Jokes SUMMARY!!! (Summary of pages 1 - 34)
A summary of all the best jokes in my opinion. Not meaning to steal credit, just to save time for everyone, okay? I voted for all the people i took a joke from. Here goes...


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what has two legs and bleeds?
half a dog
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Paedophile leading a child through the woods at night...
"What? YOU'RE scared. i have to walk out of these woods on my own."
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Mrs Smith goes to a doctors surgery to get the results of a test.

When she asks the doctor for the results he replies " Do you know how to change a nappy?".

"Am I pregant" she asks?

"No. You have bowel cancer."
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Why don't pygmies use tampons?
They keep tripping on the string.
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What would it take to reunite 'The Beatles'?
A few bullets.
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What happened when Jesus went to Mount Olive?
Popeye kicked the shit out of him.
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Definition of gross: Sticking 12 oysters in an old woman's fanny and sucking out 13.
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George Bush and Tony Blair sitting in a cafe, talking about stuff.
The waiter, whos a bit of a wisearse, gives them their coffee, and then asks: "so, who are you plotting to kill now?"
Bush turns and replies: "Well tomorrow I'm gonna nuke Pakistan, and the day after, i'm gonna shoot your mum"
Waiter: "No. Don't kill my mum! What's she ever done wrong!"
Bush turns to Blair and goes: "See! Told you no-one cared about the Pakis"
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What do you do once you've raped a deaf girl?
Break her fingers so she can't tell her mum
(OMG)
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What's the better than fucking a 6-year-old girl?
a. Flipping them around and pretending she's a 6-year-old boy
b. Slicking her hair back and pretending she's a 6-year-old boy

What's better than fucking a 6-year-old boy?
NOTHING.

What's the worst part about fucking a 6-year-old boy?
Getting the blood out of my clownsuit.

How do you make a 6-year-old cry twice?
Wipe your bloody cock on his teddy bear.

What's the best part about fucking an infant?
Hearing the pelvis crack.

What's the difference between a dead hooker and a spare tire?
I don't have a spare tire sitting in my trunk.

What's the difference between a hooker and an onion?
a. You don't cry when you're cutting up the hooker.
b. An onion doesn't scream when you peel it away, layer by layer.
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A woman passes out after giving birth...
She eventually comes around and a doctor is standing over her...
He says "I have some good news and some bad news"
The woman replies, "Oh no, what's the bad news"
Dr: "You're son is ginger"
Woman:"What's the good news"
Dr: "He's dead anyway"
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Why do pill bottles have that bit of cotton wool in the top?
To remind blacks they were cotton pickers before they were drug dealers.
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What do you call 5 mexicans, three black men and one oriental man?

A garden sprinkler.....

Spick-Spick-Spick-Spick-Spick-Chink-Nigger-Nigger-Nigger
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A blind man goes into a forest... as he goes on he stumbles into a stream and then decides he should feel his way around for a bridge.

Just as he arrives at the bridge, a bunny rabbit and a skunk dive at him and say
"you can only cross this bridge if you can guess what we are"

He feels the bunny first "well... you have long ears, long front teeth and a fluffy tail, you must be a rabbit"
Then he feels the skunk..."you've got long greasy hair and you smell... you must be a paki"
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Jesus walks into a hotel, drops four nails on the table, and says "Put me up for the night."
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Q: Whats black and screams?
A: Stevie Wonder answering the iron
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Whats the difference between...
A truck of sand and a truck of babies?
You cant pick up sand with a pitchfork.
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Whats the difference between a woman and a computer?
You only have to punch the information into a computer once.
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What's more fun than nailing a dead baby to a tree?
Ripping it off.
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A paraplegic walks into a bar.
Wait a minute, no he doesn't...
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Whats the difference between a baby and a fridge?
A fridge dosnt scream when you put your meat in it.
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A woman phones up the police station late at night, and says "Help! I've been reaped!"
The officer on duty answers, "Don't you mean raped?"
"No, he used a scythe"
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Whats funnier than swinging a cat around on a washing line by its tail?
Stopping it with a spade!
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Whats green and hangs on your veranda?
Its my nigger and I can paint him any colour I like!!
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What's the difference between a piece of toast and French men?
You can make soldiers out of a piece of toast.
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9/11 Joke

