My mums wedding
a wierd enough event to begin with but then my mums friends started hitting on me
me 20, them 45+

gahhhhhhhhhhhhh
( VampireMonkeyOnSpeed a super sexy sexual sex terrorist sex, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 10:58, Reply)

Gaybo
When the vicar at my friends wedding asked if anyone saw any reason why the couple should not be wed, the groom's drunken brother remarked in a voice loud enough to heard from my seat 5 pews down that he couldn't "cos he's a fucking gaybo".

This is the best qotw ever.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 10:53, Reply)

Just the usual..
..wedding of a family friend. Drank rather a lot of wine and got off with the bride's brother's (recently) ex girlfriend. Having failed to convince the bride's brother to lend us his hotel room for a few hours, I decided it was time to head home. Walked out of the front door of the hotel, sailed straight past the waiting taxi and proceeded to walk the 12 miles home in uncomfortable dress shoes, via the Kebab shop. :-) Had sodding blisters for weeks...
(Hairy_matt, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 10:52, Reply)

"I'll just make up the speech on the spot"
One of my mates decided to have a couple of best men, as is becoming more common.. Nothing unusual there o'course, but neither of them wanted to write a speech, saying that "It would feel more natural to say whatever came into his head."
Wedding was approaching, but dispite much suggesting from friends that this was a BAD idea, neither of them wrote anything..

Wedding came and went without problems, then the speeches started, with us slightly chuckleing to ourselves about how bad it was going to be.
The tone was set when the first one started the speech, in front of all the relatives, grandmothers etc.. "I FUCKING love this guy!" then goes on to just basically say that over and over, but phrasing it slightly differently each time. Manages to say cunt about three times, before getting the bride up and telling her that he "would".

The second best man, mumbles something about "fucking loving this guy" and then sitting down.

Everybody was in shock for a while. Its not often people say cunt in wedding speeches.

Wooo - first post. Go me. Now, commence the lurking!

I used to live with a guy called Lengh. I used to apologise about him. Does that count?
(grr_boy, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 10:46, Reply)

Wedding video horror
I was a the wedding of a good mate from uni. Towards the end of the evening the camera on which the wedding video was being filmed was passed around.

Nobody was caught doing anything daft or so it seemed until it was played back and contained a segment of one mate on the toilet having a crap, waxing lyrical about the guests and ranting after many many beers. The bride was not impressed.
(DrGonzo, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 10:31, Reply)

On my sister's wedding video
During the film of the service, my dad can clearly be seen paying the vicar.
(Glen Moranjie, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 10:19, Reply)

Cake
For no reason what so ever, after getting drunk I decided to repeatedly headbutt my friends wedding cake until there was nothing but a mush of sultanas, icing and marzipan.

I don't like fruitcake.
(Let's all have an asbo, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 10:18, Reply)

Bad timing
Ask me again a week on Sunday, after my wedding. This had better not be some kind of bad omen. There's far too much potential for a lot of stuff like this to happen.
(richey, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 10:05, Reply)

The missing guest
An old school friend got in touch after many years to invite myself and a few other old school friends to his wedding -we all used to hang out together at school. Except that he declined to invite one of our "group". What he didn't realise is that aside from him, the rest of us are still in regular contact, so we were quite miffed by his ommission.

So we printed out a load of masks with the missing friend's face on, and proceeded to wear them throughout the reception. Extra masks were stuck up around the "disco", and some even managed to appear in wedding photos.

Towards the end of the night, one of my friends accused the happy newly-weds of having a "sham marriage", which rounded off the evening quite nicely. Then we went out and made human pyramids in the hotel grounds.
( dr_fonz, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 9:49, Reply)

Groom
I forgot about this one, my sisters wedding. Firstly i was suffering from a nasty chest infection whereby i almost collapsed every time i started coughing, 1/2 bottle of southern comfort did not numb it either.

Anyway i digress. The wedding went well, my dads speech was dire conisiting mostly of "ums" & "errrs" obviously making it up on the spot and failing.
So onto the meal and evening do. My gran got wasted on G&Ts, insulted my mum and pissed the family off. The groom was later taken home early by the bride because he had also got so drunk the bar refused to serve him and he insulted one of the waiters.
she is now divorcing him after less than 2 years.

Brothers wedding next week, and i have to read a poem. oh dear!
(Fishbone-didi, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 9:42, Reply)

Another Fife wedding
Someone mentioned a wedding in Fife. Well, a mate of mine was at a wedding in Lochgelly, which it would be fair to say is not the classiest location in the county. For some reason best known to themselves, the groom's mates got a hold of him at the reception and started throwing him up in the air and catching him. A bit like if it's someone's birthday and you throw them up the required number of times.

