Badgers are bastards
I used to live in the middle of the countryside, and had a very small smallholding. I grew fruit and veg and kept chickens, ducks and geese. It was great, and I'd do it again in an instant, but dusk was badgertime. Which is a lot less fun than hammertime. At dusk the badgers would come and if I hadn't put the birds to bed, they'd get eaten. I know it's fair enough, as they've got to eat, and it didn't happen very often, but when it did it was horrible. One night the badger came a bit early (they did this from time to time) and I heard a crazed frantic quacking. The fucker was in the process of ripping a duck's throat out. I chased it away and then had the not such fun task of finishing the poor duck off. While I was doing this, the badger had snuck back in and started chasing the other duck around. I picked up a metal pole and lobbed it at the badger. Of course it missed, but it also ripped a huge gash out of my hand, and the badger just kind of snorted in disgust and wandered off, not in the least bit intimidated.

This was but one of many battles between myself and the badgers of doom. I was so traumatised that for years I'd get twitchy at dusk; and about 5 years later, when a friend I had visiting moved slightly in the night I sat up and whispered "what's that?" to which she replied "it's only me". I lay back down muttering "well at least it's not a badger!"

Sorry if this read like one of those build up to a pun stories. I can think of no pun for you, but I'm open to suggestion.
(teasus likes tea, Wed 8 Oct 2014, 22:14, 8 replies)

Clicking dis!
Got pals who are smallholders and regularly on pub quiz nights I'm regaled with accounts of mass chickencide by the local foxes or their pigs escaping and locustiifying all rheir crops. They love it though. And I get free blackcurrants.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Wed 8 Oct 2014, 23:00, closed)

hi I am a new mum too and can you recommended a maternity bra.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Thu 9 Oct 2014, 7:11, closed)

new mum big tit
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Thu 9 Oct 2014, 9:28, closed)

^mumsnet

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Thu 9 Oct 2014, 10:51, closed)

I enjoyed the slapstick element of this anecdote.

( MisterPunch did it that way on, Thu 9 Oct 2014, 8:19, closed)

Cartoon badgers and foxes,
Chasing cartoon chickens and ducks,
Set to the tune of Benny Hill.

(Horrific cartoon blood.)
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Thu 9 Oct 2014, 11:33, closed)

yourself doesn't understand reflexive pronouns

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 9 Oct 2014, 8:21, closed)

Why don't yous talk propper,
like what the rest of us is?
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 9 Oct 2014, 9:12, closed)