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This is a question Real Life Slapstick II

What's the best slapstick thing you've ever seen?
Have you witnessed someone walking into a lamp-post? A food fight? Someone clonked round the face with a frying pan? All your favourite moments please.
(suggested by social hand grenade)

(, Sun 5 Oct 2014, 16:03)
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The Revenge of Little Chadderleigh
Helloooo Sweeetiez!

A few months after my departure from the planet Pharxon after the ending of the reign of the insane King Ploptus -

b3ta.com/questions/celebrations/post2378776

- I was knocking back a great many pints of Space Stella at Vabberpinge Spaceport when I witnessed a drunken Sontaran trip over a sun lounger and almost fall into a swimming pool. It was hilarious!

As I watched and laughed an extraordinarily sexy felinoid sidled up to me. ‘Hi, sexy,’ she purred sexily. (Note – I was male back then).

‘Well, hello, sexy cat woman,’ I said, hardly believing my luck. ‘What’s your name?’

‘Li,’ she breathed. ‘Li, the feline – and I am indeed a lithe feline.’

By now my erection was immense. ‘And what can I do for you, Li?’

She leaned in and whispered into my ear: ‘You can come with me and fuck me, fuck me, fuck me. Ohhh… fuck me.’

I stupidly allowed her to lead me into a back room in which I was brutally and efficiently clubbed into unconsciousness. I never saw her again.

When I came round I found myself strapped in a chair unable to move a muscle. I was in a large rust-walled room in some abandoned sector of the spaceport. In one corner was a glass-walled chamber that looked like it was a recent addition. As I took in my surroundings a door opened and a strange, grotesque figure approached.

It was a half-human, half-machine cyborg – like Charles Dance out of Space Truckers. As it came nearer I realised who it was. ‘Little Chadderleigh!’ I exclaimed. ‘Alive! But – how?’

‘I didn’t die on Pharxon,’ the creature began. ‘My body was thrown away but found by soldiers of General Azeeb. They rebuilt me and now I have come for my revenge, my revenge on YOU, Banger of the Bum Drum!’

‘Oh,’ I said. ‘Well, it’s good to keep busy.’

Little Chadderleigh blinked rapidly in a clear effort to control his rage. ‘I know you are a Time Lord, Skagra, and so I have devised your punishment accordingly.’

I yawned. ‘You’re boring. Bring back the sexy felinoid, for fuck’s sake.’

‘You will be sealed within this glass chamber,’ said Little Chadderleigh, pointing at said chamber with a cybernetic finger. ‘The glass is Titan Mega Glass – the toughest ever devised - no escape! Every million years, a drop of water will fall from the nozzle you can see in the ceiling of the chamber. One tiny drop, every million years! Thus the chamber will, after an insanely long period of time, fill with water,and you will drown. And then you will regenerate! And then the chamber will be drained, and the whole process will begin over again. And again and again and again, until you reach the end your regenerative cycle, after countless vigintillions of years of mind-lacerating torment! Ha ha ha! Aaah ha ha ha haaaaa!’

‘I don’t think so,’ I said, and, using my special Time Lord powers, freed myself from my bonds and rendered Little Chadderleigh unconscious.

Then I got to work.

When Little Chadderleigh regained consciousness, he found himself strapped naked to a vaulting horse, much like the one he had been strapped to in the court of King Ploptus on Pharxon. In his mouth was a ball-gag, in his nose were 35 shiny pins, on his ears were 6 bulldog clips apiece, and on his bald bonce I had re-tattooed the words ‘PLEASE BUM ME.’ On seeing me Little Chadderleigh’s eyes widened and his skinny body strained to be free – vainly, as I had ensured the bonds could withstand the extra strength of his cybernetic enhancements.

‘Nnnnnnmmmgf! NNNNNMMMGF!’ he said.

‘Hello again, Little Chadderleigh,’ I said jovially, smiling down at his prone form. ‘Let me explain what is going to happen to you. We are on an abandoned space station in the middle of absolute nowhere. The station is cloaked, so no-one will ever, ever find it. As you can see, I have re-created the throne room of King Ploptus. See around you, standing in a circle, 36 enormous muscly oily dark-skinned men in animal masks, all with enormous cocks – eight inches at the every least – and all desperate to fuck you – UP THE BUM. Except, these are not men; they are biomechanical constructs, who do not need to sleep, eat, or drink, and whose lifespans are approximately 500 years.’

‘Nnnnnnmmmgf! NNNNNMMMGF!’ said Little Chadderleigh.

I pointed out a robot standing nearby. Round its neck was a toy drum, over which it held a drumstick. ‘See this robot? Once activated, it will commence to bang the drum steadily and rhythmically, at which point – well, I don’t think I need to tell you what will happen.’

‘Nnnnnnmmmgf! NNNNNMMMGF!’ said Little Chadderleigh.

