In which Chickenlady became a celebrity vet
When I was twelve I wanted to be a vet.

If I hadn’t accidentally smashed a glass thermometer, and then followed up by breaking the bowl bit of a stone pestle and mortar, I might not have been banned from taking Chemistry at GCSE. I’d have passed with straight As, or even A*s, then I’d have taken that and Biology, with Maths at A level, and my place to study veterinary science at Edinburgh University would have been confirmed.

During my final year I’d have met and had a passionate affair with Ben Fogle, which he’d never recover from, and he’d always carry a torch for me, even when crossing the Atlantic in a small boat with James Cracknell. Through my connections with Ben I’d have been featured on the BBC vets programme. After an ill-advised mishap with a elephant I’d have been offered my own TV show - a reboot of Animal Magic with me providing all the voices instead of long dead Johnny Morris. It would be such a hit that I’d also end up being offered Kate Humble’s job on Autumn and Spring Watch, and Bill Oddie and Chris Packham would have had a punch up in the BBC canteen over who got to ask me to the next awards do.

I’d have had a small guest spot on Animal Hospital with Rolf Harris which would have resulted in me becoming good friends with him and his wife, before any of the Yewtree news broke. I’d have liked Rolf because of Cartoon Time, but it wouldn’t last. At a formal dinner party in his London home Rolf would have turned to me and whispered, ‘Can you tell what it is yet?’ then looked purposely down into his crotch where his Digereedoo would be on show. I’d look away and begin to talk to Dave Lee Travis, who would be sitting on my other side. The Hairy Cornflake would offer to take me away from all of this and play ‘Our Tune’ for me alone, every morning. At that point I’d realise that this was just all too awkward, so I’d make my excuses and leave.

On returning home I’d find Alan Sugar on my doorstep waiting to beg me to join the Apprentice team in Margaret’s spot. I’d have accepted because my veterinary skills would be the ideal twist for the show - I’d be able to give a well aimed boot up the arse to the swaggering young Turks who falsify their CVs claiming to be CEOs of big businesses when actually they own a minicab. The Apprentice would grow to new heights of popularity, and I’d end up having an affair with one of the contestants - a Ben Fogle lookalike. But then the affair would come to an abrupt end one night…

I’d come home from a hard day in the surgery where I’d been expressing a number of dogs’ blocked anal glands, I’d be ready for a large glass of red wine and a foot massage from my Ben Fogle lookalike, but instead I’d discover him in bed with KATIE HOPKINS.

I’d grab my vet bag, find the vial of meds given to dogs when they have to go and ‘live on a farm because they’re tired and poorly’, everyone knows this is the best place for old dogs. They only need the little injection for the journey, a nice short sleep.

I’d have injected Hopkins while she gave Apprentice hopeful Ben Fogle lookalike a sloppy blowjob. She’d have gone quietly, with her mouth full. And I’d have ended up in prison for six months with my celebrity vet career in tatters.

Damn my twelve year old clumsy hands for smashing that bloody thermometer.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Sun 4 Oct 2015, 17:56, 12 replies)

Go on then, have a click

( Two Hats I saw someone eating M&M's with a spoon, Mon 5 Oct 2015, 8:11, closed)

clickenlady

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 5 Oct 2015, 10:00, closed)

well it got my juices flowing, have a click

(katie hopkins telling it where its at, Mon 5 Oct 2015, 13:20, closed)

It's never too late to follow your dreams

( MisterPunch did it that way on, Mon 5 Oct 2015, 19:12, closed)

Go on,
You don't need a vetinary degree to kill Katie Hopkins. Just a hammer or something.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Mon 5 Oct 2015, 20:31, closed)

clucking great!

( vladimir, Tue 6 Oct 2015, 9:58, closed)

Don't egg her on!

( Two Hats I saw someone eating M&M's with a spoon, Tue 6 Oct 2015, 14:08, closed)

Ooh! You're on Fire!
Both literally and metaphorically!

Great story - and Happy B3taday!

I once walked past Cherie Blair at the ticket machine on the day she famously didn't have English money to buy a train ticket. If I'd stopped and lent her the money then the life-long debt of gratitude would no doubt have resulted in me becoming a close family friend and super-rich international mega-cunt like apparently all of their friends are. Shame.
( Ugi , it's a game of give and cake, Tue 6 Oct 2015, 11:10, closed)

Click

(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Wed 7 Oct 2015, 3:04, closed)

have a click
because Katie Hopkins was no more
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Fri 9 Oct 2015, 7:11, closed)