Autofellatio
No, I can't do it, but read on.

Several years back, I stopped by a party late one night, around the time people were snorting coke (not something I partake in). One of the guys there was well known for claiming he can put his own penis in his mouth. Everyone demanded a demonstration.

The guy was no stranger to showing off this fact. One time at our favourite dive bar, he snuck into the women's washroom, pushed one of our female friends into a stall and locked himself in too, and started fellating himself in front of her. She was screaming and everyone else thought he was raping her, but, well...

Anyway, he finally relented, but he said due to shyness reasons he'd only do it in another room with three people present. It didn't matter that one of the people would have a video camera.

I somehow made it in for this demonstration. I can't remember what my reasoning was for wanting to go along, but I think I'd probably have made the same choice again today.

We went into the unfinished basement laundry room. He was, uh, high on coke, so he couldn't really get it up. He ended up having to stretch it out so it would meet his mouth. It was an insane feat of flexibility mainly in the upper back region that I thought only my cat capable of.

It was not very nice to see, somewhat resembling a man eating a limp piece of bacon out of his fly. I didn't like what I saw, so I turned around and smashed my head through the nearest drywall, creating a not insignificant hole.

For months after, people would come up to me and say "Hey Race, I saw the video. You were amazing!" Never mind the guy autofellating himself, we all want to see Racetraitor putting his head through a wall.

My spinally gifted friend at another point told me that autofellatio is great; no cleanup afterward. Later, he had a brief relationship with my sister, and then tried to become a Buddhist monk. Last I heard, he was telling people seriously that he's a time-travelling Nazi from the past.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Thu 18 Nov 2010, 15:05, 10 replies)

find me a bloke
who claims he's never tried, and I'll prove that it isn't bloke at all, but a woman instead.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 18 Nov 2010, 15:15, closed)

This
Has made my mind hurt.

But I kind of like it.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 18 Nov 2010, 15:17, closed)

I like your username
Not long back, after a night of Class As and whisky, I was so ashamed I branded myself a "Race traitor and a disgrace to the nation" - a tag I'm proud of to this day
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 18 Nov 2010, 15:18, closed)

Race traitors get the best women
I'm not a disgrace to my own nation for sure. But it's been over 12 years since I so much as touched a woman of the same race as myself.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Thu 18 Nov 2010, 15:55, closed)

I used to know a guy who could do this...
We only found out this time at band ...err... Air Cadet camp when he was caught playing a solo on his own pink oboe, which he had liberally smeared with jam.

In the words of Ron Manager: "Enduring Mental Image"
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 18 Nov 2010, 15:30, closed)

I once smeared my todger with jam.
all I got was swarmed by wasps.


and kicked out of the park.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 18 Nov 2010, 15:33, closed)

I did the same thing once too
Stupid WI. Never actually wanted their stupid cakes anyway, so there.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Thu 18 Nov 2010, 16:03, closed)

I have an infrequently recurring dream where I can autofellate.

Sadly, it's never any more stimulating than sucking my thumb. :-(
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Thu 18 Nov 2010, 16:04, closed)

"somewhat resembling a man eating a limp piece of bacon out of his fly"
hahhahahahahah *click*
( Michael Ellis contributes nothing, Thu 18 Nov 2010, 20:15, closed)

I keep thinking
I'm missing a cleverly hidden pun...
(Uncle Washy, Mon 22 Nov 2010, 12:50, closed)