A troll walks into a bar.
The barman asks "Why the big nose, warty face, green skin and hairy eyebrows?"

The troll goes "Wrraaaauuughhh!" and eats him.

True story.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 24 May 2011, 15:09, 10 replies)

An anaesthetist of my cquantaince once did a locum shift covering nights at the Royal London Homeopathy Hospital in Great Ormond Street.
He was asked to never return after enquiring if, when attending a cardiac arrest, they had to designate someone on the scene to fill a bucket of water so that they could water down 1ml of adrenaline to a suitable strength.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 24 May 2011, 13:40, 1 reply)

Troll
I went across this bridge tiny.cc/qv8x6

The wooden boards made a clickety clack sound as I travelled over it.

On the other side was a short, old creature wearing some kind of yellow cloth which seemed to glow in the daylight. As I approached him, I got scared at the sight of his shining footwear and corduroy trousers. He signalled me to stop - 'shit' I thought 'He's going to eat my brains, or kick me in the spuds - or worse tell me off for driving over his bridge'

"Cross my palm with 40 new pennies please" said the creature.

" I've only got a quid" said I

"that'll do I've got change" and he handed be back 60p and a receipt which said Aldwark Bridge.

I carried on with my journey - 40 pence lighter.

Looking at it now - he must have been a troll!

What a bastard.
(Clit Ninja is having a white space party!, Tue 24 May 2011, 13:34, Reply)

OK, I give in, you got me.
This week is shit.

The lack of self awareness is staggering. The ability of people to have managed to confuse bullying with humour is outstanding and the banality of what passes for trolling among about 80% of posts is mind blowing.

Or to put it another way, I know QOTW is basically all of us waving our dicks around in public, but if you are going to do that, at least have a dick worth waving.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 24 May 2011, 13:10, 27 replies)

This is how its done
www.b3ta.com/questions/trolls/post1213370
( WormuIus, Tue 24 May 2011, 11:45, 11 replies)

Any Questions?
I suppose this isn't really "trolling," in the true sense of the word, as it was done In Real Life and without any malice. It is, more accurately a Facetious Man being Facetious, but I thought I'd share it with you anyway.

A good friend of mine used to work for a high street bank, which meant that, every so often, they'd put a sign in the door which read "Branch closed for Staff Training," and take their employees into one of the meeting rooms to regurgitate marketing platitudes and corporate horse-shit at them for anywhere up to eight hours.

On one such day, the management-type running the training session introduced himself and began by encouraging dialogue between the trainees and their trainer.
"If there's anything you don't understand," he told them, "please don't hesitate to ask. Remember: there's no such thing as a stupid question."

What he should have realised is that saying "there's no such thing as a stupid question" to someone with a slightly mischevious sense of humour has an effect analogous to waving a crimson handkerchief at a male bovine. My friend is just one such person and immediately found himself having to suppress a swelling urge to fling his hand in the air and demand to know what colour the sky was, whether it was possible to buy stripy paint or elbow grease or whether Prince Harry was really Prince Charles' son.

And so the session trotted on, producing the aforementioned corporate horse-shit at the same sort of pace that horses achieve whereby they can walk and defecate at the same time. Some of the employees lapped it up, others fell asleep. My friend grew increasingly bored. Between each section of the course, the manager would ask whether there were any questions. When he, predictably, got little to no response, he reiterated the schoolteacher's adage,
"There's no such thing as a stupid question."

Later in the day, one section of the course did actually prompt a question. My friend spotted something which, he felt, should have been quite elementary, but seemed a little confusing. At an appropriate pause in the proceedings, he raised his hand.
"Ok, this might be a daft question, but --," and he was swiftly interrupted
"Now now, remember, there's no such thing as a stupid question."

At this point, he decided he had restrained himself long enough, deferred his original question and rose to the challenge:
"Are these my trousers?"

