Not the funniest & quite long.
I’ve been volunteering for a homelessness charity in the UK for the last 8 years. This post isn’t a boast about that (I only volunteered in the first place to try & impress a woman I was playing hide the bratwurst with), but it is now something I could never see myself not doing – it’s a fucking brilliant experience.

The charity runs temporary centres for the homeless for eight days over Christmas (many of the hostels in London close over this period). The charity itself was founded as a result of a few people (I think 12 or so) setting up temporary shelter in a church (the charity is not a religious organisation) in response to the 60’s film ‘Cathy come home’. These 12 individuals expected about 30 or so homeless people to visit the shelter. Approximately 400 homeless people turned up. We now get approx around 2000 visitors (we call them guests in an attempt to give them at least some dignity) each year – of whom around 500 are rough sleepers with the remaining being either sofa surfers (temporarily staying with friends) or living in hostels.

I began as a general volunteer (there are several thousand volunteers across 7-8 centres that the charity operate) and for the last 4 years have been one of the team that manages one of the centres. We have operated centres in all sorts of buildings from the Dome (O2), London Arena (now demolished), empty office blocks, schools and colleges. We receive gifts in kind (food, clothing etc) from individuals and large companies worth a couple of million quid each year. Few of these mention it publicly and the level of philanthropy is humbling.

The mix of people who become homeless is unbelievably diverse, including graduates, professionals and about a third have served in the armed services in the past (these typically end up homeless from not being able to adjust to civilian life).

Anyone can become homeless. There is an estimate that before the recession the average adult in the UK was financially about 6 weeks away from homelessness if they lost their job. Fuck knows how much that figure has reduced since the start of the recession. A lot of people end up homeless as a result of a relationship break-up.

Yes of course there are pissheads & druggies and a lot have mental health issues. A lot of these ended up like this as a result of being homeless (remember the snow we had in February – you’d want to get off your head if you had to sleep out in that).

Typically the different problems the homeless suffer are made up of thirds. This means a third are ex-services, a third have substance dependency problems, a third have mental health issues, a third have suffered physical or sexual abuse, etc, but we see a lot of people with what we call multiple thirds – e.g. have mental health issues and are ex-services or have experienced abuse and have dependency issues. We have also seen an increase in homelessness since eastern European countries joined the EU – this is common – every rise in immigration comes with a rise in homelessness - fuck me can these boys drink.

The volunteers are fucking amazing. Some of my best friends are other volunteers who I’ve had hilarious nights on the piss with, brilliant holidays etc. I’ve also got a few shags out of it as well (volunteers not guests!). The volunteers come from a very diverse background – from leftie students to people in the 70’s.

I have met ‘A list’ celebrities who volunteer anonymously every year, quietly and with no publicity. We also have former homeless people who the charity has helped get sorted who come back & volunteer. The professions of the volunteers are so diverse the charity are able to operate dental, podiatry & general medical services, provide legal advise, teach basic skills (literacy etc) as well as dependency counsellors, cooks, sewers (to alter clothing), plumbers, carpenters, etc to make the buildings we get habitable.

The relationships the charity has with other organisations and councils means about 200 homeless people are re-homed over the 8 day period we are open – some go to hostels (first step to getting off the streets), some require further medical attention (long term residency due to mental health issues) and some are re-housed by councils.

I have on occasion taken rough sleepers to their new homes which is an incredibly emotional experience (and I am one of the most cynical & non-emotional cunts you would ever meet) – witnessing the sheer joy for them of getting off the streets & being able to get themselves sorted (jobs, qualifications etc) is extremely humbling.

Of course there are rough sleepers who don’t want a roof & four walls but they get the same access to services if they wish and we treat everyone equally (for example volunteers and guests eat together whenever possible) to break down barriers – the isolation of homelessness is one of the worst aspects and definitely contributes to the mental health issues that many will experience.

Yes we also get the occasional cunt who wants to spoil it for everyone else – fighting/ stealing etc. but as more experienced volunteers who run the centres we are trained by the charity on how to restrain these wankers & we ban them quickly (with the “help” of the rozzers where required). However these incidents are rare (probably 5 at each of the 7 centres across the week – 35 out of 2000 is a pretty good rate. Our first concern is the safety of guests and volunteers. Only one of the centres allows alcohol. Weapons & drugs are banned from all. One of the centres is women only & this is operated in anonymous location so these guests can get away from pimps, abusive partners etc.

