How to shit in the woods
A few years back at the height of the drought we did Christmas camping in the back blocks of our old farm. It was a stinker of a hot summer and as dry as I'd ever seen the place. Even the 'roos just slouched about bug eyed in the heat. This hot summer was complete with the biggest swarms of flies I'd ever seen.

Taking a dump became a matter of careful timing. Bog roll in hand, walk along in a cloud of flies, picking up the pace when you saw a good spot. Then jog along briskly, then run and overtake your personal cloud of flies as you head to the chosen spot, loosening your pants as you go.

Drop pants and squat, pump a nugget while getting the paper ready. Then wipe and get your pants on as a buzzing cloud of flies swarms in. Run safe in the knowledge that the turd will keep the bugger happy for a few seconds while you get to a safe distance. Then wonder which flies trying to crawl into your nose, eyes and mouth were just eating your turd.
(xixax, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:50, 13 replies)

Reading these, just makes me weep...
People! take a fucking spade with you! It does'nt have to be a 6 foot shovel, just a small garden trowel will do fine.
Dig hole,
Shit in hole,
drop paper in hole
Fill hole back up

Not that hard, and it means the next person wanting a woodland poo isn't going to be treading in your half digested pot noodles...
( The magic of chutney Shakes it like an Instagram filter!, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 13:58, closed)

This is private property in the middle of Australia with a billion ravenous flies. If I wanted people to step in in my poop I'd leave it on your doorstep at 2AM in a paper bag that's on fire.
(xixax, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:06, closed)

I say
why on earth don't you just go to the lavatory, like normal people do?
(username failed moderation, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:07, closed)

That would have involved a 2 hour drive and I don't think I could have held it that long on such bumpy roads. Somehow I don't think I'm selling you on the concept of the great outdoors.
(xixax, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:10, closed)

Well, couldn't you
have a chap bring one of those portable ones?

I mean, for heavens sake.
(username failed moderation, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:12, closed)

Definitely not, the facilities are appalling if there's no toilet and yet sufficient running water and electricity to cook a Pot Noodle

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:13, closed)

Will you please
take this seriously??
(username failed moderation, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:34, closed)

Is this a chicken and mushroom pot noodle?
I don't like chicken and mushroom. I'd be OK if it was a beef and tomato one though.
(username failed moderation, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 14:08, closed)

How to shit in the woods
1) Live in sensible country with temperate climate
2) Shit in woods
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 15:33, closed)

Well this just confirms my view
that Australia is a third-world country.
( evil_andy Stick stick stick stick sticky sticky stick stick, Wed 4 Apr 2012, 20:56, closed)

You clearly haven't been over East this summer
as: if you were somewhere in Q'land, NSW or Victoria all you would've had to have done is drop your keks in the waist-deep water and watch it float away.
EDIT: Oh god, I just backed up MV and evil andy. Bugger!
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 5 Apr 2012, 8:02, closed)

Yes, my favourite loo is out in the open on the shore of a lake with a million dollar view. It has a toilet seat and even a bog roll holder. Accessible by boat and in a more populous area so bringing in the mod-cons is worth the effort.
(xixax, Thu 5 Apr 2012, 11:26, closed)

I'm thinking that million dollar view
is good, but after you've enjoyed it, everyone else gets a $10 view, on account of the stinking pile of human faeces that is grinning at them from the side of the lake.
(username failed moderation, Thu 5 Apr 2012, 11:33, closed)