I never got to meet the bloke…and no, I don’t condone his actions etc etc blah blah

As I have previously stated before, I seem to have the uncanny knack of being able to mix with all sorts of people. Some characters could quite possibly be described as ‘rather unsavoury’ types. When in the company of such fellows, it usually means that general thieving twunt-stickery or tall tales about such clandestine adventures are never far away. I’m not particularly proud of it but you know that annoying git in the pub who always seems to know somebody who knows somebody who can steal anything?

Well…that’s me, that is.

Many years ago my mum was about to embark on a trip to Australia (apparently that was as far as she could possibly get away from us all, seeing as they don’t do trips to Mars yet). She requested her requirement for a video camera to record her happy experiences, far away from me and the rest of the family.

(This was absolutely AGES ago, by the way…and at the time, your average home video camera experience was comparable to plonking a medium sized refrigerator on your shoulder, shouting ‘Annnnnnnd ACTION!’ whilst your legs buckled under the weight and your battery ran out after twelve seconds). Good times.

Suffice to say, my mum didn’t want one of those efforts – she wanted a nice little-sized one…but these were expensive…so she asked my brother and I what we could do.

My brother found the answer…His name was ‘Zumbie’ (never found out why) and he had a growing reputation around our way as an Olympic class shoplifter. His infamy grew, not only due to the items he would be prepared to steal, but the blatant way that he went about it.

Zumbie had no style and no finesse…just bare-arsed cheek and balls which were obviously so big he should have carried them around in a wheelbarrow.

His whole technique consisted of walking into a shop, grabbing what had been ordered and then bollocking out of there as fast as his tea-leafing pikey legs could carry him. His reputation for catching security guards by surprise and / or outrunning them spread like wildfire around our yobbish community and he was subsequently asked to blag my mum a camcorder.

The one she said she liked was priced at £1200 – Zumbie told my brother he would get it for £200…My brother calls my mum, my mum said “Result!”, and off Zumbie goes on his merry way.

Lo and behold, within an hour of being given his ‘assignment’, Zumbie approached my brother with the required camera – including special offer labels, the price tag and features list still attached in shiny lettering.

However, there was a problem. Obviously we weren’t expecting a box and instructions etc, but this camcorder had come without a battery and was therefore pretty useless to us – my brother promptly told Zumbie where he could shove his dirty stolen rubbish.

‘Hold on a bit’, said Zumbie…he studied the item, made a note of the name and model number and walked off.

Back to the exact same shop he had just been to…

I believe the term is ‘bold as brass’, and god only knows how or why he wasn’t recognised…but he walked up to the nearest ‘may I help you?’ cretin and asked “Do you stock batteries for one of these?” as he thrust a piece of paper containing his freshly robbed camcorder details into the hapless assistant’s hand.

“One moment sir, I’ll find out right away” replied the numpty, tanking off enthusiastically into the back of the shop.

A couple of minutes later, said troglodyte returned and showed him a brand new battery.

..Which Zumbie promptly snatched out of his hand before sprinting off.



If I can still be bothered later I’ll tell you the story of how Zumbie finally got caught and sent down.

(and apologies to everyone that attended Big Girl’s Blouse’s brilliant B3ta bash last Saturday, for already hearing this post from my own rat-arsed slurring mouth)
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Mon 14 Jan 2008, 15:57, 7 replies)

Awesome
Thievery is wrong of course, but you've gotta give some credit for the sheer brass neck.

Unless my kids are reading this, in which case he's a terrible person and should in no way be admired or emulated.
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Mon 14 Jan 2008, 16:05, closed)

...
I have your dulcet Coventry tones providing the narrative as I read. It adds a whole extra dimension.

My ribs still hurt from laughing so much on Saturday... Yay!
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 14 Jan 2008, 16:15, closed)

Enzyme...

It was a great night wasn't it? Huge thanks to BGB, TRL, your good self Enzyme and everybody that came and put up with a pair of nob-rots like Captian Placid and myself for so long.

and special mention to Chickenlady...who took one look at me with a very disappointed frown and said:

"Urgh, I didn't think you'd look like THAT Pooflake!!!"

Also, I don't know about my ribs but my liver was certainly smarting a bit by Sunday!

Everybody I met on that night was fantastic...and I came to that conclusion BEFORE I got shit-faced.

Aren't B3tards brilliant?

woo and yay to you all!
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Mon 14 Jan 2008, 16:27, closed)

aw
I didn't know there was a bash on :(
( Kroney, Mon 14 Jan 2008, 16:53, closed)

Boo!
I was invited and couldn't go! And so missed the wit and comradeship of such eminent QOTW-ers as Enzyme, Pooflake, BGB, the Loon and Chickenlady (among others - you know who you are, even if I don't).

Ah well, maybe next time.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 14 Jan 2008, 20:33, closed)

Sighs!!
Special thanks go to Pooflake and Captain Placid for their immense musical talent and non-stop, gut busting wit and repartee.

*Bows down* we are not worthy.

Thank you to everyone else who came for adding to the general splendidness of the evening.

I plan to have another do sometime in the future and I will be putting it on the calender. This time I plan to get right royally shit-faced.
( girlinthehole, Tue 15 Jan 2008, 15:15, closed)

Oi!
I felt like a wee nipper at Crimbo this weekend! I was rather chuffed that I didn't get overly tiddly, I wished I had gotten to have brekker with you lot, but so it goes somedays, eh? Glad everyone got sorted and home safely without things going pear-shaped.

As for me, we ran a bit late getting to the airport so me driver had to give it a bit of Welly, and we went fast enough that I nearly spluffed me knickers! But once I got here I had some voddies and got a bit squiffy, so all was well in the end!

(Yes, I did pick up a bit of new slang while I was over there...)

My thanks to one and all for making it! I was thrilled to meet everyone, and will post pictures on Photobucket in a little while...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 16 Jan 2008, 16:32, closed)