When I turned up at my first shift in 2000 I didn’t have a clue what to expect, was slightly apprehensive and I only turned up to impress a sexy nurse I was seeing at the time. In fact the only good thing I got from my relationship with her was my introduction to volunteering and the friendships and fucking amazing (often hilarious) experiences I have had.

So if you’re based in London & don’t like the whole family Christmas thing you can volunteer at www.crisis.org.uk or gaz me for further details.

I have experienced some extremely funny times when volunteering but will post these separately.

And no I don’t read the fucking Guardian before you ask.
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 10:08, 17 replies)

.
Absolutely
Fucking
Genius

I've always respected volunteers, I don't think I'd be able to do it, I just don't have the patience/temper. But I think anyone who is willing and able to do is is worthy of anyone's respect.

Cheers.

*click*
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 10:24, closed)

*click*
fair play!
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 10:50, closed)

click click click

( rofl harris, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 11:19, closed)

I wholeheartedly support the idea of doing some voluntry work
Done loads myself and it makes you a better person without being a smug self-centred little shit.

If even one person this week decides to do some work at Crisis it'll be worth it.

Cheers & click.
( SpankyHanky, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 11:30, closed)

One quick correction
you don't have to live in London to volunteer (or not like the whole family Christmas thing) nor do you need to have any specialist skills or trainng to be a general volunteer.

Cheers for your comments
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 11:37, closed)

And there's lots n lots of local charities in your area
who'd love to have you pop along and lend a hand. And not only for homeless people, but for people with mental and/or physical health issues, longterm illness, etc.

Go on, give it a go! (It beats sitting round the house masturbating over the ladies tennis players at Wimbledon, well, now that that sexy Russian girl Sharapova's not in it anymore).
( SpankyHanky, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 12:04, closed)

Very good points mate
on both the local charities and wanking over Wimbledon!
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 12:05, closed)

I'm just upset that Rafa Nadal's not in it anymore
he does strange things... to my cock...

And in all seriousness, doing voluntary work has kept me sane over the years; and its a fucking great laugh and you get back ten times what you give n all that...
( SpankyHanky, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 12:07, closed)

clicks!
I'm currently homeless with my baby girl. Not on the streets, but in a very unstable and soul destroying situation. I've tried every housing association here; and they keep finding excuses for not housing me. The council had me in tears when I went to them 6 months ago, and told me I had to stay where I was till I was forcibly removed. That there are decent and real people like you trying to make a difference gives me hope. Thankyou.
(LittleWhiteTreat, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 11:59, closed)

Have at look at
Crisis may be able to help you (they are a national charity)

Also please look at:

www.homelessuk.org - Homeless UK has information on over 8,000 services nationally that can help homeless people and those at risk of homelessness

www.ris.org.uk - The Resource Information Service is a specialist information charity, and the leading provider in the UK of directories, websites and information systems about services for people in need. Tel: 020 7939 0641

Shelter's Housing Advice Helpline: 08088004444 (freephone)

Gaz me if you need to am happy to help further if I can.
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 12:04, closed)

i've told it's a good game
not really a big fan of first person shooters though so think i'll give it a miss.



only kidding. great work mate, you've almost talked me into it there.....
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 12:24, closed)

FTW
*click* for this - humbling, mate
( TheMagicDwarf is back like ballroom dancing, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 12:30, closed)

^ this
*also clicks*
( bluemeat has been best of all the animals since, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 12:51, closed)

Well done mate, I respect and admire what you are doing.
I used to work as an outreach worker in london and at times I know it can be harrowing and soul destroying, the flipside is amazing though. Keep up the good work.
CLICK, CLICK, CLICK!
( skeltonator Needs some new daps., Fri 3 Jul 2009, 14:20, closed)

My mate Pottsy
does your TV adverts ... cracking chap

Oh and *click*
(Teiresias, Fri 3 Jul 2009, 14:22, closed)

I've got nothing planned at Xmas
this year. My daughter will be staying at the ex-wife's and I've taken a year out from work to fight my ex-girlfriend for residence of our son.

I know what I'll be doing with my spare time in late December now, thanks.

*click*
(WillI'mNot logs in twice a year, every year, Tue 7 Jul 2009, 12:24, closed)

CLICK
good work sir! I am now a qualified youth worker and started out volunteering. although not with homeless people i'm sure like me you do take some shit, but when you do make a difference from your interventions it is a pretty wicked feeling!
(#monkey is salt-trash through and through, Tue 7 Jul 2009, 12:58, closed)