Some weird American bloke with a big nose & funny hair told me this:
Look out kid
Its somethin you did
God knows when
But youre doin it again
You better duck down the alley way
Lookin for a new friend
The man in the coon-skin cap
In the pig pen
Wants eleven dollar bills
You only got ten

Look out kid
Dont matter what you did
Walk on your tip toes
Dont try no doz
Better stay away from those
That carry around a fire hose
Keep a clean nose
Watch the plain clothes
You dont need a weather man
To know which way the wind blows

Get sick, get well
Hang around a ink well
Ring bell, hard to tell
If anything is goin to sell
Try hard, get barred
Get back, write braille
Get jailed, jump bail
Join the army, if you fail

Look out kid
Youre gonna get hit
But losers, cheaters
Six-time users
Hang around the theaters
Girl by the whirlpool
Lookin for a new fool
Dont follow leaders
Watch the parkin meters

Ah get born, keep warm
Short pants, romance, learn to dance
Get dressed, get blessed
Try to be a success
Please her, please him, buy gifts
Dont steal, dont lift
Twenty years of schoolin
And they put you on the day shift
Look out kid
They keep it all hid
Better jump down a manhole
Light yourself a candle
Dont wear sandals
Try to avoid the scandals
Dont wanna be a bum
You better chew gum
The pump dont work
cause the vandals took the handles



And I STILL have to get up in the morning.
( Sea Tramp the thinking woman's 8 Ace, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 11:57, Reply)

Bruce....
Bloke I knew called Bruce once gave some great advice. I met him in a pub abd he had a black eye, broken nose and split lips. A proper mess.

"Bloody hell mate - what happened to you?" I says

"I was talking when I should have been listening...."

Sound advice kiddies.
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 11:57, Reply)

My mother-in-law
When we moved house, my mother-in-law told me the best way to help our cats to find their way home in unfamiliar surroundings, is to put butter on their paws. Eh??? Apparently they can smell the buttery scent of the trail they have left behind. I say utter bollocks.
(urgle-splurgle molesting small goats since, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 11:56, Reply)

"Just be yourself"
Has there ever been a more useless, empty platitude piece of advice as "Just be yourself"?

As a pointless default response it can be applied to anybody who craves advice in their hour of need, but you don't know or care what they should actually do:

"How do I get a girlfriend?" - Just be yourself

"How can I pass this interview?" - Just be yourself

"What can I do to make friends?" - Just be yourself

Lets face it, if people hate you and you cant get laid, "being yourself" is probably what you have been doing wrong.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 11:54, Reply)

Sage Advice..
Work hard.
Don't drink.
Don't smoke.
Don't go with women with loose morals.
Don't eat sweets, don't eat red meat or fatty foods.
Go too bed early, get up early.
Don't watch TV - it rots the brain.
Go to church every day and twice on Sundays.

Do all this and it won't make you live for ever but, by Christ, it'll feel like it....

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 11:53, Reply)

Someone
Told me to post how im gay/ about my depression / how im dying on an internet forum.
(steh30, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 11:51, Reply)

Work hard.

Also, words to the effect of: "Everything you do - don't do that. Everything you don't do - do that."

FACK AAAAAAAAAAFF!
( Sea Tramp the thinking woman's 8 Ace, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 11:48, Reply)

Cracker from my dearly departed gran
When at the dinner table and I'm on helping number 7...

"Enough's as good as a feast"

No it's bleedin not! - this is free food goddamit. And I might not get to eat again until tomorrow. And if enough is as good as a feast, why are you so rotund/

Suppose it was a hark back to the war....
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 11:46, Reply)

Useless Advice
I get it all the time.

"You really shouldn't smoke you know. It's bad for you." I know it is, and I don't smoke.

From phonecalls...

"You should install double glazing." No, because you've called a business line and this is a listed property.

And also at work...

"You [meaning the company] should make that lovely train calendar like you did last year." Nobody bought it last year. At all. We pulped the whole lot.

And while driving...

"You should slow down, son." Actually, that was probably very good advice, and I did.
(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 11:45, Reply)

Beware the Minge....
.
That was the advice given to me by a doddery old Scotsman.

