Everyone's a winner
It’ been some time since I wrote on here so hold tight, this is a long one……

This is a tale of ignorance, belligerence, and achievement over adversary.

When I was a nipper sport for me was a minefield of accidents waiting to happen. Not the sort fall over or trip up kind of accidents, but the sort of accidents that involve urinating ones trousers. You would think this is the kind of thing that would build character in one so young, well I can tell you now …… does it fuckery. All it does is turn you into a bitter an twister person who hates the bones of every cunt who thinks it oh so fucking funny to laugh at other people physical ailments. For the record it’s a mild form of spina bifida.

So, sports were pretty much off the menu for me and this led to a level of disownment from my father. He wanted a strong son who he could show to his mates a true sportsman, but I was a slightly crippled young man who revelled in reading military history and discovering new and interesting forms of masturbation. So in effect, I was a serial wanker who was fast becoming an authority of Russian munitions from 1909 to 1945, stud!

The disownment from my father was small potatoes considering the abuse I was taking at school for my little “pissypants” problem. My grandad on the other hand was the one who was feeding my little military history habit. He was a RAF spitfire pilot during the war and collected memorabilia from the time. I adored all his books and medals but above all I loved his stories from the war. Turns out he was quite the cad and pretty much deflowered half of southern Britain during his tenure.
Anyway, my dear old grandad was as tough as nails (he had 1 lung after beating lung cancer) also a dab hand at bike mechanics. I was never into cycling when I was young but my grandad built me a bike from 10th birthday. To this day I have never known why he built me a bike but it changed my life forever that day I received it. The bike he built for me was a ‘’Fixie”, 1 gear, 1 brake and you can’t coast, it is essentially a road going track bike. The man was obviously a genius because it turned out that no matter how much physical excursion I put into cycling I did not leak any urine. That summer was magical, I made new friends, got very healthy and discovered something about myself that would have remained dormant without cycling, I have the lung capacity of a fucking whale. The fucking spina bifida had constructed my body I such a way that my chest cavity was way out of proportion to the rest of my body. So I can just keep going and going. (in later years my sexual my energy has proved to be somewhat of selling point for the young ladies).

Four years later and I had joined a cycle club and made quite the name for myself on the junior circuit. My grandad drove me to races and encouraged me all the way. It was the summer of 96 and I was racing in the final of the southern championship under 14 “points” race. I was still using bikes built by my grandad and I was up against over privileged, little snot nosed arse wipes with expensive bikes and pushy parents. My bike was laughed at because it was not covered in expensive Italian names; my attitude was fuck the lot of them! What they did not know was that my grandad had intimate knowledge of bearings and if you know anything about the wheels, the better the bearing the faster the wheel will turn. It was not the ingenious stuff the Mr Obree was doing but it was his use of different axle grease’s that was real clever. Anyway, I knew I had a good chance as the preliminary rounds went well without putting much effort in but I wanted to crush the snide little cunts that belittled me. It was semi-psycho cathartic exercise in retribution for me. I saw all these opponents as the bullies at school who had knocked me down so many times and killed off what little confidence I had.

Points races consist of anywhere between 20 and fifty laps with intermittent sprints that account for points. But to get the big points you have to lap the field. Not fucking easy. The race started off as any normal race but I had a plan, set a stupid high pace between the sprints but do no contest the sprints, this meant I could control the lactic acid build up in my legs and go for the lapping at the end. They were all falling for it, stupid ego’s all contesting sprints that hold little value. 22 laps out of 30 and just after the 2nd from last sprint I made my move, the field were all shattered from sprinting and I went for it at top speed. I got out of my saddle and belted off like a scalded cat. I had 8 laps to catch the field up, it was going to hurt but I was doing this to prove to myself that I was equal to all the able bodied riders and for my grandad who gave me this new confidence to express myself. I was catching the field quicker than I imagined, in 5 laps I reached the back of the pack at had achieved enough points to claim victory. All I had to do know it sit tight and avoid the final sprint. The final lap was bearing down at the pace jumped up, I decided to slip to back of the pack but one the riders decided to take his chance and shoulder barge me. I came tumbling down like a tonne on bricks and took 5 other riders with me. This was an outdoor gravel track in south London I was doing close to 30mph at the time.….ouch. I broke my leg, arm, dislocated my shoulder and had scares that made freddy kreuger look like an advert for good skincare. Fuck me the pain was unbearable for weeks and put an end to my elaborate masturbation techniques. It was also the end of my racing career due to the fact my bones did not heal well and I had kept my spina bifida quiet, no team would touch me with a 50ft shit stick.