Anyway, after who-knows-how-many throws, the assembled company decided as one that it would now be a good idea not to catch the groom on his way down, so he fell from a height of 5 or 6 feet onto a hard wooden floor. He ended up in casualty at the local hospital with concussion and a broken arm.

Don't think he enjoyed his wedding night much.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 9:27, Reply)

Porsche Porn
My mate is a demo driver for Porsche (bastard, eh?) and at his wedding he had a loan of a rather fine 911 turbo, registration number POR 1. He and his new wife were to drive in said motor from the church (in Mid Calder) to the reception (Dunfermline), a good 20-30 minutes involving going over the Forth road bridge etc.

Anyway, I had a bright idea, and with the help of a couple of others at the wedding, one with a penknife and the other (a traffic cop, as it happens!) supplying some black insulating tape, we changed the 1 on the number plate into an N. So all the official photos and video footage had the pair of them driving off in a flash car with PORN written front and back on the number plates. We had thought about getting the aforementioned traffic cop to call his mates and get them to pull the happy couple over, but we thought that was a bit mean.

I'll look out the photo and post it sometime.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 9:22, Reply)

Pikey Wedding
I was invited to the wedding of a member of one of my home town's largest criminal families - as I was very matey with bride's brother.
The bride was 17, the groom 30.
She was obviously knocked up.
He was at least 22 stone.
All went very smoothly until the grooms mates thought they'd help themselves to the wedding cake using their hands, before the happy couple had cut it. The bride's family took umbridge to this, particularly the bride's brother who promptly plunged the cake cutting knife into the best mans stomach. All hell broke loose with chairs, tables, bottles, glasses and cutlery being thrown in a scene reminiscent of a wild west saloon brawl. My most lasting memories of the evening had to be the bride slipping over on the best mans rapidly pooling blood - concussing herself and the brides father lovingly stamping on his new son-in-law's head whilst screaming 'Cunt! Cunt!'
I took French leave of the situation before the plod arrived.
( bigmeuprudeboy is using powerpoint or paint...have MERCY, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 9:13, Reply)

After a family wedding
I was driving my grandmother home & she was a little worse for ware having enjoyed a little too much punch not knowing it had copious amounts of booze in it & not a big drinker herself.

After a couple of miles she asked me to pull over as she felt a little "car sick". She opened the passenger door & delivered a bright purple pavement pizza. After a bit of blank wretching and spitting the last little bits out, she stared down at the contents of her stomach, turned around to me, pointed at the floor & said
"dey look like my teef"
double take
"dey are my teef!"
picked them up & popped them back in.

class runs in the genes obvioulsy
(Baron Greenback Still in Sunny Singapore, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 9:02, Reply)

my lovely brother
lovely bloke, pure evil. though this isn't quite a wedding story...
At a wedding anniversary party, he pulled the jenny cable out. It was a pitch black night in the middle of the country, and he spent some time running around the marquee either stroking the backs of women or pushing blokes into each other. by the time the power came on there were several fights and screaming women.
genius.
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 9:01, Reply)

In Newcastle a few years back
My geordie friend was getting married. When it came to saying the vows he repeated "I know not of any lawful impediment whay aye should not get married" - I sniggered away to myself for ages. I probably still am the only person who thinks it merits mirth.
(Baron Greenback Still in Sunny Singapore, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 8:51, Reply)

I was the worst best man
My gf picked up a "tummy bug" (which involved lots of simultaneous vomiting & diarrhoea, difficulty rating 10/10), mate's wedding was on the Saturday and I was the best man. This same “bug” made itself known to me that very day. Cue me standing at the altar, next to bride & groom, apparently turning every shade from green to pure white. /Just/ before the main stuff happens I run out to the vestry and start throwing up in the sink (the ONLY sink and they had no toilets in the church). I think at this point the guy editing the wedding video muted the sound. They sang an impromptu hymn whilst I was getting cleaned up. I returned and service carried on as usual. I didn't go the reception, but groom's brother read out my speech - even the bit "…my lovely gf sitting next to me…" which now was his gran.
(steeevc, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 8:17, Reply)

Fancy hand basins
Last year I attended the after match function of a mates wedding at a very wanky bar downtown. Entered the toilet with an (equally pissed) fellow wedding attendee, and we both proceeded to take a long, glorious whizz in the terribly post-modern waist height urinal.

Turns out it was the hand basin.

As an angry guy in a black polo neck pointed out.

