Have I Got News For You
In my time I've had 4 Internet dates. 2 turned out very well with nice lasses and a good time was had by all, one was an absolute nightmare and one was with a fellow B3tan which has turned out to be life-changing (That's with Mrs Legless a couple of posts above me.)

But I'll tell you about the horror story....

It all started when I worked in London for a big telecoms company. My job was as third-line server support and European trouble shooter. In essence, I sat in my office and messed about on the Internet all day until my pager went off and I had a server to fix. When this happened, one of us would head for the airport to fly out to where ever the server was while the rest of us tried to fix it remotely. In reality we might get a callout once every couple of weeks so we had nothing to do except play on the net.

I used to hang around a few newsgroups and a few techie chat sites. While I was on one of these I got talking to a Yank who came across as very nice. As time went by we progressed from chatting on the sites to e-mail and, as these things do, we became good friends and our correspondence became increasingly flirty and then filthy. She said that she'd love to fly over and visit me to put into action all the things we'd talked about but couldn't afford it. I, however could. I'd seen a few photos of her and we'd talked on the phone a few times so I decided to send her over a ticket and have her visit me for a few days.

As the time got closer and closer for her to arrive the e-mails and phone calls grew to a crescendo and then the day arrived for her to fly over. I admit, I was looking forward to her arriving and thought I was in for a week of filthy sex with a woman I got on with very well. So, one Monday evening I headed down to meet her at Newcastle airport. I watched the puddle-jumper from London land and eagerly waited for her to walk through the arrival gates. And then she did. The Beast. She was fucking huge! God knows how old the photos were that she'd sent me but there was only a vague resemblance between what I'd seen and what had just landed. It looked like her mother. Her very fat mother.

I was horror struck but managed to keep a false smile plastered on my face. Innate politeness had kicked in and rather than run like hell which was what my mind was telling me I allowed myself to be enveloped in her podgy arms and have the life squeezed from me. And she copped a quick feel.

So now I was stuck with The Beast for the next five days. Even worse, I was going to have to fuck this thing. I couldn't let the side down now could I? ( At that moment in time I was wondering how the hell I was going to get it up never mind anything else...).

And so we ended up back at mine place in the village. My main concern now was to keep The Beast from meeting anyone who knew me. I had a reputation to uphold. I installed her in a spare bedroom and told her to get some sleep - she must be jetlagged (I admit the thought did pass through my mind to keep her unconscious for the next five days but I didn't have the necessary drugs. Damm me for not becoming a doctor!). But, at that particular moment in time sleep was the last thing on her mind. She basically raped me. I somehow managed a creditable performance (and with this beast, creditable meant that I actually managed to bang her....) and then left her to sleep. I went to the pub.

The next four days were a special kind of hell. Being massively overweight I could have kind of forgiven and still gotten on well with her. A bit of extra weight doesn't bother me. I like all shapes and sizes. What really drove me crazy was the constant whining. About everything. The food was wrong, the castles weren't big enough. I drank too much (too bloody right I did! it was the only way to keep sane!_ I smoked too much. It was too hot, too cold - every bloody thing about everything in my country was wrong.

Anyway, after 5 days of doing my doing my bit for Anglo-American relations it was time for her to go home. Appropriately, in a Jumbo Jet. It was with intense relief that I saw her off at the airport and then I headed home and got absolutely rat-arsed. I'd succeeded in keeping any of my mates from seeing her (none of them knew she was coming over to start with) by taking her out to towns and villages miles away from mine. The nights were the worst but I manfully managed to perform my duties and I think that was the only thing she didn't complain about all week! (but I bet she did when she got back to the States!

That was in 1998 and I've never had the courage to try another Internet date until this year - but that one went very,very well....

Cheers

Legless
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 9:49, Reply)