Mmmm, ghostly bacon . . . (if you're allergic to long posts move along, nothing to see.)
This tale doesn't involve me but rather my good friend "Fred", last seen on this board shagging a 12 year old.

Anyway, paedo-lols aside, this tale is from a few years later. Fred is still living with his folks in their big, rambling, gothic, Victorian house. This particular house has something of a reputation in the village in which it resides as being haunted. Indeed Fred used to regale us with stories of ghostly noises and eerie feelings of being watched. He used to have a dark room set up in the attic and would frequently get such a strong feeling of dread and foreboding that he would have to down tools and leave pretty sharpish.

Things took a distinctly odd turn, however, during one week in which his parents and sister were on holiday. His brother was at university at this point so it was just him in his big, rambling house.

One morning he came downstairs and went into the kitchen to make breakfast. And then he spotted it. On the kitchen counter, next to the fridge. A packet of bacon. He stopped munching his cornflakes and had a closer look. Yep, there it was. A standard packet of bacon such as you find in a supermarket. Smoked, I believe. Puzzled, Fred assumed he had absent-mindedly removed it from the fridge and forgot to put it back. So he placed it back in the fridge and went out to work thinking no more about it.

When he returned that evening he went into the kitchen to make a cup of tea. He went to the fridge to get the milk out and stopped dead in his tracks. On the counter, next to the fridge - bacon.

"What the fuck?", he mumbled, as you would, really. He remembered putting the bacon away that morning and yet . . . there it was. Wondering if someone was in the house he wondered around a bit calling out to see if anyone was there. No, he was alone. With a growing feeling of misgiving he put the bacon away.

Next morning he again went into the kitchen. This time he spotted it straight away. On the kitchen counter, next to the fridge. Bacon. This time he was angry. He grabbed a knife from the kitchen drawer and marched through every room of the house, convinced (somehow) that a ne'er-do-well was hiding in the house, only breaking cover to leave a sinister calling card. Like the guy in "Seven" only, you know, more pork-based.

Exhausted, scared and unhappy Fred could find no evidence of anyone else in the house. Anyway, he reasoned to himself, all doors and windows were locked and the house had a pretty hefty alarm system. No-one could be there.

He had to leave for work, so with a profound un-ease he put the bacon back in the fridge. He was careful on the way out to ensure that all doors were definitely locked and the alarm system activated. But all to no avail. When he returned from work, with a numbing inevitability there it was. Kitchen. Counter. Bacon.

He phoned his friend Paul who came straight over. When Paul arrived Fred said "Right. Watch this", and picked up the bacon.

"You will note that I have a pack of bacon in my hands", said Fred. Paul, puzzled but playing along said "Okaaaay."

"You will also note that I am putting the bacon into the fridge and now I am closing the door."

"Okaaaaaay".

"Right. Let's go to the pub."

"Okay!"

So they went to the pub and Fred filled Paul in on the mysterious goings-on. So it was without much surprise that when they returned from the pub, yep, there it was, on the kitchen counter next to the fridge. Bacon.

Again, they searched the house but no culprit could be found. By this point Fred was pretty much a jibbering wreck, not sure whether he was being haunted, pranked or just suffering the effects of early-onset Alzheimers. He stayed the next several days with Paul, refusing to enter the house on his own. When his parents came back he told them what had happened but the mysterious bacon-mover never made another appearance. But those few days when Fred was being tormented by cured meat products really scared him.

Epilogue:
So come on, B3ta, what do you think was going on here? I know that one or two of you (just one or two, mind) can be slightly cynical. You're thinking that Fred just made it up, that perhaps in telling me this story he was having me on. Maybe, very possibly, but I know Fred and I know when he's telling porkies and he was always deadly serious when he told this story, and ever so slightly freaked out. Plus, we have Paul's testimony. Paul witnessed the said bacon incident and he's one of the worst liars you'll ever meet.

So I believe that something happened. Now, I don't really believe in ghosts - something beyond what we can describe with current physics, maybe, but not hauntings from beyond the grave. But, consider. Fred searched the house, found no-one. The doors were locked and alarmed. Fred is not mad, nor going senile. So what the suffering fuck was going on here?


tl;dr? Pfft, lazy fuckers.
(MrC. Having the most boring username on b3ta since 2004, Thu 5 Apr 2012, 22:38, 15 replies)

If Fred's ghosty is a girly-ghost she is shithouse
at making him his bacon sarney. She's probably given up cause he keeps putting the bacon away before she can get started.
EDIT: Also ethereal bj's would suck - wet and sloppy but you could hardly feel anything apart from the odd cold shiver down your spine.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 5 Apr 2012, 23:37, closed)

Hmm, possibilities I see.

1. A family member has enlisted a stooge with key and alarm details to perform an odd prank.

2. Fred is sleep walking due to unease at being alone, this seems to jar with work and pub occorences.

3. Fred had some sort of split personality issue, not as un common as you'd belive, especialy in creative people, and not as dramatic as on tell.y.

Personaly though, I belive Fred was just taking the piss, for the reasons that follow:
A. You'd not keep the bacon if that happened.
B. If an alarm was set, assumin theres a sensor in the kitchen, the fridge opening too get the bacon out would set it off.
C. If it were a ghost, the ghost would have to know how a fridge works, what modern bacon is packaged like, yet not have a clue how too cook it. seroously, what's caspers motivation? Bacon is moved, what's the game plan spooky?
(Mong goose, Fri 6 Apr 2012, 1:41, closed)

Your logic is flawless, all good points
except about Fred being mentally ill. I've known him for over 20 years and I'm pretty sure he's not.

I suspect a wind up, too, if I'm honest, but I do like this story.
(MrC. Having the most boring username on b3ta since 2004, Fri 6 Apr 2012, 23:35, closed)

Im not saying hes mentaly ill like propper loony shitting on the bus and eating peoples faces, but alot of people do get little things from time to time. hell, i can halluciate when im half asleep.

But you are right, i don't know the guy so its just speculation
(Mong goose, Sat 7 Apr 2012, 2:28, closed)

If I died and realised I could haunt people
I wouldn't spend a week taking bacon out of a fridge.
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Fri 6 Apr 2012, 12:08, closed)

The table intersected with a very small temporal anomaly.

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Fri 6 Apr 2012, 19:22, closed)

Fred made it all up.
He took the bacon out of the fridge before leaving to go to the pub.
Mysterious things just do not happen and these things always turn out to be deception and exaggeration. Well, sometimes they're mental illness I suppose.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Fri 6 Apr 2012, 21:48, closed)

Yeah,
I tend to agree. I so want it to be true, though, as I've always liked this story.
(MrC. Having the most boring username on b3ta since 2004, Fri 6 Apr 2012, 23:32, closed)

It was aliens.
GHOST aliens.
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Sat 7 Apr 2012, 8:09, closed)

ghost alien werewolves.

(The Kwyjibo A big, dumb, balding North American ape., Sun 8 Apr 2012, 8:27, closed)

Ghost alien werewolves in clown costumes.

( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Sun 8 Apr 2012, 19:32, closed)

ghost alieb werewolves in clown costumes accompanied by small twin girls wearing victorian dresses.

(The Kwyjibo A big, dumb, balding North American ape., Sun 8 Apr 2012, 19:33, closed)

Deserves at least a front page, this does. It's better than my yarn.

(Redemption blamed it on the Bossa Nova since, Sat 7 Apr 2012, 9:29, closed)

Are
any of you actually entertaining the thought that it really could have been paranormal activity, i.e. a ghost?
(Le Grenouille, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 0:22, closed)

No, I'm not a child.
(Mong goose, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 15:41, closed)