Pissed in a bathroom with the light off
The layout of my folks' house upstairs means that while it is quite easy to sleep-walk from a bedroom to the bog, because my dad sleeps incredibly lightly and is massively irritable if woken up by the slightest sound, I've learned (a la Mission Impossible) which floorboards are creaky and can walk around them. Unfortunately you can't do anything about the bathroom lightswitch pull-cord- in the midnight hour it resounds with a loud "Click-TWANGGGGGG!" against the silence of the night.

So, in my naughty youth when I'd go out to the pub on a Saturday night (16-17-18) and come back mildly wankered I would know exactly which path to come back home on autopilot, to get the key out, open the door, go up the stairs creep-creep-creep MAKE NO NOISE and slide into my bedroom silently and pass out.

Except when you wake up a couple of hours later busting for a piss when your bladder no longer feels happy storing the accumulated osmotic pressure of the 5 pints of Red Stripe you had earlier on that night.

Lurch up out of bed, vaguely upright but swaying like a puppet on a string, rebound off the door frames as you carefully creep out onto the landing and carefully shhh d'nt make a noise, got to be shhh, dad'll be upset, get to th' bog, no NO NO NO d'n't put the light on shhh 's noisy close the door shhh feel around there's the bog quietly piss shhhh...

Ohkeh. Ohkey. All done now shhh back t'bed.

It's dark. I am disoriented. the invisible room is spinning. WHICH WAY IS OUT?

Feel Feel touch wall follow wall in silence with touch what no, what is that? That's the bath, SHH making noise, SO door must be right behind me, stumble, WHOA almost fell over, SHHH try to see, no room is spinning, trip on bathmat BANG head bounces off wall, ow OW OW shit, which way is out? sink to knees feel-navigate in the dark my touch AHA the door, stumble back to room, bounce off walls on landing, back to room AHA FREE AGAIN.

Next morning, OWWW ow ow ow hangover. Look blearily into mirror. Why am I bruised?

Why indeed.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 6 Mar 2014, 19:06, 6 replies)

Can you cut this long story short?

(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Thu 6 Mar 2014, 19:09, closed)

No.
It's a story, not a staccato non-sequitir.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 6 Mar 2014, 19:11, closed)

I bet someone else can.

(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Thu 6 Mar 2014, 19:23, closed)

What you should have done, right, was pissed in your own mouth.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 6 Mar 2014, 21:04, closed)

I would have missed.

( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 6 Mar 2014, 21:40, closed)

I used to piss in the dark as well.
Until that time when I walked hand-fishing-cock-out-of-boxers-first into my dads forehead as he was sat atop the jobby engine in darkness.

It's a good job he was leaning forward really.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Fri 7 Mar 2014, 10:44, closed)

Officelols.

(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Fri 7 Mar 2014, 12:47, closed)