Such vivid memories
1. This one time I got bored of the Just Fucking White colour of my bedroom walls, so I fed my girlfriend nothing but beetroot for a week then bounced her on my knees (recent winners of the Brighton Knobbly Knee Gold Medal), sending intense waves of G-spot stimulation through her until she started doing a liquid sex guff. Quick as a flash I steered her around the room, using her flailing arms to aim her like a Twatling Gun, until all four points of the compass were a warm and modern Summer Fuschia.

2. The first time I went to a gay sauna I met a bloke who apologised in advance for having a very thin dick, “almost like a needle”, so I told him it was probably just as well as I’d never done this before. He then fished out some sort of little rotating sex toy and used it to distend my nether regions, before mounting me and gyrating his hips in a circular motion while humming. It was at this point that I realised his dick WAS a needle and that he was using me to play ‘Dambusters’ on the miniature arse gramophone.

3. Once, in a club, I met this Scottish girl who looked a bit like how my sister would probably look if I had a sister, so I inveigled my way into her student flat thanks to lager tops and the following morning bought two cinnamon whirls from the local bakery, clapping them over her ears as I did her doggy-style and getting her to call me “Luke”. My name’s not Luke.
( .Yeti., Thu 23 Aug 2012, 15:46, 16 replies)

:D
If this don't win there's no justice.
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Thu 23 Aug 2012, 15:48, closed)

Fuck yes, more like this.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 23 Aug 2012, 15:51, closed)

Just spat tea over my laptop
Reading the second one at work has proven to be a mistake. One question to help determine the veracity of your claims - was it a 45 or 33?
(CharminglyShallow incarcerated for a crime he probably did commit., Thu 23 Aug 2012, 15:51, closed)

He claimed it was a 33.
Felt more like a 45 to me.
( .Yeti., Thu 23 Aug 2012, 15:57, closed)

wins everything for "Twatling Gun"

( HappyToast Groat froth, Thu 23 Aug 2012, 16:19, closed)

came here to say this ^

(tyrellsOwl, Thu 23 Aug 2012, 16:20, closed)

Liquid sex
guff.

Oh my god.
(username failed moderation, Thu 23 Aug 2012, 17:13, closed)

i can't see this post :(

(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 23 Aug 2012, 17:15, closed)

Yeah right

(bogus official shove it up your cunt, Thu 23 Aug 2012, 17:23, closed)

If this doesn't win then I'm going to kill everybody on the planet.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 23 Aug 2012, 18:09, closed)

"minature arse gramophone "
SofaROFL

Winner!
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 23 Aug 2012, 19:20, closed)

This is worth two replies.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 23 Aug 2012, 19:21, closed)

Hahahahaha!
Best thing I have read for ages.
( Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver I have very beautiful lips, Thu 23 Aug 2012, 20:17, closed)

Hahaha

( Jahled Three shades of black, Fri 24 Aug 2012, 16:33, closed)

You daft bastard.

(SigourneysBeaver took off and nuked the entire site from orbit on, Fri 24 Aug 2012, 19:33, closed)

Everyone else may as well give up now.
Aint nuffin gonna top this.
( TFD is sporting this season's finest necropants, Sun 26 Aug 2012, 17:36, closed)