About 5 years later I was working one Sunday and got a call from my mum to say my grandad had been taken to hospital following a heart attack. I left work and cycled top speed to the hospital. I never made to say goodbye to my grandad as my chain snapped. Ironically it was rather expensive Japanese componentry I was using on my bike, my grandad would have not approved and probably would have made some pseudo racist remark while looking down upon me.

I lost the race and my grandad but I did win confidence and the ability to overcome difficult circumstances. Next year I am doing John O’Groats to Lands End on a fixed gear bike I’m building myself, it will be in aid of The Royal British Legion. I’m hoping to do it in 5 days, I’ll be thinking of my grandad all the way. Thanks for listening.
(CaptainCuntyBollocks the man who can with a frying pan full of lamb, Sat 30 Apr 2011, 23:00, 13 replies)

Brilliant. Have a clicky. You sound amazing. :)
(resurrection_mary cannibal_ferox, Sat 30 Apr 2011, 23:25, closed)

Fuck yeah!1!
I love this story
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Sat 30 Apr 2011, 23:45, closed)

Much respect and doffing of caps/cycling helmets for you and your granddad.
( Vambo, Sat 30 Apr 2011, 23:58, closed)

Wasn't Herne Hill, was it?
And have a clicky for tales of derring-do. Would have loved to see the look on the other boys' faces as you pulled away...
(Sir Itchalot has a very self-referential signature, Sun 1 May 2011, 0:57, closed)

certainly was hh
gravel is fun for TT's but bunch sprinting is pure nutter territory. I was (and till am) a small size rider, sprinting is not my thing. I remember getting that burst of adrenalin and pelting off. It's such a feeling. BTW a certain Mr Bradley Wiggins was competing that weekend in an older category.
(CaptainCuntyBollocks the man who can with a frying pan full of lamb, Mon 2 May 2011, 17:44, closed)

Bravo.
Bloody lovely. Good luck on the trip. Let us know if you are doing sponserings.
(DreddPirateBob has watched every scifi film ever on, Sun 1 May 2011, 6:46, closed)

Yes
Let me know if doing the sponsorship thing

Click
( zulu eh?, Sun 1 May 2011, 7:23, closed)

Karma should kick the shouder barging assole up the cuff.
Good luck with the Lands End-John O'Groats cycle challence.
My Bro in Law did this last year:
celticcycle.blogspot.com/2010/07/one-week-to-go.html
It was kankering but rewarding.
(Gru being trolled since 1998, Sun 1 May 2011, 9:52, closed)

good old carbs
when i do my challenge i'm leaving nothing to chance. I have a years plan of training in the pipeline and a special diet constructed by a nutritionist. I'm a skinny guy but i have to get my body fat right down and then pig out on carbs for about 2 weeks leading upto it. As I'm doing it fixed gear the wind will play a massive factor. I will not have gears to hide behind, so alot of strength training in needed. This is gonna break me or make me.
(CaptainCuntyBollocks the man who can with a frying pan full of lamb, Mon 2 May 2011, 17:50, closed)

Brilliant tale
Nice one mate. Fantastic story. Let us know if you want sponsorship or anything.
(vodders last downloaded improbably arousing pornography on, Sun 1 May 2011, 11:40, closed)

Chapeau!

( SteamedCleaner, Sun 1 May 2011, 12:48, closed)

That gets a click from me
Top stuff
(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Sun 1 May 2011, 17:14, closed)

Thats a terrific story!
*click*
( NotDavidBailey isn't all that sure that he is?, Sun 1 May 2011, 17:32, closed)