Twunt.
(charles mingus, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 7:34, Reply)

My own wedding was particularly fabulous....
Didn't know if the in laws were even going to turn up....until they did, with a second wedding cake to match the one we'd had made up in case of non appearance. Cake for all!
Was then approached by the caterer who informed me the (soon to be) inlaws were pilfering bottles of wine from the other tables, and hiding them under their own. Ceremony went well, but I still have video evidence of myself pissed as a newt (do you blame me??!!!) screaming out 'It ain't me...it ain't meeeeeeeeee' in a terribly bad rendition of CCR's 'Fortunate Son'. Plus I said (quite clearly) 'Fuck those cnuts' on the official wedding video.
We're divorced now. Surprised? Neither was I.
Hmmmm.
(charles mingus, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 7:30, Reply)

My Dad
My Dad Rocks! At my cousins wedding, they had two vicars - the regular one at the church and some jumped up methodist or something who dressed not unlike Batman. He had a lovely daughter who was so full of life and was dating my other cousin - at the reception we are all sitting at one table when this vicar comes over, politely interrupts and states to his daughter she is not to dance, as dancing is the work of satan, to which her face dropped. Anyway after the meal, my Dad is a tad pissed, and this vicar decides its time to leave (its only 6pm or something) - my Dad announces to me "You know son, you can't let an arsehole leave without letting him know he is an arsehole" and proceeds to bumble after the vicar.

A little while later he returns, huge grin and this vicar hot-tailing it out of there at high speed. Upon interrogation it seems my Dad asked the vicar of Jesus and the last supper, and proceeded to ask the vicar "did Jesus Fuck off after the grub or stayed for the piss up afterwards".

Hero of the day - and hero to me for so much more.
(Waynster James Joyce is fucking my sister!, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 6:45, Reply)

Nervous? moi?
I was best man to my best mate a few years back up in Lancashire (him and me are both southerners so a bit of a novelty). Anyway my mate who is cool as a cucumber the whole day whilst if anyone is a tad nervous its me. Anyway just before I had to do my best mans speech (which was totally unprepared) I nipped out for a crafty fag, and standing there was the father of the bride and a few other distinguished guests. The Dad Steve, a top bloke and sadly no longer with us, asks if I am nervous about the up and coming speech, to which I replied not verbally but with a 7 second fart of bronx proportions.

The round of applause amongst the small but distinguished smokers was akin to that of an oscar winner.
(Waynster James Joyce is fucking my sister!, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 6:33, Reply)

Snow Leopard!
Fucking hell, Spiders the nightclub in Hull, perchance? Cocktails for £1.15 (Tizers, Pink Pugsleys, etc), sweating walls and fucking weird goths.

I've lived there for a year (I got to the Uni) and fortnightly venture to Spiders, keeping it just a novelty. Still love it, though.
( TGP on the rock 'n' roll, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 3:10, Reply)

Weddings abroad
This one hasn't been covered yet, so here we go. My Dad's second wedding, to his wife who I still don't get on that well with, but we try all the same... anyways.

Let's travel back in time to 1994, when I was 10 years old, much smaller and my Dad didn't have hair on his ears. He'd decided to have his wedding in Cairo, Egypt. First mistake- the bureaucracy there truly is a bitch- he'd left his papers in the consulate, went on a camel trip around Jordan and foolishly assumed they'd be ready by the time they got back. Suffice it to say they weren't. They were eventually sorted with much shouting and not a little baksheesh to some woman with babe in arms (some random? who knows...) who sorted things out on his behalf. The next problem was where the wedding took place- in cities like Sheffield we can get married in Victorian granduer... in Cairo, it looked more like a down-at-heel private eye's office, to use my father's metaphor. It truly was a dump. The third problem was the food. We went out to a restaurant the day before, and the food was needless to say, a little dodgy. Dad spent his wedding night puking his guts up to the sounds of a wedding reception taking place around the pool below, who were having a much better time than we were, as my own tender 10 year old digestive system wasn't in the best of states either. Like father, like son, I guess. Still, to their credit, the marriage is lasting much longer than his previous one.

Bandwagon jumping? Not on your length!
( jim_bob can herd cats., Fri 15 Jul 2005, 2:59, Reply)

I was recently at a wedding of two wonderful people who I hardly knew
but they had great taste in wine so I got wrecked. They had this plush loo which played classical music, but was tiny and got a little intimate if there was more than 2 occupants.

Well, two people were in the loo - so I went to the vacant toilet stall. Which was pleasant enough, except for a HUGE bluebottle buzzing around the place. It stopped for a second, and in a drunken second tried to swat it - with piss. But the bugger moved, and I followed it.

