Hmm
On a packet of peanuts: Warning, may contain traces of nut.


On the subject of advice: My mum was particularly fond of reminding me to change my underwear in case I get run over. I've always thought that if I get hit by a car then

a) The state of my underwear would be the least of my worries, and
b) It would likely be dirty anyway, either as a result of me shitting myself or getting blood all over it.
(Ok, I'll get me coat, Tue 24 Oct 2006, 19:58, Reply)

High speed thievery
I was once in a car driving down a dual carriageway in darkest Wales (on the way to lovely Holyhead) when I spotted a road sign by the side of said dual carriageway that said in giant flourescent letters 'BEWARE PICK POCKETS'.

Just how fucking fast can pick pockets run these days? We locked the doors anyway.

Oh, and I was advised to do a shitty GNVQ as well. Wasn't that a brilliant idea.

No? No.
(axlette, Tue 24 Oct 2006, 19:58, Reply)

at my local train station:


I don't know whether to punctuate it or just write "No shit" underneath.
( litzigig, Tue 24 Oct 2006, 19:44, Reply)

from my mum
My mum used to work for the Admiralty, inspecting, erm, explosives or something. Not sure what.

Anyway, her favorite thing was the instructions on how to bail out of an aircraft.

There was a 10 point checklist in the cockpit that you'd go through to bail out. The check list was attached to the canopy.

Point one was 'EJECT CANOPY'

Jesus...
(inflateable, Tue 24 Oct 2006, 17:53, Reply)

terrible advice...
on the A55 going in to chester... 2 MAHOOSIVE tyre-track skids veering off the road, directly under a Check Your Brakes sign. Some people take advice very seriously.
(oscillating ocelot, Tue 24 Oct 2006, 17:03, Reply)

My old Dad...
...always says that if you can fart, you need a poo.

Remarkably sage advice from a man who goes into the street to break wind.
(misteroz, Tue 24 Oct 2006, 17:01, Reply)

Asked dad what that filum "Species" was like.
"That's the one with the bird, innit."

Textbook dad, fucking textbook.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Tue 24 Oct 2006, 16:46, Reply)

With the Jehova thing.
I really want to know that God first name was Jehova. I always did find it awkward to masterbate within His company and not know the name of the perv.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Tue 24 Oct 2006, 16:43, Reply)

Nearly forgot, one from Mum
"Let a smile be your umbrella"

Translation: You'll get wet anyway and people will get out of the way of a soaking wet stranger grinning like a loon.
(paxvobiscum, Tue 24 Oct 2006, 16:18, Reply)

Since destrasinistra has brought up the topic below
I'll dig up an old piece of useless advice from another QOTW.

Ever tried to advise the Scottish that their Banknotes are not legal tender in England and Wales? It's useless to attempt to do so...

*ducks and runs*
(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Tue 24 Oct 2006, 16:07, Reply)

Baby on board
I don't know if this counts as advice, but seeing as everyone is going on about car or traffic related stuff, I thought I would chip in.

Why do certain people feel the need to warn other drivers that they have a 'baby on board'? Do they seriously think that if that sign wasn't there, people would come ploughing in from behind?

Let's assume they are just very proud to have babies. What exactly is there to be proud about? Do they seriously think they are the only animals on this planet capable of spawning offspring? Jesus.
(destrasinistra, Tue 24 Oct 2006, 15:59, Reply)

Cairns, Australia...


Yeah, that'll stop 'em...
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Tue 24 Oct 2006, 15:51, Reply)

Warning! Fog!
It's to help blind drivers know what the weather is like...... ;)
(stonersmurf stuckin' foned, Tue 24 Oct 2006, 15:48, Reply)

Usless advise?
Putting Parental Advisory on a book made by teh B3TA's

Pfft.. Who'd have thought, rude words in a B3ta 'sick joke' book...

And the reason (so I have been told) about moterways saying it is foggy (even when it is not)?

So they can turn the speed camers on... not allowed otherwise...
( weekendsession, Tue 24 Oct 2006, 15:27, Reply)

Three rules for life
Never play cards with a man called Doc

Never eat at a place called 'Mom's

Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.
(paxvobiscum, Tue 24 Oct 2006, 15:22, Reply)

Motorways
Why oh why does the motorway network in this coubtry feel duty bound to inform you that its foggy???
I can see its F***ING foggy!!
(lamagic007, Tue 24 Oct 2006, 15:21, Reply)

Essex gillllllls....
Thankfully I've managed to forget most of the retarded shit this women said, but I recall her advising us to always fill up your petrol tank, because if you dont and only fill it up a 1/4 or a half, it will waste petrol faster.

