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This is a question Terrified!

Bathory asks: What was the most scared you've ever been? How brown were your pants?

(, Thu 5 Apr 2012, 13:32)
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Dirty B3ta Stalker terror-related fun!

Earlier today, a 'pub-buddy' of mine just popped her posting cherry (who from now on shall be known as ‘nikg33’ for that is her username). Please take my word for it that, other than a bit of lurking, she ‘was’ an absolute newbie to b3ta and the general fuckedupness that it entails,

Some of us Coventrian B3tards know her, and upon hearing some of her stories in person, we suggested that she should perhaps post something. Now, I don’t want to admit that we may have put her under any pressure at all. Sure, I may have commented: ‘It would be nice if you posted something’, Todj agreed, and did that ‘grunting thing’ that he does so well. Even Captain Placid took the time out of his busy schedule to glare at her, prod her firmly, yet repeatedly and threaten to ‘snap her like a twig until she pulled her thumb out of her arse and wrote some funny shit down’. You see? No pressure.

Eventually she wrote something.. .it meant a lot to her, I’m properly crap at links, if you want to go look for it, knock yourself out, this isn’t really about the post, we’re moving on….

You B3tards are a wonderful bunch. Before she knew it, she started to receive replies, and they were in the positive. Yay! She thought, possibly not realising that you were all endeavouring to encourage her into the dark, seedy underbelly that is B3ta, masked with a welcoming smile and the odd encouraging comment. (It’s just like what happened to me all those years ago…)

Now, it’s not for me to say that such encouragement went to her head. Oh no. That’s not right. I’m sure her feet were planted firmly on the ground and all that. However, (and this may just be a ‘woman’ thing) when she received replies, she wasn't content with just nice comments…oh no. She wanted to find out who had replied, what they did, and proceeded to dig up as much info as possible on any stranger who happened to have the good taste to like her contribution.

One of the unwitting participants of said replies was none other than The Mock Turtle. Don’t do it yet, but once you’ve finished reading this, check out his profile. (Oh, go on then, do it now, if you promise to come back, because actually it might make more sense in the end)

Before I proceed - Now, I can't state enough, nikg33 is by no means a programmer or coder of any kind. To put it mildly, in computing terms, she is more wet behind the ears than the hair gel on an overly vain haddock in mating season. So...she's feeling all proud and confident and she's checking out the profile of The Mock Turtle. 'Oh that's clever,' she thinks, admiring his skills...'Oooh that's good' she continues...in fact It goes on until: 'Oooh, th...WHAT THE DANGLING HORSE BOLLOCKS IS THAT!?!?!'

Unfortuantely, she has stumbled across the now classic picture with the mongoloid declaring “NIKG33 MAKES ME MOIST”

She pauses, recoiling in her office chair and reminding herself that because she is at work, it’s entirely inappropriate to freak out in the middle of the office. She then disconnects that logic chip and decides to go batshit mental.

Instantly, she starting texting me in a panicked frenzy, convinced that the Mock Turtle was some crazed stalker who had designs on B3ta virgins. It all made sense!

The texts started flying in to everybody: “CHECK HIS PROFILE NOW! “ she ordered, So I did, and upon seeing 'Pooflake makes me moist', I chuckled, and replied 'what about it?' before putting two and two together and realising she thought the worst…that ‘this time…it was personal’

Before I could explain, a veritable barrage of texts began to pour onto my phone. ‘Look at this picture!' 'You think that's fucking normal do you?' ‘Oh, you think it’s funny?’ ‘'Do you know him?' 'What does he want?’*

I don’t use the term ‘officelol’ lightly, but I think I may have ruptured a groin or three howling out loud at the supreme misunderstanding that I was currently bearing witness to. Wiping the tears from my eyes, I managed to explain the situation to her..just before meeting up with every one of the aforementioned B3tards in the pub (apart from The Mock Turtle obv) and engaging in a quite monumental piss-taking session that still hasn’t finished.

