Explain this if you can…

Only the other day I was invited to a small social gathering with a couple of friends in the happy borough of Nuneaton.

As I turned up at my mate’s house, he presented me with a 3 litre bottle of cider and told my to ‘start the early drinking’

Once despatched, the three of us walked into town whereupon we visited several pubs…

…and here’s where it gets spooky…

~~~~~~~~ Wavy lines ~~~~ woooooo ~~~~~~~

I have absolutely NO MEMORY OF THE NEXT 12 HOURS!

Based on the subsequent investigation I have drawn up a shortlist of possible explanations:

Alien Abduction: On waking I had an overpowering sense of dizziness and nausea (and my arse certainly did smart a bit the next day). I also discovered strange green lettuce-like ‘vegetation’ over my clothes and odd stains similar to chilli sauce down my frontage. Perhaps in my transportational state the aliens had attempted to pass communication for my return to Earth – This would explain the strange code scrawled on my hand next to the name ‘Chesty’.

Demonic possession: Witness statements mention my ‘speaking in tongues’, and people not being able to understand a ‘single fucking word’ I said. This could also explain the strange red marks all over my neck and inner thigh, and the reported lack of control over my bodily functions which apparently led to the ectoplasmic gloop I later discovered in my undercrackers.

Conspiracy Theory: Perhaps sometime during the night I witnessed a government 'hit' – or inadvertently overheard the royals laughing it up about how they bumped off Diana or something; so subsequently MI5 were despatched to ‘zap’ my mind in a ‘Men In Black’ stylie. This would solve the mystery of why my head felt like a baboon had shat in it.

Well there’s the evidence but I am still at a loss to explain exactly what happened that fateful night.

I’ll leave you to form your own opinion.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 3 Jul 2008, 11:26, 7 replies)

I'd go for number one.
There's a lot of alien sightings in the Midlands : )
( girlinthehole, Thu 3 Jul 2008, 11:38, closed)

Sell your story, I can see the headline:
ALIENS STOLE MY BRAIN AND DRANK MY CIDER
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 3 Jul 2008, 12:43, closed)

obviously,
given that your mate gave you the cider, it was clearly spiked with date rape drugs. Hence your sore arse, lack of memory, and feelings of nausea. And the 'Chesty' bit is his new pet name for you - time to get down the gym and lose those moobs.
( Damocles wants no part of your debauchery, Thu 3 Jul 2008, 13:35, closed)

Woo! A reference to my home town
Funeaton as we call it, or someone once told me its called 'Treacle town'.

Those symptoms sound very common in Nuneaton - its a shitehouse with an overabundance of Chav.

Its such a nice place I moved to Cov..
(ldwater otherwise known as a 'jive turkey', Thu 3 Jul 2008, 14:05, closed)

@ldwater...

Woo! - Cov! - That's where I live!

So you feel my pain...
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 3 Jul 2008, 14:09, closed)

Wow..
Its a small world..

We could have walked past each other not knowing it was a fellow b3tan... spooky!!

(I dont actually have a story to post, so I just comment on other peoples :P)
(ldwater otherwise known as a 'jive turkey', Thu 3 Jul 2008, 15:06, closed)

Oh
I literally orgasmed with hilarity as i read this*

have a click

*-may not have happened
(Freddles, Fri 4 Jul 2008, 8:26, closed)