I had a great time, and got the little fly soaked good and proper. When I dropped-kilt and left the stall, I got some weird looks from the people in the loo, and later on, some weird looks from the host.
( gaijintendo Regular Member, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 2:56, Reply)

Meet the twunts
Okay I have two

The first was at my mates fucked up wedding. His family are weirdos and nazis rolled in to one. His Dad recently said to me about the make poverty history campaign that we shouldn't teach "the blacks" how to read or they'll steal our jobs! WTF? Anyway, for some reason his nasty, overbearing, bigot of a mum decides she's going to do a speech and read some of her poetry at the reception. Her speech went as follows:

"...... but I've always tried to teach my son the following values

Love many,
Trust few,
But always paddel,
Your own canoe.

Alone in the room I burst out laughing and then couldn't stop. I proceeded to snort and cry my way through the remainder of the speeches. I'm currently not allowed to enter my friends paternal home.

The second story isn't technically a wedding story but one from an engagment "do". My drunken friend rugby tackled me while I was sitting in a chair. The result was two broken ribs, also I passed out and apparently wasn't breathing for about a minute. Result.

Edit: Oh, and at my cousins wedding the shite DJ decided that the music for the bride and groom to dance to alone (you know the sloppy intimate dance) should be Celebration by Kool and the Gang. Watching the groom and bride try to dance to this was a sight. Har har.
(mm123, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 2:27, Reply)

It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Attended a cousins wedding two summers ago and made the mistake of treating the all day bar as a mere warm up for a night out at a local hole of a nightclub with dangerously low priced drinks.

Hazy on the details, but an ill judged shortcut over an impressively high fence left me with a knackered leg, torn and bloody trousers, hands covered in anti climb / anti vandal paint and thoroughly trapped inside the boundaries of a local school.

Finally escaped some hours later, well after dawn broke and illuminated an escape route through (literally through, thinking about i can still feel the sharp wire and thorns) a fence-hedge combo.

Later still, fell sequentially into a just opened newsagents, phonebox then somewhat less than impressed taxi for an awkward journey home.

Spent the next week or so explaining away the injuries as the result of being run over whilst drunk, as at some point I'd decided that was marginally less embarrassing than the truth, and now have a healthy respect for and fear of 'whisky' with a price that gives change from a two pound coin when drinking doubles.


Oh, and for workboresme, the club was Spiders, the school David Lister, and yes, Hull is a bit shite :) *waves from nearby market town*
(ThatSnowLeopard, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 2:17, Reply)

Ask again next week
When I was 3 or 4 I was a pageboy at my cousins wedding - my parents couldn't understand why I was terrified - but they eventually realised I was convinced I was becoming my cousins permanent pageboy, and didn't want to have to grow up without my parents.

I believe I behaved well once I understood the pageboy arrangement was not permanent. However, as part of the bride's entourage, I arrived at the reception before my parents. When they arrived I (apparently) greeted them, champagne flute in hand, announcing,"This shampoo tastes disgusting."

I still object to the photo they keep on display of me in golden knickerbockers (22/23 years later).

Anyway - to the subject heading - it's been a while since I was at a wedding, and I'm going to one tomorrow. This is dangerous as I am bitterly single, and have just NOT handed in a required dissertation. I think drowning my sorrows will happen, and so next week I will be slowly remembering better answers to this question....

and cringing.
(Afrocelt, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 1:39, Reply)

Ah fuck,
my wedding went without a hitch. Except I spent the morning from 5am till 10:59am bawling 'cos my family were not there. Then I fucked up by calling my mom's cellphone instead of my twins homephone after he'd set it up specifically to hear the wedding ceremony. (me in California, them in the UK)But then we all got suitably drunk, and got pulled over by the cops for driving down the freeway with beer cans hanging from the car. Of course they let us off!
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 1:13, Reply)

My mate's wedding was a pretty religious affair being, as he and his wife are, evangelical christians.
The service and reception took place in the hall that doubles as their church. Needless to say the majority of the people there were of a very christian bent too.
Two things however really stick in my memory from the day. The first was that the music that the bride and groom walked down the aisle to after they were pronounced man and wife was Jump Around by the House of Pain.
Second was that the pastor who had lead the service also did the father of the bride speech as the bride's real father was no longer alive, and her mother was over from the Czech republic and didn't speak English. No real shock there, until he started talking about the groom's responsibilities and the honeymoon and hoping that the groom had "packed the vaseline". There was a bit of a shocked pause after that one.
( brianftang www.brianftang.co.uk, Fri 15 Jul 2005, 0:55, Reply)