Who are the fastest readers in the world?
New Yorkers. 110 stories in 15 seconds
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How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
3, one to screw it in, one to get me a beer and one to suck my cock
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What's the difference between an apple and a dead baby?
I don't come all over an apple before I eat it.
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Why do brides wear white?
To match the rest of the appliances.
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There was a young man called Dave
who found a dead whore in a cave
he said, "just my luck to get a cold fuck,
but think of the money I'll save".
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What's the worst thing about drinking a newborn-baby-smoothie?
The sound the mother makes watching you make it.
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Why don't blacks like chainsaws?
Run-nigga-nigga-nigga-nigga
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Whats pink, wrinkly and hangs out your pyjamas in the morning?
Granny.
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Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: That works for me....as long as you are still a little warm when I fuck you up your arse.
(LOL)
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Man goes to the doctors..
Doctor says, "I'm afraid i have two lots of bad news for you. First, I'm afraid you have terminal cancer."
Man says, "Oh my god, that's terrible I'm going to die aren't I, what's the other bad news?"
Doc replies, "Well you also have Alzheimers disease."
"Oh", says the man, "well it could be worse, at least I don't have cancer."
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Whats the difference between a train carriage and a miscarriage?
You can't eat a train carriage.
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Q: What's black and blue and hates sex?
A: The seven-year-old in my basement.
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Q: What's the worst part of nailing a baby to a wall?
A: Having to pry it off again every time you're horny.
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What do 54,000 abused women every year have in common?
They don't fucking listen
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Whats yellow and lives off dead beetles?
Yoko Ono
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A Man walks into a chemists, and says "I need some birth control for my 14yr old daughter".
The chemist looks a bit shocked by this and queries "Your 14 year old daughter is sexually active?".
The man thinks for a moment then replies..
"Not really, she just lies there like her mother"
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How many women does it take to decorate a room?
It depends how thinly you slice them
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Why are there no arabs in StarTrek?
Because StarTrek is set in the future...
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Whats the best thing about fucking a nine year old boy?
Watching him cry in court.
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Little Johnny walks into the bathroom when his mother is in the shower.
"Mummy mummy! What's that between your legs?"
"Umm ... that's where daddy hit me with an axe."
"Ooooo! Right in the cunt!"
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What do you call a supermodel with a yeast infection?
Quarterpounder with cheese.
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Little Johnny wakes up on christmas morning, runs downstairs and is greeted by his parents and hundreds of presents under the tree.

"Oh Wow!" cries Little Johnny as he starts tearing away at all the wrapping paper. Little Johnny is so excited as he opens the presents. He has a brand new BMX, a skateboard, a playstation, a brand new PC, a scooter, a climbing frame - everything a little boy would want.

When he finishes opening all the presents, Little Johnny asks his parents if he can go round to Little

Timmy's house to tell him about all the wonderful presents he got.

"Of course you can Little Johnny, off you go, but be back before dinner!"

So off Little Johnny goes, and gets to Little Timmy's house.

"Oh Timmy! This is the best christmas EVER! I got a playstation, a BMX, a new computer - everything i could ever want!!"

"Oh your so lucky", replies Little Timmy, "I wish I had cancer."
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Little Johnny finds a welder's mask, and spends the whole day wearing it, seeing the world through green glass. Eventually, he runs into a man in a dirty old mac.

