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This is a question Training courses, seminars and conferences

Inspirational or a waste of precious slacking-off time? I once went on a buzzword bingo-laden training course which ended up with my being held at gunpoint in public. Could have gone better, to be honest. Tell us your tales from either side of the lectern

(, Thu 15 Mar 2012, 15:01)
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The professional…

This is quite the coincidence I think - it might be a slightly tenuous link but I think it still applies, even if just for it's timing.

I have only just finished sending this message as a gaz to a fellow B3tard before I even saw what the present QotW was…

(There are only very mild tweaks from the original gaz to protect the innocent)

"You asked for advance warning of the next Pooflake calamity before I posted about it..well, This has just happened to me...

I have just experienced a quite genuinely proper 'twitchy arse moment’ – As usual, I was overstaying my lunch hour at the pub with Todj (Captain Placid, the big gay bear, blew me out again) and I received a text from my boss...

Now, that would've been weird enough (he normally either phones me or emails), but weirder still, he is currently IN GERMANY. Slightly worrying. He asked me: 'Where are you? and what are you doing right now?'

I knew I was rumbled - but I gambled and replied 'I'm in the office, and I'm available...'

He texts back immediately: 'Ok, can you go to my desk and sit in my seat?'

Ohhhhhh fucksocks.

Like the true drinking professional and royal hardnut I am, I promptly shat my pants.

Todj & I collectively decide to abandon our drinks and heroically bollock our way back to work as I desperately attempt to nullify my boss via text.

A couple of minutes pass by...and as I leg it through the doors of the building I respond again: 'Ok, I'm there, what now?'

He replies: 'Well I can't see you on the webcam?'

Oooh buggery fuckflaps I hadn't got there yet...erm…

‘Just be one more min' I text back, now in a seriously massive flappy panic.

His first reply: '???'

His second: ‘I want to introduce you to the CEO and higher board'


Jesus-fucking-H-bastard-cunting-christ-on-a-hoverboard!! 12 seconds later, there I was, plopped into his chair, slightly squiffy, red-faced, out of breath, the spillage involved in my last hurried attempts to quaff my cider still dripping from my tie, catastrophically late, and now waving like a particularly deranged mongoloid to a blank screen whilst my image was being projected 30 foot high in a conference hall in Stuttgart as part of my (now slightly embarrassed) Boss's presentation to my bosses' bosses' bosses' bosses' bosses.

Crikey, I am a massive twat. Well, you asked and there you have it. I haven't even written the bugger yet as a post...that's exactly how it happened.

I want to go back to the pub now".
(, Thu 15 Mar 2012, 15:50, 10 replies)
Laughing like a loon!
You utter bellend! I'd have paid good money to see the reaction from the sausageside overlords to the view of a post-lunchtime-boozage Pooflake.
Maybe he's been telling them you're his natural successor?
(, Thu 15 Mar 2012, 16:03, closed)
Not a chance...

There's a fucking Microsoft audit on the horizon, and I think they need someone to take the flak.

Cue Pooflake - Company nappy.
(, Thu 15 Mar 2012, 16:08, closed)
Haha! Rumbled!
Some superb expletive selection there, "Jesus-fucking-H-bastard-cunting-christ-on-a-hoverboard!!.."? Quality. *click*
(, Thu 15 Mar 2012, 22:05, closed)
Bloody 'ell
I bet you sobered up pretty sharpish!
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 9:39, closed)
Too bloody right...

Follow up today: My boss is now back in Blighty...and was waiting for me at my desk when I arrived for work. Eek.

After my frankly feeble attempts at excuses ('sorry I was late, I was taking a shit' was the best I could come up with) his response was simply:

"It's alright, Poofers. Your face seemed strangely red though, but that was probably the webcam" (erm!) He then continued: "...But I've got to ask, why were you pulling such daft expressions all the time? Some people on the board thought you looked a bit 'mental'...?"

I wasn't aware that I was.
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 10:22, closed)
I could see the whole thing unfolding as I read it... Absolutely brilliant!
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 9:47, closed)
Fucking classic!
Best way to join a conference evah! Heavily 'refreshed', out of breath, and 30ft wide!

*Clicks hard*
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 10:34, closed)
Your boss is a bit of a knob, though - even if you were in the office like a good boy, it's a bit cuntish to announce with no notice that you're going to be part of his presentation.

Couldn't he have told you before he went to Chermany?
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 15:06, closed)
My boss is brilliant, and tbh deserves better than to have a twatblanket like me working for him...
The story goes as thus:

It was impromptu. He was doing his presentation, and strayed onto some random questions. At the time, whilst hooked up to the projector, he was remotely connected to his PC in our office in case he needed to access any files.

Inevitably, one of the questions related to my job, and he said he: '...now had a chap who could sort all this shit out!' (fat chance!)

He then thought he would 'show off' and do the webcam thingy to parade me like the piece of meat I most obviously am in front of the bignobs.

Thus the texts...and my unending shame.
(, Fri 16 Mar 2012, 15:50, closed)
blessed with the picture building similes you normally use so well but prob a time thing. Well told anyway.
(, Wed 21 Mar 2012, 16:24, closed)

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