The manager had to concede that actually, yes, that was a stupid question.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 24 May 2011, 10:55, 2 replies)

still trolling around on the trondo story
havnt had so much fun being unsubtle sinc i ran out of rohypnol and rape tape
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Tue 24 May 2011, 10:38, 4 replies)

Driving
I used to have to drive a long way each week for work. As a result of this, I regularly encountered with the dregs of society - BMW and Audi drivers. For a good while, these people used to make me irate and I'd scream and curse and make obscene gestures at them when they cut me up, tailgated me or generaly drove like twats.

But what I discovered as much, much more fun and caused them to get very, very irate, was to wave and smile, give them the thumbs up or blow kisses at them when they did something stupid.

My favourite episode of road-trolling ivolved a Tuareg driver who was driving like an utter tool through manchester. he was cutting people up, queue-jumping, going straight on from the turning right lane... just generally being a gobshite. Now, I'd "held him up" for quite a while before he managed to do a dreadful overtaking maneuver, giving me the finger on the way past and he proceded on his dickish way.

Thing is, driving like this in an urban environment doesn't really get you where you are going any quicker, so a little while after he had gesticulated to me, I ended up sat next to him at a set of lights. So I got his attention by beeping my horn, gave him a massive, cheery wave and a double thumbs-up. He went fucking balistic: gritted teeth, hamming the steering wheel, the whole hulk-out jobby... then, in a fit of pique, picked up his coffe out of the cup-holder and threw it out the passenger-side window. Well, not "out", he failed to open the window first, so it just splashed back into the interior... he was not happy.
(ScousersPet, Tue 24 May 2011, 9:58, 17 replies)

I mentioned something about sport on /talk
and I imagine Fred West would have got a warmer reception. I still have nightmares.
( nameleft has bought a new telescope, Tue 24 May 2011, 9:54, 1 reply)

While it's all very well to celebrate Bill Hicks, Doug Stanhope et al trolling Christianity
I've yet to see a populist comedian take on Islam.

I'm starting to get the impression that everyone's too afraid to, which isn't surprising, considering the reaction to the Muhammed cartoon, but it does kind of give the impression that a worthy rant about Christianity is just chosing the soft target.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 24 May 2011, 9:39, 25 replies)

Bin Laden watched the IT Crowd!
Nice to see that famous and funny people troll too.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-13467407
(Woodlouse say it with flowers. Send her a Triffid, Tue 24 May 2011, 9:07, 3 replies)

Christian Robot
So this Christian turned up on a messageboard I used. Even by normal Christian standards he was a monomaniacal bore. It was apparent his religion - or as he had it his personal relationship with the actual living Jesus Christ - was a crutch to compensate for some crisis or twelve in his earlier life, including but not limited to alcoholism and having beaten and been unfaithful to his wife (this info from him, not a guess). He offended a lot of people with his bluntly homophobic, racist, sexist and generally misanthropic attitude, but was so linguistically dull with it he barely seemed human.

So I started another account on the same messageboard. I went round apologising on his behalf. I explained that he was not, in fact, a human, and that I was a programmer who'd written a self-running chatbot. Like Kenneth Colby with Parry, I'd decided I couldn't simulate a normal human being's conversation, and instead of choosing a paranoid schizophrenic I'd chosen a Fundamentalist Christian, on the basis people don't expect them to be intelligent and are therefore more likely to be fooled.

Plenty of people on the messageboard believed it. The MODERATORS believed it, at first, including my lame excuses as to why I didn't know the username and password "he" had signed up under.

It was quite a chuckle over the next few days watching people try to "break" him by asking him weird questions. It was even more of a chuckle watching the dumb f.ck respond in exactly the same way he responded to everything else, which was to say pretty much as you'd expect an amateurish chatbot to respond.
(SonofRojBlake, Tue 24 May 2011, 8:10, 22 replies)

And this week's prize for the angriest fish in the smallest barrel goes to ... for the third week running ...
b3ta.com/questions/trolls/post1212953
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 24 May 2011, 7:43, 27 replies)

I work for an IT company.
The latest thing that marketing have, like every other IT company, pounced on is 'Cloud Computing'. Or 'client-server' to those of us with better memories.

