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This is a question Useless advice

As a new parent, people seem to think it's OK to pass on any and every old wives tale possible. "Don't hug him too much". What? Quite what possesses people to pass on baseless, idiotic, useless advice I don't know.

That said, I quite often give car drivers directions and then, after they've moved off, realise that I've sent them down a bike-only route, so I can give as good as I get.

What useless advice have you been given (or handed out) recently?

(, Thu 19 Oct 2006, 10:29)
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This question is now closed.

men, while it may be tempting

to wear a top hat, monocle and no pants, and claim to be the Disney-themed porn star Splooge McFuck, the police will generally take exception.
(, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 9:19, Reply)
A rhyme my Dad used to say to me...
"Don't let your doodle,
dangle in the dirt,
if you have a piece of string
tie it to your shirt!"

Of course! Why didn't I think of this before?
I can't remember the amount of times I haven't
had any pants on, and my incredibly large penis
was dragged along the ground!
(, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 7:20, Reply)
enjoy meeting people and socialising?

why not become homeless?
(, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 5:48, Reply)
on the back of a bus ticket:
"enjoy meeting people and socialising? why not become a bus driver?"

Yeah, you get to meet people and ask them if they have anything less than a fiver, great.
(, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 3:55, Reply)
if you design an amusing sticker

which says "socialists do it collectively", don't try and sell it to Tommy Sheridan.
(, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 2:43, Reply)
never bring Quentin Crisp

to an arse-kicking contest. Or if you do, make sure you enunciate very clearly when you tell him what it is.
(, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 2:40, Reply)
The idiot anesthetist
who told my patient, "This lumbar puncture won't hurt a bit-it's perfectly safe!". He stuck a big fcuk off needle in her back, she screamed and leapt, thereby dislocating my shoulder and tearing the rotator cuff. Safe for who, dipwad?

I got: workman's compensation for 14 months (woo yay), an operation, a temporarily screwed up bladder from the morons who did the op, a 3x6x2 cm piece of bone in a jar-the part of my shoulder they had to amputate because it was destroyed and no apology whatsoever.

He got: nothing. No caution, no reprimand, no write up in his record, nothin'. Another example of the immense respect doctors have for nurses.
(, Thu 26 Oct 2006, 1:06, Reply)
Vocational Guidance Counsellor
When I was 16 the school guidance counsellor talked me out of embarking on a career path as a psychiatric nurse. I'm now entering data on psychiatric nurses' salaries, which are $20,000.00 per year higher than mine, and I realise I could have been working for the govmint in the decades since graduation instead of perpetually trying to find work with my bachelor's degree in Fine Arts. Meh.

My own fault really - should've never listened to a fellow named Mr. Strange*, even though he did look dapper and authoritative in his little suit and bow tie.

* Actual name.
(, Wed 25 Oct 2006, 23:34, Reply)
I like this!
(, Wed 25 Oct 2006, 21:50, Reply)
Not so useless
If you are going to stop off for an illicit sordid shag on your way home to your supposed partner...
Take your mobile out of your pocket or at least lock the keypad!!
(, Wed 25 Oct 2006, 21:05, Reply)
What War?

Did somebody have a war and not invite me? Bugger....


Never enter an arse-kicking contest with a porcupine.
(, Wed 25 Oct 2006, 19:32, Reply)
if you want to work the Iraq war into a conversation

start debating how much study it takes for British medical students to qualify. You'll soon find that people's objections to you talking about the war disappear.
(, Wed 25 Oct 2006, 18:58, Reply)
Don't Study Medicine
Good advice that.

Mrs Legless is a butcher. A bone doctor. Her real title is Senior Orthopaedic Registrar.

So far she's been studying for 14 years. Two degrees, one in medicine, one in surgery. She's currently in her second year of specialist training. Another two years to go and is she qualified then? That would be no. After that she's got a further year's Fellowship to do which must be out of the country. Then she's qualified and is allowed to call herself "Miss". Surgeons aren't called "doctor" they're Mr or Miss (or Ms or Mizz or Mrs...)

While I'm on I may as well mention that she currently works an average of 100 hours a week. Is on-call 4 nights out of 7. When she does get time off she's expected to attend what's called "Bone School" once a fortnight (Friday afternoon and Saturday - unpaid) and can be fired if she misses any without a *really* good excuse.

So honestly kiddies - don't try to be a surgeon.

(, Wed 25 Oct 2006, 18:46, Reply)
if you're a man, and you're going to to be a porn star

call yourself Ted October. Then you can star in 'The Cunt For Ted October', and hilarity will ensue.
(, Wed 25 Oct 2006, 18:20, Reply)
Medical school
I didn't intend to get into a debate about the amount of time spent at medical school. Obviously, I hadn't done my research. The point is, he was a doctor, a practising doctor...
(, Wed 25 Oct 2006, 18:08, Reply)
All I need...
My dad's a corker for statin' the bleedin' hobvious!

