The simple art of misdirection
I had a weekend job working in a restaurant at Birmingham airport during the summer of 2000. It was a dirty, smelly, unforgiving job dealing with arrogant, petulant and above all insolent customers who seemed to resent my very existence, which can become understandably tedious. In order to alleviate the deep resentment I felt for all the lucky people who passed through, destined for warmer climes, I used to get my jollies by messing with them a bit. Simple yet harmless fun that made the days that little bit easier to bear.

This is a trick that I learnt from my dad and although it is designed to confuse and irritate, you'll find that most people never actually complain because they wander off with a look of total puzzlement on their face.

Step 1: Go about your day-to-day activities, patiently waiting for a hapless victim to approach.

Step 2: Having spied you working/skiving/committing theft by consumption/other diligently, the curious member of the public will sidle up to you and enquire, quiet politely, where they might find the nearest public convenience/cash point/first aid post/purveyer of food that won't induce vomiting and/or the rangoons.

Step 3: The fun commences. Point at a doorway/corridor/staircase/archway/portcullis/other, preferably in completely the opposite direction to the place requested and repeat after me in your most serious and deadpan voice:
"You see that doorway/corridor/staircase/archway/portcullis/other over there? You do? Good. Well, you don't want to go in/down/up/through there."

Step 4: Turn around, ideally making sure you still aren't facing the direction the person really needs, pick another door or corrider and continue in this manner. "And you see that doorway over there? Well, you don't want that one either. And the one next to it? You most certainly don't want that one."

Step 5: Rinse and repeat for as many times as you think you can keep up the act without laughing.

Step 6: Having completely and utterly confused and bewildered the person, finally point them in the right direction and give them the correct instructions which should ideally, be incredibly complex and difficult to remember. This ensures maximum confusion.

This can be done to just about anyone who asks for directions but best of all, the effectiveness and amusement to be gained are directly proportional to the rush the person is in. As a karmic bonus, it is essentially harmless as you are actually providing the correct instructions. Unlike say, waiting on platforms and telling people that a train does go to the stop they need when in actual fact it goes in completely the wrong direction. But of course, I'd never stoop so low as that. Anymore.*

*Apologies to all the people that wanted to get to Northampton but actually ended up in Coventry. And to anyone that lives in Coventry. Better luck next time, eh?
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 16:22, Reply)