I occasionally get bored and email people:
I applied for a writers position, from a vague and unassuming advertisement I found. I was curious, maybe it was something I could juggle whilst at University and gain some experience, get paid and maybe even get published.... But then I got a reply.
--

“Hi Mr Lizard,

Thanks for your email. Currently we only have voluntary writing opportunities available. This would mean writing 3/4 articles per week on the website. Would you be interested in this? If so please could you forward me a piece of fashion/style writing you have done. If you don't have any then please could you write a piece and send it through to me?

Thanks, Sid*

--
Unfortunately I know sod all about the fashion industry. But that didn't stop me:
--
Dear Sid*

First of all, a hearty thanks in your direction. I have absolutely no problem writing three quarter articles. I am quite interested in this unusual request, i’ll admit, even though I have never trampled into the realms of the fashion industry before, I am now tempted beyond recourse. I now wish to dive headlong into uncertainty (and possible oblivion / enlightenment) and seek a new path.
So yes, my interest has hit new levels of unquenched desire to break away the crumbling shackles of an old me (i.e the boring unfashionable, dull me), and bravely stare into the vain colossus of the fashion industry. Stare the textile beast into its patchwork eye, punch it in the face and roar into its hypothetical mouth... ‘NO!’ (I shall roar)... ‘NO! Ye shall not conquer me, I am a MAN! ‘
So yes, hit me....
Oh wait, you want an article. Have some of this then (see below these words in brackets).

Article 1: (Gloves)
Gloves, gloves gloves.... Love with a ‘G’ at the beginning.
They cover your fingers, and you can get them for your toes (socks). They are simple devices, and are operated by inserting a finger into an individual sheath (five on each glove). The gloves do the rest.
Gloves are often worn on both hands (left and right) and are available in sizes ranging from microscopic (i.e anti-bacterial gloves) to Gargantuan (as worn by the Giant of Illinois – A Mr Robert Pershing Wadlow, who was over eight feet tall) – Imagine the size of his hands! I bet he could throw a man through the wall if he wanted to. A man you would never give lip to, that’s for sure. Although records do assure me his is quite dead and was actually a pacifist, so worry not.
For more information regarding the Giant of Illinois, please refer to the song ‘The Giant of Illinois’ by the band the Handsome family. It’s actually quite melancholic and best suited to a cold winter night, in which you can celebrate his life by wearing gloves and going for a nice walk under the gaze of a winter moon in stilts and squinting a bit so you trick your brain into thinking you are taller.
Anyhoo, Gloves. They are available in many materials, (including wool, leather and plate mail gauntlets with spikes on). They are used for a thousand different uses, and are quite adaptable. If forced to, you could quite easily wear the left glove on your right hand, or even on your head as some sort of impromptu comedy rooster (and strap one to your chin for added effect).
You can fill them with water. Assuming they are waterproof (the best way to test is to fill them with water) and they make handy water bottles if you happen to have lost your water bottle. Me and a friend once filled a laboratory gloved with a LOT of water inside and an egg and rolled it into a pub. It was amazing how strong those gloves were. We’ve been searching for those types ever since, but we can only find the powdery ones, that burst halfway down the stairs filling your shared house hallway with a lot of water and drenching you in the process. Having to explain that to your wildly humourless executive type housemate isn’t fun.

Gloves were probably invented to keep your hands warm, but are often used by golfers, in case all that strenuous golf hurts their hand. Others may tell you it’s to get a grip on the golf club, but don’t trust those people. They all work for.....

I would usually finish this article but i’m now 3/4 of the way through and i’m determined to stick to the plan.
If you would like more info regarding the last 1/4 of the article, or indeed any info about the Giant of Illinois, gloves, gauntlets, helmets, spears, pikes and maces, pauldrons, tabards, kerchiefs, coifs, headbands, and banners made from the scalps of a thousand dead warriors, then please contact me at this email address.

I hope together we can sail the woollen boat across the Velcro sea, together holding hands under the ominous shadow of a vain and burning sun (i.e the fashion industry).
I thank ye.
Mr L

--

Never got a reply.

*Name changed to protect Sid.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Thu 19 May 2011, 16:36, Reply)