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This is a question Useless advice

As a new parent, people seem to think it's OK to pass on any and every old wives tale possible. "Don't hug him too much". What? Quite what possesses people to pass on baseless, idiotic, useless advice I don't know.

That said, I quite often give car drivers directions and then, after they've moved off, realise that I've sent them down a bike-only route, so I can give as good as I get.

What useless advice have you been given (or handed out) recently?

(, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 10:29)
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This question is now closed.

sage words...
"Dogs can't look up."
(, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 15:02, Reply)
They Promised Me a Free 360!
All I had to do was make a funny on what would happen if I said yes to everything!

And then they took my dreams and SMASHED them against the cruel rocks of reality!!

*sniff*... I worked hard on that, too!

(thatblokeoverthere - ta!)
(, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 14:34, Reply)
Devil In Tights...
...sadly my experience of the recruitment industry indicates that the only way to make any real money is to be born a boorish, shallow, insincere, greedy, duplicitous, amoral, management-speak spouting tithead - respectable intellect preferred but not essential. Exceptions exist, but there are very few of them.

So in the end, there's more pride to be had in failing to succeed in recruitment than actually succeeding. Take heart in the fact that you're worth knowing and get the fuck out of there.

/not useless advice
(, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 14:08, Reply)
I used to own an advertising agency,
and this one time an employee suggested using b3ta to get ideas for an advertising campaign for a large customer.
(, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 13:58, Reply)
my mother, the sage
When all the kids laughed at me at school because I looked like I bought my clothes at random from a charity shop (in fact, it was my mother who bought them), she told me:

"They're just jealous because you look different."

That's right, and they were presumably jealous of the boy who drooled and gibbered on his own until he was taken to a special school. He was different, too.
(, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 13:55, Reply)
my friend's mother
when she was being teased/bullied by a boy at school at the age of 15 suggested that she say to him:

"hobble de hoy, neither man nor boy."

WTF?? fortunately she had the good sense not to take this advice...
(, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 13:51, Reply)
He who Smelt it Dealt it!
Bollocks! If you fart you're not going to suddenly hold your nose, it's your fart, you the only one with immunity.
The pleasure is in watching other people sufforcating on your noxious fumes.
Don't give them a warning!
(, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 13:14, Reply)
Clapper, you must work for the EA
We get treated like retards, HAVE to hold the handrail, and are certainly not allowed sharp pointed objects...

And then one of them 'up high' fucks her arm up on a horse. We're not the ones who have 6 months off and write the H&S policy.
(, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 13:08, Reply)
"Go Fuck Yourself"
is actually, probably incredibly useful advice, if only i could figure out how.

please touch me.....
(, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 13:07, Reply)
my mate was told
"The Dreamcast will wipe the PS2 off the market......"
(, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 13:06, Reply)
health and safety at work
Our latest 'big campaign' is this. At the top and bottom of each and every flight of stairs is a notice saying 'YOU MUST HOLD THE BANISTER WHILST GOING UP AND DOWN THE STAIRS' This is becuase 7 people last year had time off work as they fell down the stairs.

Recently someone told me off because I wasn't holding onto a banister (WTF?? DO these poeple not have real jobs???. I laughed at them and skipped jauntily off up the stairs

Personally I think time would be better spent employing people with a modicum of spatial awareness and gettign some reasonable H&S people in who are capable of accepting that accidents happen- that is why they are called accidents.

I despair. We're not allowed toasters as they are too risky.
(, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 12:45, Reply)
Serving suggestions
I saw a pack of frozen chopped onions a while ago. On the front was a picture of a bowl of chopped onion bits with of course the obligatory "serving suggestion" next to it. Who on earth would really serve up a slap up feast with a bowl of thawed out onion bits as one of the courses? No doubt one of you lot, somewhere.....
(, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 12:42, Reply)
They Promised Me Cash!!
"Recruitment Consultancy is a challenging, rewarding career in which you (yes, YOU) can go far!"

The biggest pile of fetid, steaming, putrid shit of lies I have ever, EVER believed.


That is all.
(, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 12:35, Reply)
Legless re: your missus...
I used to work as head of medical staffing in a hospital up until very recently and (assuming you're somewhere in Europe) does your missus know that there is no WAY she or any other "doctor in training" (!) is meant to be working over 56 hours per week as it's in breach of the EWTD? Her hospital could be fined £5,000 per day for such a breach. Never mind what it must be doing to her.