She was deadly serious.
(lamagic007, Tue 24 Oct 2006, 15:19, Reply)

British Motorways
Have helpful signs that say things like:
NORTH
EAST
SOUTH

and my own personal favourite:
WEST

If you need signs like that, you probably haven't got a clue where you're going and yer buggered anyway.
(Squash, Tue 24 Oct 2006, 15:15, Reply)

Medical expert
This was in Paris on a field trip (many many years ago). We were walking through a fairly built up area, when we heard this rushing noise followed by a *thwack*.

A bloke had thrown himself off one of the buildings behind us, and was in pieces across the street. The rest seemed to pass in a blur as the ambulance came and scraped him off the floor.

It was a few hours later that it dawned on me what my mate next to me had said as it happened:

"I think he might need a doctor..."
(hadeslady, Tue 24 Oct 2006, 15:09, Reply)

'Mature' students, pah!
A few years ago, my uncle went back to uni as a mature student, and, for some bizarre reason, took philosophy. First class of the term the lecturer asks 'Can anybody give me an example of a universal truth?'. My uncle, being a smartarse, calls out 'Yeah, if you pick it, it won't get better!'.
(Elizabeth Duke at Argos, Tue 24 Oct 2006, 15:08, Reply)

Helpful road signs
My favourate road signs are the dot matrix jobs on t'M8 going into Glasgow. They're usually spouting helpful sloans like "drive carefully" "keep your distance" and "check your fuel". I almost went into the back of a slowing car whilst reading the "keep your distance" one, real helpfull.
(Spiked_Rycroft The Prodigal Son, Tue 24 Oct 2006, 14:24, Reply)

The best advice
You know when you start a new job and they give you all that Health and Safety advice telling you how to sit and how to type etc?

They KNOW that you're not going to sit like the man in the picture with all your limbs at right angles (because it's agonisingly uncomfortable). No, you're going to slouch at your desk anyway and get RSI / carpal tunnel / lumbago / curvature of the spine etc.

But you won't be able to sue them when you're a cripple because they told you not to do it. Cheers!
(frankspencer, Tue 24 Oct 2006, 13:31, Reply)

maybe not even advice, but i want to put it somewhere.
'all's fair in love and war'

well howcome you can't shoot medics? eh?

...me and a friend had a lengthy, drunk, discussion about this. to such a degree we even made a small (5 seconds) techno track about it.
(Pavlov'sDog is all out of pavlova, Tue 24 Oct 2006, 13:23, Reply)

Please Drive Carefully
Thanks for the advice, I was thinking of driving recklessly, and putting my car on it's roof, in the bottom of a quarry. You made me see the light with that little gem.
( the wild elk Freeing excellence affects reality, Tue 24 Oct 2006, 13:22, Reply)

Another variation on 'Cheer up!'
is 'Cheer up! You look as if you've been to a funeral!

Which was fun to reply to with 'Yes, I've just come from my baby nephew's funeral.' Which I had.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Tue 24 Oct 2006, 13:14, Reply)

ATM machine
Have u noticed that whenever u withdraw cash from a Barclays Bank ATM machine it says: "Would you like an advice slip?"

Which will say what exactly?

"We advise you stop taking out money"

...Gets me every time... :)
(Shelob, Tue 24 Oct 2006, 13:13, Reply)

Jehova's Witnesses
If one comes to the door, and you tell them you are a Catholic, they will run away screaming.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Tue 24 Oct 2006, 13:12, Reply)

Dear old Ma (RIP) again
Don't trust men with facial hair, especially beards, they are hiding something - probably a weak chin.
I have no idea what that means.
Horses can tell if you are pregnant. Luckily, living in Moseley this was less of an issue than it sounds.
Betamax sounds much more trustworthy than VHS.
You can dissolve a cow in a glass of Coke.

And one from my old Da, if you find a stray dog, phone the RAC.
(Siouxfan I'm not staring at you, I am just short sighted, Tue 24 Oct 2006, 12:27, Reply)