Your Typical Internet Showdown
So a few years back I got into it with some jerk on Facebook. Puffed up little hard-man type, thought he was a player because he owned a BMW. Fuck knows why I even had him on my feed but there you go. He only ever did two things anyway: post pictures of himself posing next to that fucking car, or creep over women. Like, the second some girl changes her profile pic, he's there with some skeevy comment. He managed to do this without pissing off absolutely everyone beacause he knew how to toe the line between clumsy and enthusiastic and genuinely unpleasant.

Anyway, he'd been trying my patience for a while, when all of a sudden he started up on my wife. I didn't even know they were Facebook friends, but suddenly he's replying to her status updates with shit like "girl u so hot" and "babe u need a real man in ur life xoxoxo". I snapped and unloaded on him. Told him what I really thought, that he was a jumped up twat, a foolish little child-man and that having that fucking stupid car was no substitute for having a dick the size of a mouse turd. And get this, dickbrain gets all shitty with me, says he knows where I live and maybe he'll come round and teach me lesson, crap like that. He starts talking shit about my family and that's where I lost my sense of humour. No-one fucking threatens my family.

So I goaded him a bit further, got his blood running hot, and tricked him into giving me his address, on the basis that I would be round later that day for a good beating. I admit I said a few embarrasing things, I guess you could call it a meltdown, in deference to the topic, but that was all part of my plan. Obviously I didn't go. I'm not some fucking animal. I had a plan. I waited a little over a month, until I figured his tiny brain had forgotten the whole arrangement, then I packed some rope and my trusty hunting knife into my backpack and walked the 4 miles or so to his house, under cover of darkness.

When I got there, his car was in the driveway. I am man enough to admit it looked pretty impressive in real life. It looked strong, sleek and powerful. I eyed up the tyres as I opened my bag and brushed my fingers gently over the handle of my knife. My heart was pounding. I set my resolve in steel. It was now or never. I let out a ragged breath.

"Showtime," I thought to myself as I pulled my trousers down and thrust my engorged penis deep into the car's exhaust pipe. The metal and soot felt really good against my throbbing bellend as I shuddered and moaned, thrusting my triumphant manhood in and out of this beautiful machine. All of a sudden the door burst open and the jerkwad himself appeared at the door, a look of utter bewilderment on his face.

"What the fuck are you doing to my Beamer!?" he roared as I made sweet, sweet love to the car. "Your Beamer's name is Uncle Daddy and I'm fucking him up the back passage!!!" I screamed as I climaxed convulsively, overwhelmed by the sexual ecstasy of the greatest orgasm of my entire life. As he looked on in mute horror, I collapsed onto his driveway, utterly spent and satisfied.

And then I shat myself.
(Frank Snow, Sat 22 Jun 2013, 18:43, 10 replies)

Smashing stuff. Worthy of being one of Frankspencer's weaker efforts.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sat 22 Jun 2013, 18:55, closed)

Top work on the faint-praise-damnation there.
(I'm not being facetious, by the way. I think it's a lovely piece of lukewarm enthusia... Shit. I'm sounding facetious again, aren't I?)
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Sun 23 Jun 2013, 21:34, closed)

Triumphant.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 22 Jun 2013, 20:23, closed)

Outfuckingstanding.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sat 22 Jun 2013, 21:39, closed)

Someone page Ringo...
This is how it's done
( TheMattInAHat has a particular... odour..., Sat 22 Jun 2013, 21:57, closed)

meh

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Sat 22 Jun 2013, 23:09, closed)

I have written and deleted a scathing response to this 5 times already.
I hope you have learned your lesson.
(Frank Snow, Sun 23 Jun 2013, 2:47, closed)

Bravo

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Sun 23 Jun 2013, 21:59, closed)

well done haha

(Cov Boy, Mon 24 Jun 2013, 9:12, closed)

The last 5 words are beautiful.

(Brigadier an old boot sitting on a man's face - forever, Tue 25 Jun 2013, 7:33, closed)