poo and toast
there used to be a restaurant in glasgow called toast, simple concept really. they sold a variety of not-bad-at-all dishes, the gimmick being - i realise you've probably twigged - everyting came with toast of one sort or another. yes even your pudding - think toasted fruitbread with chocolate spread and a dusting of icing sugar. mrs spimf and i went in there one lunchtime and after my burger (toasted bun - easy one there) i felt the urge to go to the loo.

the restaurant comprised one large room with the loos in one corner, i have it in mind they were both single occupancy jobs - 2 of, therefor unisex but i may be wrong on that one - mists of time and all that.

now we have all had the charming experience of going in and some thoughtful fucker has left one sitting there peering back up at you. often marinading in what looks suspiciously like brown winsor soup. normally you make a snap decision - flush or leave.

IT WAS EASILY THE BIGGEST TURD I HAVE EVER, OR WILL EVER SEE THAT IS PRESUMED HUMAN.

the norm is for b3tards is to embelish or find amusing similes. on this occasion i wont bother.

shape: like an enormous black slug

girth: can of coke. no honestly

length: the leading tip was out of the water and the other heading down the u bend.

horrific and mesmerising.

i turned around and walked back to my seat where i had a clear view of the loo. i even mentioned to mrs spimf who doesn't like that sort of talk at all - she claims to have never farted, and in 20 years neither of us has been in the bathroom while the other crapped. she's not uptight - she even likes it up the ass - we just dont do lavatorial humour. but after my description of this unholy behemoth she went to see for herself.

for the next half hour i was like a little glaswegian david attenburgh. some came out looking shell shocked, others disgusted, some laughing. its amazing the effect a gargantuan shit has. you start to wonder - was this normal for this person. were they into fisting and had stretched their ringpeice to chipperfield proportions? was it the wholemeal toast? what?

one thing i did note. no one seemed to stay long enough to flush the fucker.

it might still be there. waiting. watching. growing.

*cue 'tales of the unexpected' theme*
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Sat 29 Mar 2008, 1:15, 2 replies)

Hahahaha
"growing". Pfffft! *click*
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Sat 29 Mar 2008, 18:22, closed)

*click*
Although, for some reason I thought you was going to say you wiped your arse on a slice of toast...
(Mr G to you , Fathead, Sat 29 Mar 2008, 21:11, closed)