I take my hat off to her though qualifying as an Orthopod - any woman who can stick out that macho, posturing, tailfanning culture must be pretty cool.

Apologies for dullness. Moving back on topic - useless advice:

Work for the NHS. It's a positive, rewarding job for life.

Which is why I'm now redundant, following 12 weeks off with work-related stress. Cheers, then.
(, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 12:11, Reply)
Anti-Terror Posters On The Tube
Have you seen those new anti-bomb/terror/spak posters on the tube advising that in an emergency when calling for assistance:

"You get better signal on your mobile phone outside the station"

Really? Oooooooh, so thats why you never hear a phone ring on the tube... silly me!

Will try and find a picture
(, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 12:02, Reply)
I can't be the only one.....
.....Things that say "This is not microwavable" or "This is not edible" or "Do not attempt to drive this big mo-fo down a hill really really fast" always seem like a challenge, to be dis/proven, rather than useless advice
(, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 12:01, Reply)
Just found a good one
"Warning! This product is fitted with a security device which is NOT MICROWAVABLE"

On the package for a printer cartridge.
(, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 11:49, Reply)
Frugal advice
"There once was a man called Dave,
who kept a dead whore in a cave.
She was missing one tit,
and smelt quite a bit,
but think of the money he saved!".
(, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 11:48, Reply)
I have grown up with an Aga, so making a pasta snack in my girlfriend's microwave was a new experience for me.

"Just put it in and don't stare at it"

Sound advice.
(, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 11:11, Reply)
al-Qaeda operatives

Although not many people know it, the crusader and the Jew are merely the puppets of a third group: a nameless, secret cabal whose only goal is the humiliation and finally the destruction of the Moslem world.

This cabal, I have established after much research, is based in Britain, and centred around one man.

Destroy that one man, and the entire edifice collapses.

oh, go on.
(, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 11:03, Reply)
Cat Stevens

a bit late, but I bet you wish you'd gone with Buddhism hey?
(, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 10:57, Reply)
Shane MacGowan

An excellent point: who the fuck are they to tell you you've had enough? Fuckin.
(, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 10:47, Reply)
And while I'm on the subject...
...when you need to use sandpaper, fold the sheet in half (rough side in) then tear it in half, then, fold each half in thirds. This gives you a useful sized piece which will fit in your hand. To avoid digging it under splinters, tuck the edges up between your index finger/thumb and ring finger/little finger.

Hey, this is years of wisdom here! I've got more, honest, no, don't go away....
(, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 10:45, Reply)
Just remembered....
...learnt this one at furniture college, but is universal really:

"Measure twice,
Cut once"
(, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 10:35, Reply)
Wisdom of the Elderly
I was having tea with a friend and her Nan who I generally regarded as very prim and proper. At the tender age of thirteen I had my first boyfriend and was chattering away about how wonderful he was.
Her Nan looked at me seriously and said 'Don't have children too early' Sound advice admittedly.
What came next was more of a shock
'You know if i'd have known about buggery when I got married i'm not sure i'd ever have had any - maybe you should try that instead of sex'.
The silence in the room was deafening.
(, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 10:26, Reply)
George Galloway

Don't worry about getting into trouble for your next bit of self-aggrandising con artistry. We're pretty much locked in to supporting you now, so you can do what you like.
(, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 10:23, Reply)
Eskimos have more than 300 words for Cliche

(, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 10:16, Reply)

When anyone mentions Christmas, be sure and chime in with "Christmas was originally a pagan festival actually." This is the single most astonishing piece of information in the world, and nobody knows it but you.
(, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 10:09, Reply)
want to appear clever?

simply wait for me to mention that my favourite film is Titanic. Then you can laugh at me. It's particularly effective if you haven't seen it, and doesn't make you appear like a vapid, posturing puppet instinctively knocking anything 'mainstream'.
(, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 9:29, Reply)
ladies, when you have sex with me

and then leave next morning, never to contact me again, be sure and mention that you 'had a good time last night'. That makes it all better.
(, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 9:22, Reply)

This question is now closed.

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