as hell." I was white, weedy and - she informed me - sounded like Prince Charles. (I don't, really I don't, but there you go...)

So not a match made in heaven you'd think. Still, we arranged to meet. She lived in Watts, a part of LA that weedy white boys don't go to, at least not if they've read Bonfire Of The Vanities.

I went. She was waiting outside her condo, smoking. Her description of herself was accurate, although she had omitted to say she'd be wearing curlers. She was big in a way that Americans have made their speciality. The whole, er, package, is not one that has ever appealed to me, before or since. But for some weird reason, I was persuaded to drive to a remote area where - in the words of a tabloid newspaper - she performed a sex act on me. As I looked down at her curlers.

She loved my English accent. She wanted my number! I gave her a fake one and, crawling with shame and self-loathing, dropped her back home and high-tailed it back to the safety of Santa Monica.

I regret every aspect of that evening, and what it says about me. The desperation, the deceit, the misogynistic and racist undertones.

Still, a blow-job's a blow-job, eh?
(Hurple Pelmet, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 15:53, 11 replies)

You're fuckin' A, dude!

(username failed moderation, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 16:18, closed)

this has it all

( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Mon 12 Dec 2011, 16:32, closed)

Could do with
a third person. Her daughter, or her son even.
(username failed moderation, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 16:35, closed)

Hello, Hugh.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 16:36, closed)

Ha ha ha

(Smale is stuffed, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 16:36, closed)

I thought the same thing.

(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 17:16, closed)

This story has been pieced together,
through dilligent phone hacking.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 17:35, closed)

Dammit!
Beat me to it.
(Mr Fudge It shouldn't be illegal to have sex with an eagle, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 12:43, closed)

Is it Road Trip????
In which the skinny white guy ends up with the massive black woman?
It's that same guy anyway, even if a different film.

I had the image of whater film it was in my head the whole time.
Sounds like the kind of thing that has to be done while out of the country.
( user_names_suck, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 18:17, closed)

The thought of a skinny white guy ill-advisedly heading out to Watts is enough alone to keep cracking me up :D

( Pig Bodine., Tue 13 Dec 2011, 11:41, closed)

i slightly liked this one, it comes just behind the transvestite blowjob imo
Hi 5
(Cov Boy, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 16:38, closed)