Start as you mean to go on?
Weddings, eh? I married my beloved on the island of Cyprus in 1977. I was a squaddie in those days, while my beloved came from a fairly sheltered background where exposure to squaddies is slightly limited. We decided to get married in Cyprus to avoid all the wedding-hassle, especially having to invite all her gormless relatives who might drink the bathwater or throw up in the bidet.

Anyway, the wedding went fine, we then adjourned to the 'Bitsa' club for the reception, then round to a mates house for an all night booze up. I parked my bride with the boring old wankers while I made for the kitchen where the heavy-duty drinking always happens. We decided to move to 'Language-State-Red', played a few games of 'Buzz', a little 'Spoof', the well-known 'Cardinal Puff', then burst into 'Father Abraham'. All you tossers out there who have failed to enlist in the service of the Queen (Gawd Bless 'Er) won't have a clue what I'm on about, but let me assure you it was a stellar piss up.

Every so often some-one would remind me that my bride of a few hours was still gamely smiling at the crumblies and wondering out loud where the fuck her partner was, but I was still climbing 'Sunshine Mountain', and so couldn't retire until everyone was standing on a table bellowing 'Youuuuu and Iiiiiii, Youuuuuuu and Iiiiiiiiii ad infinitum. She finally came to get me just as Paddy and I were performing 'Dance of the Flaming Arseholes'.

On dragging me outside into the fresh air for what I remained of our honeymoon night I promptly fell over a garden wall then refused to get up again, singing some song about the Magic Pixie while pissing 2 quarts of lager straight up into the air. My beloved had to go back to the party to enlist the aid of a couple of mates to drag me out of the hedge and cart me off to Paddy's house where we were staying. The first legal shag of our married life was performed on the floor of Paddy's kitchen, as I had decided I had the munchies and demanded a meal of pork chop & chips before I would give her one.

And they say romance is dead?

No aplogies for length...cos you know they're gagging for it really!
(Conundrum, Mon 18 Jul 2005, 16:25, Reply)