I pointed at another robot. ‘See this other robot? It is programmed to change your feeding tube and replace the pack when it runs out, as I have fitted you with a nutrient feed to keep you fed and watered over the coming years. I don’t want you dying of hunger or thirst on me!’

‘Nnnnnnmmmgf! NNNNNMMMGF!’ said Little Chadderleigh.

‘Both of these robots’ power-packs will last at least a thousand years each. Now, given your cybernetic enhancements, I estimate that you will live for about another 150, 200 years, maybe even more.’ I brought my face down level with Little Chadderleigh’s. ‘And for all that time you are going to be brutally and relentlessly BUGGERED! That’ll teach you to fuck with a Time Lord, you little CUNT!’

‘Nnnnnnmmmgf! NNNNNMMMGF!’ said Little Chadderleigh.

Without further ado I activated the Bum Drumming Robot and it began to beat the Bum Drum.

Instantly, the biomechs sprang into action. 'BUM! BUM! BUM! BUM! BUM! BUM! BUM! BUM! BUM! BUM! BUM! BUM! BUM! BUM! BUM! BUM! BUM!' they chanted, whilst stroking their immense erect penisis with greased fists. 'BUM! BUM! BUM!'

I clapped my hands, and one of them scampered forward and slid his erect penis, all eight glistening inches of it, right up Little Chadderleigh's ass. He fucked the boy savagely, brutally, and roared as he ejaculated fulsomely deep within the unfortunate youth's innards. He then slid out, panting, and the next one took his place.

'BUM BUM BUM!' chanted the masked biomechs. ''BUM BUM BUM! ME NEXT! ME NEXT! BUM BUM BUM!’

I stayed for an hour or so to ensure everything was running smoothly, then went into my TARDIS and zipped forward ten years. When I stepped back out, it appeared as if only ten minutes had passed. Little Chadderleigh was being brutally buggered by a by a biomech, whilst the others danced around chanting 'BUM BUM BUM! BUM BUM BUM! ME NEXT! ME NEXT! BUM BUM BUM!’ The only difference was the vast pool of fresh and dried faeces, blood and semen on the floor around the base of the vaulting horse.

I watched for a while, smiling with grim satisfaction. I then went forward a hundred years. The scene was still the same, though Little Chadderleigh’s face was now showing signs of age. I looked into his eyes – they were the eyes of a dead flounder, dull, flat, listless, dry even of tears, as the biomechs pounded and pounded and pounded away, and chanted 'BUM BUM BUM! BUM BUM BUM! ME NEXT! ME NEXT! BUM BUM BUM!’

I then zipped forwards another fifty years. By now Little Chadderleigh’s body was showing signs of age, its flesh visibly withered and dry. This did not seem to bother the biomechs, who were having at his ass with undiminished vigour and enthusiasm. 'BUM BUM BUM! BUM BUM BUM! ME NEXT! ME NEXT! BUM BUM BUM!’

I watched for a while, and when the current biomech had grunted and groaned and shot his lot up Little Chadderleigh’s ass I switched off the Bum-Drumming Robot. Instantly, all the biomechs ceased their chanting and dancing and wanking and sat down cross-legged on the parquet floor.

I inspected Little Chadderleigh’s ring, my shoes squelching in the mess of blood, faeces and semen. After sixteen decades of use, it was in a very sorry state indeed. The flesh of Little Chadderleigh’s ass hung in bloody shreds. It looked like the very entrance to Hell itself.

I went round to the other end of Little Chadderleigh and stared into the wretched being’s eyes. Although he was still alive, there was no life to be seen on those dull orbs. I flicked him on the forehead. ‘Hello, Little Chadderleigh! Me again!’

Very slowly, a spark of life returned to his eyes. He blinked. ‘Nnnnnnmmmgf! NNNNNMMMGF!,’ he said on seeing me.

I rubbed my hands together. ‘Now then, Little Chadderleigh, I am going to offer you a choice. Death now, or more years – maybe even decades – of brutal, relentless buggery, before you finally die of old age?’

‘Nnnnnnmmmgf! NNNNNMMMGF!’ said Little Chadderleigh.

‘Oh! Sorry.’ I removed the ball-gag. ‘Well? Your decision? Death now, or at some unspecified future juncture, after many, many more years of relentless assrape?’

Little Chadderleigh muttered his first words in 160 years, but I didn’t quite catch them. ‘Sorry?’

A trembling whisper issued from the wretch. ‘Death now.’

‘Death now, what?’

The whisper came again. ‘Death now, please.’

‘Death now, please what?’

Little Chadderleigh raised his head to look at me. There was nothing in his eyes. No fear, no hate, no pain, no broken heart, nothing. They were empty of life. He was already dead. ‘Death now, please, Sir.’

‘Okey dokey,’ I said. ‘Give me a minute.’

