Uptown girl
She's been living in her uptown world
I bet she never had a back street guy
I bet her mama never told her why

- CLUNK !!! - The videotape nearly ripped in two as the early eighties JVC video recorder, a hi-tech piece of kit for the time weighing in at half a ton and only taking up three cubic meters of my mate Bradley’s living room, wheezed and coughed and complained but somehow held steady(ish). Bradley and I were sat on the rug peering intently up at the screen.

“THERE!!!” said Bradley.

“Where?” I asked desperately – it was like looking at one of those ‘seeing-eye’ magic pictures where if you stare long enough you see a Bavarian castle, a horsey, or a lion – only that wasn’t the kind of pussy Bradley and I were scanning the screen for.

“THERE!!!” said Bradley again and he pointed.

“OH, THERE!!!” and I pointed too.

“No – that’s her kneecap! Further up! Further up!”

And we did this for pretty much the entire afternoon. Watching the video for Billy Joel’s Uptown Girl which we’d taped off of Top of the Pops and developing a massive, incredible, unbelievably strong crush on the fancy looking lady in the video who seems to really hit it off with the annoying shortarse whiney musician dressed up like a car mechanic. And why were we doing this? Because at school earlier that day Terry Johnson said that if you paused the video in just the right place as she’s getting out the car, you can see, very clearly, her puffy pink gash…

We couldn’t see a fucking thing. OK, we were little kids and wouldn't have recognised a pulsating pudenda if it'd been framed by a flashing neon sign with an arrow pointing at the glistening, puckerd lips stating: PUSSY HERE!!! But, we couldn't see a damn thing all the same. Probably a load of old bollocks on Terry's part. But still, twenty-odd years later if I happen to see the video for that utter waste of time song I’ll sit through the whole damn thing, perched on the edge of my seat, waiting, watching, hoping, praying…

Let’s face it – most teenage crushes centre round the fact that the object of your affection is in possession of a fully functioning vagina. And the girl in the Uptown Girl video certainly had one of those hidden somewhere about her person. Thinking about it, I’m just glad I wasn’t a teenager when the Spice Girls were exploding onto the scene like the five ropey slags dressed in tight, camel toe inducing spandex that they were…. I’d have probably gone blind…
( SpankyHanky, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 13:49, 11 replies)

You really ought to gather all these stories
and publish them, probably as "The Secret Diary of SpankyHanky" or words to that effect. I'd buy it.

**Also clicks**
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 13:57, closed)

@1:43
www.youtube.com/watch?v=2F-nt7aC_JQ

No gash action :(
( Michael Ellis contributes nothing, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 14:23, closed)

Interesting fact: That leggy blond was Billy Joels actual wife.
Wait a minute, that's not interesting...that's not interesting at all.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 14:23, closed)

You shitting shit!

I now have that song in my head and I don't want it there.

Do. Not. Want. It. There.

We're not allowed music in my office, so it'll keep creeping back in again, no matter what I sing to get rid of it, it'll find a way to morph out of whatever song I'm singing and make a devious and unwanted return.

Nice story though... you shitting shit.
( Moey, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 14:28, closed)

Moey
sorry about that, fella. It is a fucking annoying song. Strange thing is that after doing this I can't listen to Billy Joel without thinking 'cunt'... (Don't suppose this marks me out as being any different than 99% of the rest of the population, now that I think about it)...
( SpankyHanky, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 14:36, closed)

No worries Spanky,
some cunt just walked through the office singing an even shitter song, which is possibly the all time winner in the top trumps of cuntingly shit songs.

I'll spare you all from getting it stuck in your heads and just go slowly mental all by myself.

*twitches*
( Moey, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 15:31, closed)

Love Shack - B52's...
That song actually makes me want to vomit. And then kill people. And then vomit a bit more.
( SpankyHanky, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 16:09, closed)

Jessice did
www.subliminal-messaging.com/disney-subliminal-messages/

clearly something there and did it for me
(bluehamster, Mon 9 Nov 2009, 14:42, closed)