Not ROFLMAO
Back in 2002, an episode of Room 101 featuring Johnny Vegas was aired on telly. One of the corpulent funnyman's items to go into the vault was "internet chatrooms". He discussed at length a certain American site which had him hooked for over 20 hours a day.

Having only peeped into a chatroom once or twice and promptly logged out after minutes of mind-numbing tedium observing 12 years olds LOLing and LMFAOing at each other, I thought I'd give Johnny's bete noir a pop, and logged on the following afternoon at work during a dull moment. So, it seems, did a large amount of other idiots who had watched the same programme. A few weeks on, many of us were still going in there and interweb friendships were spawned, leading to inevitable meets.

I didn't go on any of the big meets. Being something of a cautionary bear, I wanted to be in control of who I met and avoid being stuck in a pub with anyone too bizarre/ dull/ smelly. The big meets were viewed as somewhat legendary, mainly only in the minds of those who didn't get out very much and would be apoplectic with excitement for weeks in advance of having a few beers in Croydon. One of my interweb chums, a mucky little chancer we'll call Andy, had obtained a few notches on the bedposts of unpleasant budget hotels in the Croydon area following said meets, in particular one from a lady we'll call Sally.

Sally's entire life seemed to revolve around her new interweb chums, and the unexpected bonus of a go on Andy's yoghurt gun was quite possibly the most exciting thing to happen to her in years. Until, of course, the little tyke didn't feel like following it up.

Knowing that I shared occasional boozy lunches with Andy, she decided to engineer a meeting with me as a way of getting to him. Hence when another interweb chum of mine mentioned to her that he was meeting me for a pint in Holborn that night, she decided to turn up uninvited. Being the soft shite that I am, I then proceeded to let her hijack the evening moaning about him (including crying in the pub) and not getting a fucking round in all night.

Following this, I texted Andy and pointed out that maybe it would be kinder to just tell the loon he didn't want to see her again. However, a couple of weeks later and with nuts like a can of condensed milk, he made the ill-advised decision to meet up with her one last time. Her behaviour that night was so full-on, however, that little Andy just didn't want to come out to play and they parted bad friends.

That should have been the end of the matter, except she then became a bit fixated with me as some kind of rival. It didn't help that he would chat privately with me under other handles so as not to incur her wrath in the chatroom, and nor did the one time when we drunkenly shared a snog which was duly reported back to her, with some glee, by another mutual interweb wierdo friend who was there.

To cut a long story (slightly) short, thus followed several months of semi-literate flaming (the site had a "battle" room with few rules to allow its chatters to air their grievances - it was actually shut eventually because of her)and attempts by her to find out my partner's surname so she could track him down and tell him Andy and I were shagging (he was aware of the whole situation and found it frankly hilarious). I may have found it similarly laughable had the flaming not been of such poor quality (shoutycrackers capital letters, far too many ROFLMAOs and cock-awful articulation - "dont GIVE a FUK luv LOL im a STRONG fukkin woman and just cos your a FAT fukkin JEALOUS slag etc etc").

Following a particularly deranged email to the site owner about me and my evil ways (which she cc'ed to others so was soon forwarded to my inbox) she was finally banned from the site for life. By which point the whole chatroom novelty had worn off for me and, in the words of popular retro school-holiday telly series Why Don't You? I'd switched off my television set (well, monitor) and gone off and done something more interesting instead.

But let that be a warning to you, kids.

Apologies for the length... another shaggy bear story.
( weebear1974 discovering the joy of cat rape since, Sun 19 Mar 2006, 23:17, Reply)