I set to work. I deactivated the two robots and all but two of the biomechs. I then constructed a mincing machine – no, not that sort of mincing, the other sort, that grinds up meat to make mincemeat.

When it was finished, I said to Little Chadderleigh: ‘See this? It is a mincing machine. You will be fed into it feet first and minced to death. The process is designed to be as slow and as agonising as possible, and will take several hours.’

Little Chadderleigh said nothing.

The two biomechs unstrapped him from the vaulting horse and held him over the jaws of the mincing machine, which were grinding hungrily inches below his emaciated feet.

‘Any last words, Little Chadderleigh, before your slow and agonising death at the hands of I, Doctor Skagra, Time Lord?’

Little Chadderleigh said nothing.

‘Right, in with the cunt,’ I said.

The two biomechs lowered him into the teeth of the mincing machine which promptly reduced his feet to mincemeat. And Little Chadderleigh began to scream, and scream, and scream. Was that a note of relief, of release? No, the cunt was just screaming in sheer mortal agony.

‘AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAIEEEEEAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!’ shrieked Little Chadderleigh.

Blood splattered everywhere as the machine consumed more and more of his body. There was a joyous crunching crackling sound as his skin, flesh and bones were pulped into mincemeat. His cybernetic enhancements meant he survived longer than a non-enhanced being would, and so he suffered for longer.

I watched and wanked, and ejaculated all over his shrieking face right at the last moment of his life. Good timing, or what?

And then I blew up the abandoned space station, and fucked off in my TARDIS. I later made a kick-ass chilli con carne out Little Chadderleigh’s minced remains.

So let that be a warning to you, sweeties! Don’t fuck with a Time Lord – or Lady!

LAIG8HTERZ!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
(, Tue 7 Oct 2014, 19:04, 12 replies)
could
you write a fanfic on what happened to Bea Arthur after she was left alone with that rape alien in the Cantina on Star Wars Christmas Special please?
(, Wed 8 Oct 2014, 4:41, closed)
No
Soz sweetie I don't know what that is

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
(, Wed 8 Oct 2014, 11:38, closed)
Well
get watching it then https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6c3B18gAJyc you'll love the rape alien, going on your stories.
(, Thu 9 Oct 2014, 6:24, closed)


(, Wed 8 Oct 2014, 9:35, closed)
gash

(, Wed 8 Oct 2014, 10:26, closed)
Thanks for your feedback sister
XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
(, Wed 8 Oct 2014, 11:34, closed)
Just letting you know that I didn't read this because I just assumed that it was pish.
HTH xxx
(, Wed 8 Oct 2014, 10:28, closed)
Thanks for the information sweetie
XXXXXXXXXXXXX
(, Wed 8 Oct 2014, 11:34, closed)
Utter shit. The sort of shit you have after drinking 10 pints of scrumpy from a proper Somerset farmer, followed by a kebab from an establishment that has little or no regard to food safety laws.
I hope your reTardis kills you.
(, Wed 8 Oct 2014, 12:32, closed)
Thanks for the feedback sweetie!
Hugs

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(, Wed 8 Oct 2014, 13:27, closed)
got a laugh at the 'mincing machine – no, not that sort of mincing' gag
well played there
(, Wed 8 Oct 2014, 12:50, closed)
Another satisfied customer!
G-Granville, fetch the butt plugs!

XXXXXXXXX
(, Wed 8 Oct 2014, 13:28, closed)


(, Wed 8 Oct 2014, 16:03, closed)
Huzzah!
I was waiting for someone to say that.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
(, Wed 8 Oct 2014, 16:11, closed)
Why is this story not titled 'Little Chadderleigh's Lover'?

(, Wed 8 Oct 2014, 16:26, closed)
Oooh y'bastad
I was saving that title for next week's story!

XXXXXXXXXXXXX
(, Wed 8 Oct 2014, 17:57, closed)
I have a vision
Of a transcript of this being read out in a courtroom one day...
(, Wed 8 Oct 2014, 16:35, closed)
At...
The Trial of a Time Lady?
(, Wed 8 Oct 2014, 17:43, closed)
or
the least well-advised Defendant's Closing Speech in history

Seriously though.. dafuck?
(, Wed 8 Oct 2014, 18:48, closed)
Never mind sweetie
Next week's story features no brutal bumrape, torture or murder.

Depending on the question, of coruse!

XXXX
(, Wed 8 Oct 2014, 19:22, closed)
Good to see that...
....peado rape fantasies are OK on here but humorous images of old ladies with winkies aren't.
(, Wed 8 Oct 2014, 21:33, closed)
Don't worry sweetie!
Little Chadderleigh was well over age, certainly by the time of his death.

So it's just the torture, sadism and assrape that you need to worry about.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
(, Wed 8 Oct 2014, 22:02, closed)
He was 'of age'?
MODS!
(, Fri 10 Oct 2014, 0:37, closed)

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