It's quite fun watching business/marketing types wince when you refer to it as 'fog computing' or say something like 'we could do that in the fog'.

If you ever get pulled up on it tell them 'it's all vapour, innit?'.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Tue 24 May 2011, 1:01, 2 replies)

I normally think that Stephen Fry is a smug git..
but he does deserve praise for one wise saying of his ...
"Oh I offended you? So fucking what?"
By tradition Trolls are usually ugly little shits hiding under a bridge: usefully, both a description and a definition at once.
(beaverwastemanagement a real company. I want to work for them!, Mon 23 May 2011, 23:53, 4 replies)

a few years ago
on star wars: republic commando (a game I really should have another go at, it was really rather good) I generally trolled some guy to the point where he said he would get half the game's community on me if I didn't stop. was a pretty fun twenty minutes, all things considered
(venort apparently exists, Mon 23 May 2011, 22:08, 4 replies)

Troll or mentalist
So I have been part of an on going discussion on the Amazon forum about the truly shite delivery company HDNL.
There is this chap who has been posting on there and all he can say is that he thinks they are the dogs bollocks and all everyone else does is whinge.
He blames his caps lock and dreadful grammar on the access software he uses as he is blind. I say horse shit.
Still have a look, see what you think and join in by poking him with a stick.
www.amazon.co.uk/forum/deals/ref=cm_cd_pg_pg14?_encoding=UTF8&cdForum=Fx1DEIHNWYF5SA9&cdPage=16&cdSort=oldest&cdThread=Tx1A9GFNUAIDZ&displayType=tagsDetail
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Mon 23 May 2011, 21:58, 1 reply)

How to irritate a table tennis player
Just keep calling it "ping-pong"
(An eejit passing by in a purple satin skirt with sparkly bits, Mon 23 May 2011, 21:04, 28 replies)

A good few weeks ago I compared talk user Mortal Wombat to Tom Selleck.
The reason why escapes me. I then did a TOAP of Tom with the words "yeah, and her momma!", hosted it on b3tards and linked it on /talk for a little laugh.
Anyway, the annoying little twat put it in his profile without me knowing and without re-hosting it.
So I uploaded a new image under the same filename and BAM!
Was on there for well over an hour with /talkers dropping hints etc.
Thank god for print screen.
BEWARNED: Contains Scat porn, NSFW!
www.b3tards.com/u/9a8441c6e0b73ddb4e32/mortalwombat.jpg
( Maffers I flow kinda strange like Spina Bifida footprints, Mon 23 May 2011, 18:29, 7 replies)

Advanced trolling.
None of you have been to the lectures, have you?
( Ungersven would support SpankyHanky's patreon, Mon 23 May 2011, 18:27, 2 replies)

for some reason and i dont understand why
my trolling posts over at the yahoo tondo forum are being thumbed down
wonder why
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Mon 23 May 2011, 17:21, 6 replies)

I scooped a whole load of idiots with this post
b3ta.com/talk/7196932
( mikeyyy, Mon 23 May 2011, 16:06, 7 replies)

over there on yahoo is a real live chance to troll right now
some spanish cycling guy got himself stuck between a garage door and a car
heres the linky
uk.eurosport.yahoo.com/23052011/58/tondo-killed-garage-door.html?act=new-comment&res=ok#co

course i have already started to stoke the fires and stir the pot etc
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Mon 23 May 2011, 16:01, 10 replies)

There is this


Spotted in Corfu a couple of weeks ago.
( krang, Mon 23 May 2011, 15:40, Reply)

I'm not going to pretend that this is a particularly brilliant bit of trolling, just what I can find on my hard drive right now (since it's so quiet on here).
This was a letter I sent to the Brighton Argus responding to a story about a Councillor accusing other Councillors of spending too much money on fact-finding trips.