"Hello little boy, do you know what blowjobs are?"
"No."
"Do you know what a paedophile is?"
"No."
"Have you ever been spit-roasted?"
"Look mister," says Johnny removing the mask, "I'm not really a welder you know."
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Why do women call it PMS?
Mad Cow Disease was already taken
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Whats the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives shelter?
The dishes if she knows whats good for her
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*knock knock*
Who's there
Zis is the Nazi's, vere are your papers??
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An old Chinese man walks into a bar, up to the black bartender and says "Give me a trigger, nigger!" The bartender is a bit offended but pours the man his drink anyway. A few minutes later, the Chinese man finishes his drink, walks up to the bar, and again says "Give me a trigger, nigger!" The bartender is getting a little mad, but lets it slide. The Chinese man finishes off his third drink, and walks up to
the bar, but before he can order, the black man says, "Please don't call me a nigger again, it's offensive." The Chinese man just laughs and says "Give me a trigger, nigger!" which infuriates the bartender. "Okay," he says, "that's it, let's trade places and see how you like it!" The Chinese man agrees, and the black man walks out of the bar, and back in, to where the Chinese man is standing behind the bar. He says to the Chinese man, "Give me a drink, chink" to which the Chinese man replies "I'm sorry - we don't serve niggers here."
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Q) What's the best part about fucking a two week old baby?
A) Deep throat from both ends.

(OMG)
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A baby seal walks into a club...
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Q: In Greece, how do you seperate the men from the boys?
A: With a crowbar.
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What do you get if you cross a black-man with an octopus? Nothing much, but by fuck it can't half pick cotton.
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What's the difference between a french girl and a bowling ball?

You can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball
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Q: Why can't you have sex with pensioners?
A: Have you ever tried taking apart a cheese & ham toastie?

Q: Why do women have legs?
A: Have you seen the mess a slug makes?
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How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
One, but you have to throw it really hard
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Little Johnny misses a day at school.
He comes back the next day and the teacher asks why he was off.
"Sorry Miss," he replied, "Daddy got burned"
"Oh dear" says the teacher, "I do hope it wasn't serious"
"Well Miss, they don't fuck about at the crematorium"
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A guy steps into an elevator and notices a nice looking girl is in it.
He leans over and says, "Can I smell your cunt?"
"Of course not!" she screams back at him.
"Oh - then it must be your feet" he replies.
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What's Bin Laden's favourite receipe?
Big Apple Crumble
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World Trade Centre...
There's still a Hotdog seller running around Ground Zero trying to find out who ordered the "Jumbo"
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Tomorrow was Katie's birthday and she was excited
"Guess how old I'm going to be tomorrow!" she yelled to her dad.
"Don't know" he replied, playing along.
"I'll be six!" she replied.
She went into the kitchen and asked her grandad, "guess how old I'll be tomorrow!"
"To answer this I need you to pull down your knickers." he says.
So Katie does this. Her grandad inserts two fingers into her cunt, moves them around, pulls them out, sniffs, then licks them.
"You'll be six tomorrow" Grandad says.
"How did you know that?" replies Katie.
"Because I heard you saying it to your dad" was the reply.
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Whats red slimy and crawls up a womans thigh
A homesick abortion
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Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She wasn't wearing her seatbelt.

(LOL)
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Whats the worst thing about shagging a 6 year old?
Having to kill it afterwards
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What's a Police Officer's favorite hand in poker?
Four clubs beat a spade.
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In the hills of Tennessee a girl ask her father "Kin I use the car daddy?"
He replies "Sorry hunny, your brother needs it."
"But Daddeeeee"
"Well, alright, I'll tell him he'll have to wait. But you have to suck my dick first."
"Oh, okay"
So she goes down only to pull back spitting and sputtering.
"Daddy, it taste like poop!"
Father replies: "I told you your brother needed the car too."
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Q: Two pakis jump off a cliff - one's wearing red, the other's wearing blue. Who wins?
A: Society.
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Thats all up to page 34 (14/9/04)
(Dogmatix, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 10:25, Reply)