When stating I would like to work for myself in the future when I've got a bit of cash in the bank, my dad advised that I should indeed work for myself. Great so far. Good idea, albeit mine.

I'm a techy by trade, so I said whatever I end up doing would probably be web-based, but it was hard to spot a new service to provide, or an existing service to do better or cheaper. When I do spot it, I'll grab the chance and set something up.

Dad: "What you need is an idea."

Cheers Dad. Thanks for that. Sorted.
(, Wed 25 Oct 2006, 17:50, Reply)
I found a mop in the garage that had printed upon it "do not use near overhead power lines"

(, Wed 25 Oct 2006, 17:28, Reply)
hmm, that's weird
all of my mates who are either doing medicine, or have qualified are on (were on) 5 year courses, including placements in hospitals, there then follows a (minimum one year) junior rotation, but they are qualified after 5 years.
(, Wed 25 Oct 2006, 16:52, Reply)
Me nan's doc...
...said her back pains would only get worse unless she took 2 of these tabs a day.

That cunt Shipman...
(, Wed 25 Oct 2006, 16:48, Reply)
a fatally flawed German proverb

"never trust a man with a mustache...unless it's a weird, tiny square one that's only in the middle."
(, Wed 25 Oct 2006, 16:48, Reply)
my ex manager
She once said she thought I should try to be more like her and use her as a role model..
I couldn't quite manage being a pubic haired, shallow, flake with a superiority complex though.
(, Wed 25 Oct 2006, 16:12, Reply)
unlike the one who botched your lobotomy?

7 years of med school is pretty standard and includes delights such as placements at various hospitals
(, Wed 25 Oct 2006, 15:44, Reply)
7 years of medschool? i'd find a doctor who isn't retarded if i was you
(, Wed 25 Oct 2006, 15:40, Reply)
Sore shins
A couple of years back the doc advised me to do a bit more exercise and lose a few pounds (well a few stone, meh).

I went running a few times but developed severe pains in my shins and lower legs. Rather concerned about this I visited the doctor again and told her of my plight. Without even examining me she figured out what the problem was and gave me some valuable advice. "Don't go running then"

Thanks doc, very helpful.

Turned out to be chronic shin splints & fallen arches (courtesy of HM Forces dontchaknow) and required expensive visits to a physiotherapist to resolve.
(, Wed 25 Oct 2006, 14:46, Reply)
watch this video on YouTube, it's hilarious.

No, it's not.
(, Wed 25 Oct 2006, 14:43, Reply)
my dad told me dogs are not a good conductor of electricity he lied there bloody great especially when you run out of a fuse. He also told me if i stroked his one eyed snake my wishes would come true but all i ever got was a face full of mayonnaise. moral of the story do not believe your dad
(, Wed 25 Oct 2006, 14:04, Reply)
cuntish advice
Some bastard walked up to me today and said, "Click I like this on this post and you'll get a blowjob from your hearts desire" I promptly told him to fuck off and gave him a fist in the face.
(, Wed 25 Oct 2006, 13:48, Reply)
A couple of years back, I foolishly put in for running the London Marathon. Unfortunately, with about five weeks to go, I developed a knee injury during training. I still wanted to do it, as I'd been training for months and had raised some money for charity. I was, however, a little worried about any permanent damage so went to the doctor to seek some advice.

"Well, if your knee gives way, you won't be able to finish it will you?" says doc.

Five years of medical school for these pearls of wisdom.
(, Wed 25 Oct 2006, 13:40, Reply)
It was pouring with rain yonder in street....
.... so I put on my coat before I went outside. My mum suddenly shreeks

"But if someone tries to mug you, they can hold on to your coat and hit you repeatedly!"

My mum watches waaaaaaay too many Bruce Willis films.

Length, girth etc & *pop*
(, Wed 25 Oct 2006, 13:05, Reply)
Windows error messages
"Printer not recognised", "You cannot delete this file", "Installation failed", "Windows will now shut down, and that document you have been working on for three hours will not be saved, ner ner ne-ner ner" etc. etc. Fair enough, computer glitches happen, but why is the only option when these messages appear a smug-looking "OK" in the middle of the box? Why can't we have two buttons, one for OK and one labelled "well actually, it really isn't OK at all, but I guess I can't do much about it" or words to that effect?

Also, if something fails the first time, is there one single documented case of the "retry" option working (except when refreshing expired Web pages)?
(, Wed 25 Oct 2006, 12:50, Reply)

This question is now closed.

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