( Zuowan, Mon 23 May 2011, 15:39, Reply)

Telesales (does this count?)
I spent a few month being unemployed a few years back (insert Scouser joke here). What I found quite quickly is that you get an awful lot of telesales calls during the day. Out of sheer boredom, I started trolling these people, rather than just hanging up.

I used to take great delight in:
giving a rediculously false name (Miss Tallulah Nahasapeemapetilon, Rev. Dave Thelordisoursavior)
giving my address as cell 962, B wing, Styal Prison
continuing my conversation with my cat, asking her opinion on what I was being sold
saying "you'll have to speak more slowly, I'm naked"
giving a few fake details, then saying "what is it you want the info for again?" giving a few more fake details then saying "what is it you want the info for?"
when asked if I own my home, saying "no I just squat here"
answering every question with "stop messing about, Dave, I know it's you"
I would always tell double-glazing types that my house didn't have any windows and that I'd bricked them all up because "I'm a vampire, you see"
saying "can you hang on a minute" and lying the reciever on the table, returning every minute or so to say "I'll be with you in a tick"
Asking really stupid questions, like "what's a loan?" or "what are windows?"
just repeating their questions back to them instead of giving an answer

I think I got blacklisted after a while, since the sales calls stopped...
(ScousersPet, Mon 23 May 2011, 15:29, 12 replies)

I used to be a mod on a comic art forum...
And we had a troll who decided that he would insult a young woman's (very good) art because she drew girly characters that 'looked gay'. When called on this, he continued to be a homophobic tosspot.

I could have banned his account.

I could have deleted his posts.

Instead, I changed his avatar to an erect penis and his 'interests' to Elton John, the Wizard of Oz, Dogging and Rough Bumsex.


Then I locked his account, leaving his posts up for all to see, with the new info proudly displayed on all of them.

He made a new sockpuppet and complained. I did the same, only this time it was Goatse for the avatar, Goatse for the interests and 'For a good time e-mail xxx-xxxxx' for the signature. Signed him up to a few gay porn sites on both e-mail addresses too.

Do not. Fuck. With. The. Moderator. Especially when he's an adenoidal 14 year old with a highly-developed sense of outrage and the sense of humour of a five year old.
(universalpsykopath loves what you've done with your hair., Mon 23 May 2011, 15:14, 29 replies)

angry for others
a mate of mine loves trolling and winding folks up. a lifelong scouser, he shares my hatred for the stupid lamb banana. once, in college, a student from out of town was praising the lamb banana. "it's a load of shit and a waste of taxpayer's money" my mate said.
frothing at the gills, this woman informs him that the lamb banana embodies the scouse sense of humour(wtf?).
"i'm a scouser, it doesn't embody MY sense of humour", he informs her.
"you're just not trying!" she cries. "you just don't GET the scouse sense of humour!"
an hour of winding her up later, he's called anthony gormley a cunt, said the beatles weren't that great and liverpool football club have gone to shit.
silly cow was in tears, calling him a judas and accusing him of being a class traitor.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 23 May 2011, 14:30, 30 replies)

You're gay I'm not
Can't say it back.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 23 May 2011, 14:05, 34 replies)

Computer training
I signed up to a several job agencies recently. Then earlier today, I got a call from these people:
www.careerjobsuk.com/
They offer e-learning to gain a Microsoft Certification. They get it dirt cheap and I would make a monthly payments at a massive discount because apparently they get funding or some such. I couldn't really hear very clearly because my phone is quiet, it's very windy outside and my eldest was playing COD in the background.
She said she'd call back tomorrow, then an email arrived. The email, the attached document and their website itself contained enough errors to not fill me with any confidence whatsoever.

So I did of digging, and found this:
www.certforums.co.uk/forums/new-members-introduction/42901-career-jobs-uk.html

If and when she calls back tomorrow, should I just sack her off or give her the runaround? I welcome your suggestions.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 23 May 2011, 13:51, 19 replies)