the biggest shit ever
A few years ago when I was suffering from constipation, I didn't go to the toilet for three months. During this time, I continued to eat as normal and felt no ill effects. But the time soon came when I had to crap.

Naturally, the turd was too big to drop into a toilet, so I had to go to hospital to have it teased out by a structural engineer, a midwife and a miner. They had all kinds of equipment there, including forceps, hardened-steel chain, a crane, a flat-bed truck, a team of Polish navvies, a priest and Stephen Hawking.

As I began to push, the head was clearly too big to exit my anus and they had to cut me. Fortunately, they gave me an epidural and I felt no pain at all. But I could see from their faces that they were shocked at the excremental progeny that was sliding centimetre by centimetre from my gaping hole. I couldn't see it, but the smell had a few of them reaching for the oxygen masks.

The engineer got some hooks into it and the navvies began to haul as the miner hacked away with his pick. The crane took up the slack and there was a sound like a vast mucus cork being withdrawn from a road tunnel. We all lay around gasping and dripping with sweat as the midwife lifted my head to see the monster.

It had the diameter of a dinner plate and was a metre long, glistening with a slick coating of slime. It was studded all golden with sweetcorn and changed hue along its length to show the variety of my meals over the previous months. It was, indeed, like a core sample from the Earth's very mantle.

Beat that, b3tans.
(frankspencer, Fri 28 Mar 2008, 13:28, 6 replies)

...
I wonder if anyone else'll make the "best of" page. At this rate, it could be a frankspencer whitewash...
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 28 Mar 2008, 13:37, closed)

^^
Brownwash?
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 28 Mar 2008, 13:40, closed)

well
I used to work on the theatres* of a hospital, and let me tell you, manual evacuations are fucking horrible

*well picking up the instruments and rubbish from them, but picking up a large yellow plastic bag full of shit is never a good thing
(Halfy By light alone, Fri 28 Mar 2008, 13:47, closed)

Now
Tell us a story about how a really hot girl used your enormous turd to pleasure herself whilst raping a dead badger corpse with photocopier.
( Bazongaloid, Fri 28 Mar 2008, 13:47, closed)

althegeordie
I think you have some issues al. I'd advise psychotherapy. Tell them Frank sent you.
(frankspencer, Fri 28 Mar 2008, 14:39, closed)

It's a lie!!!
The biggest shit ever was passed through the hornless-squid-beak of Knuckles O'Shaunessey in 1987, was 18 feet long and shaped like the bust of St Dunstan!
(Vic Flange, Fri 28 Mar 2008, 16:23, closed)