"Beware the minge laddy, beware the minge. 'Cos once it gets a grip of ye, ye'll be it's slave for life."

I was 13 and didn't have a clue what he was on about. But he turned out to be right.

9 months of my life trying to get out of one and pretty much the rest of my life trying to get back in.

Just a slave to love.....

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 11:45, Reply)

Wah!
A bloke I wish I knew called Jack Handey (who deserves more accolades and fame than he got) once offered these sage words:

If you're ever on fire, I think it's best not to look in a mirror, because that will really get you in a panic.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 11:43, Reply)

my nana's advice is similar to hanabanana
... except if I don't want the kiss, I have to, "Kick him where his mother wouldn't kiss him!"

Where, his armpit?

She also is quite in favour of me picking up blokes from the pub, as long as I "make sure he's a doctor and has a BMW."

My parents also think her advice is useless.
They'd prefer he drove a Porsche.
(Celerydemon, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 11:43, Reply)

Don't worry what others think of you ...
(Please click "I like this.")
(frankspencer, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 11:40, Reply)

And I use/abuse them both..
Don't eat yellow snow.

Not very pratical but a good one.

One that no-one that I know actually takes any notice of is "Don't drink too muuch, you'll only regret it in the morning".

Meh.
(CdrVimes, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 11:37, Reply)

mother again
"When you ask directions from a person in the street, always ask another person in case the first one was lying."

And if the second one was lying too??
(frankspencer, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 11:36, Reply)

Never
insert your genitals into something you're not 100% sure they'll come out of.

this applies to people as well as domestic appliances.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 11:30, Reply)

My mum...
Don't leave your drink unattended at parties.
(I'm a guy and at the time i was like 15 and did not really go drinking at parties)
(woo who?, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 11:27, Reply)

Plenty More Fish in the Sea
Yeah, mum, but I don't want to fuck a fish.
(frankspencer, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 11:25, Reply)

packet of airline peanuts
looking on the back of the packet, it read:
"warning: may contain nuts"

thank god they told me, i was gonna eat them as well, the most useless as far
(BigStraightAl, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 11:22, Reply)

To all the teachers and careers advisors
who strongly advised me to do A-levels and go to university when all I wanted to do was become a diver, I would just like to say "thanks a bunch you cunts, i'm now a sodding accountant and hating it".

Just to pour salt on the wound, one of my clients is a professional diver, he earns a fortune working all over the world and because he 'technically' spends more than 6 months at sea he DOESN'T PAY ANY INCOME TAX.

"Oh, but if you get a degree you'll be in the top 5% blah blah blah"
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 11:19, Reply)

Don't
put your knob in a light bulb socket and switch it on
(BigStraightAl, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 11:17, Reply)

you know it's true
"Just be yourself."
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 11:15, Reply)

Hmm.
How about the staff at Wakefield Westgate railway station who, when I asked what to do with my rubbish now that they've removed all the litter bins, told me to "throw it on the tracks".

Come to think of it, I remember yelling at a woman at that same station for opening a gate and walking ACROSS THE TRACKS to get to the other platform, PUSHING HER BABY IN A PRAM. She said that the staff had told her to do it when she asked if there was another way across other than the footbridge. So a baby's life risked because she couldn't be arsed carrying a pram up stairs...or perhaps because the staff were too lazy to help her.

Avoid Wakefield Westgate station is the moral, I guess.
(Musuko, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 11:12, Reply)

My nan
The best piece of advice I ever had was from my nan, who sat me down when I was 15 and imparted these words of wisdom:

"If a man kisses you and you want him to, that's fine. But if you don't want him to, make sure you give him a slap."

Thanks nan.
( hanabanana, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 11:09, Reply)

Don't
...oh. Never mind. Here's some useless advice though. Never stand directly behind a horse.
(sabre-tooth monkey, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 11:05, Reply)

Don't
try and get first if you type slowly like a muppet
(stuwads, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 11:02, Reply)

don't ever ever
let people beat you to being first on the - DAMMIT!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 10:57, Reply)

First
Although I don't give out useless advice, most of the advice I do give out is incredibly unhelpful.
(Danzo, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 10:55, Reply)