Overall, she may say that she was scared, but I firmly believe that she may be suffering that strange mixture of relief combined with that slight stalker disappointment that you get. You know, when you realise that you're not actually being watchedby some mental internet freakbag, but for a brief moment you acknowledge the fact that at least they put a bit of effort into it.

*At this point I Gazzed the Mock Turtle and told him about the situation. His reply was funnier than my entire post, and both he and nikg33 kindly gave me permission to write this story about it.
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 17:39, 25 replies)

That mongoloid is Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys, an absolutely smashing show that everyone should enjoy.
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 17:42, closed)
if it makes her any less fraught
the picture is a character called Bubbles from a Canadian sitcom called 'Trailer Park Boys', it's there equivalent of My Name Is Earl but without the good karma thingy.
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 18:00, closed)

it is 600000000000000000000000000000000 times better than my name is earl
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 21:31, closed)
It's not.
(, Thu 12 Apr 2012, 8:16, closed)

yes, yes it is
(, Thu 12 Apr 2012, 9:08, closed)
God I remember that show!...

Used to be on late night on Paramount Comedy.

Never seen My Name Is Earl - any good?
(, Thu 12 Apr 2012, 8:41, closed)

for one episode maybe
(, Thu 12 Apr 2012, 9:10, closed)
Wonderful story.
Many of the older B3tans know that Cr3 is the ™/Cr3ator of the coding for the image.

I must also add that I am a crazed stalker with designs on B3ta virgins.

Can't wait until rory lyon disses this.
(, Wed 11 Apr 2012, 18:13, closed)
Have I just tuned into The B3ta London Comedy Hour? There seems to be a lot of CP, Poo & drinking mates type of back-slapping going on here.
I'm almost sorry that I live several thousand km. away.
Tell you guys what - next time you're in Perth, Western Australia gaz me and the drinks are on me.
(, Thu 12 Apr 2012, 8:22, closed)
Not London but the wonderful paradise that is Coventry, hub of all that is fine and noble in the world.
(, Thu 12 Apr 2012, 8:36, closed)
fine and noble shit and shitty.
(, Thu 12 Apr 2012, 8:47, closed)
Still feeling a little bit
left out.
(, Thu 12 Apr 2012, 9:04, closed)

(, Thu 12 Apr 2012, 9:51, closed)
Awww that's nice.
(, Thu 12 Apr 2012, 11:56, closed)
You know you want it.

*flutters eyelashes seductively at ringo*
(, Thu 12 Apr 2012, 12:14, closed)
Also, I'm making this all up...

I don't have any friends.
(, Thu 12 Apr 2012, 8:43, closed)
All well and good
just don't tell her I was in her garden all last night, and it wasn't the wind that took 3 pairs of knickers off the washing line.
(, Thu 12 Apr 2012, 9:03, closed)
..I thought it was Pooflake again!
(, Thu 12 Apr 2012, 9:14, closed)

It was me actually ;)
(, Thu 12 Apr 2012, 9:58, closed)

Party in the garden was it? let me know next time boys i'll join you ;)
Oh and can i have my knickers back please..
(, Thu 12 Apr 2012, 10:04, closed)
I doubt
They'll still be clean when you get them back
(, Thu 12 Apr 2012, 10:45, closed)
there might be a few holes in them too.

They're not teethmarks. Honest.
(, Thu 12 Apr 2012, 11:47, closed)
I gotta say
When you see your own name up there it does give you the chill. I checked it out after reading the post and it was my name. Even though I JUST READ THIS I paused over my tea.
(, Thu 12 Apr 2012, 11:21, closed)
That image has been
causing consternation and hilarity in equal measures for several years.

It deserves a nobel prize.
(, Thu 12 Apr 2012, 11:46, closed)
^What titty ho bag said^

(, Thu 12 Apr 2012, 12:10, closed)

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