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This is a question Things to do before you die

Sandettie Light Vessel Automatic tells us that his ambition is to a) drive around New Zealand in a camper van; and b) have MASSIVE sex with the original members of Bananarama. Tell us what's on your wish list, and why.

(, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 13:08)
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Talk to my Dad properly
Apologies for lack of funnies in this.

It started when I was about 11. My nan died, and my dad was her only child. As his father, her husband, was hugely older than her, he died early, leaving the two of them alone, and they became really close.

She'd had two strokes in two years, and the doctors had made noises about her maybe going into a home, but she was sturrbon and independent so they made a compromise and she came to live in our house. We converted half the lounge into a bedroom for her. It was quite nice and she taught me tarot and how to bake.

Then she died, suddenly, one night. I remember her going to hospital and then the phone ringing at 3am and my Dad crying. He cried all of that night, but never again after. I don't think he really believed that she was gone.

I don't think he ever got over it, either. Within a year he had a nervous breakdown, then another and another. Every time he had them he'd go "for a walk" and be found days later ten or twelve miles away, dehydrated, curled up in a bush somewhere. His brain had gone a bit crazy and told him that the people who had taken his mother away were coming for him, too.

Eventually he was sectioned and the stay in the local psych hospital helped a bit, although he somehow managed to escape.

Slowly, he got better, stopped running away, trusted the doctors and nuses. But he isn't himself, and the doctors say he never will be again; something's broken in his mind and they don't know if he will fix itself in a week, a year, or never.

I've had long chats with my mum about it and I think she's OK, they stayed married and I hope they're happy, even though he isn't the man she married, not in personality anyway.

I've never spoken to him about how it affected me, how abandoned I felt and how terrified I was when he left on those numerous occassions, because every time I brought it up he changed the subject or didn't seem to understand.

I want to talk to him properly about it. One day.
(, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 13:31, 7 replies)
Then go do it.
I'm not sure you'll ever find the right time to bring something like that up.
You may not get or like the end answer; but you'll not send they rest of the time wondering what it.

You may be better starting it off by letter, some txts or emails. He might not be able to verbalise it, but could write about it. He may be oblivious to the whole thing

Someone else will give you better advice. This is mine.
(, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 13:40, closed)
At the risk of using a terrible cliche...
Time genuinely can be a great healer.

I hope time does its healing for you and your dad.

Best of luck.
(, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 13:44, closed)
Do it. Do it sooner rather than later, and don't let fear dictate when you do it.

I don't know how old you are or he is - and won't ask - but if you don't do it before he goes it will be a hole that you won't be able to fill.

Good luck with it, and as ^she^ said - you might not like the answer but at least it will be done.
(, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 13:59, closed)
I can see my daughter
having similar thoughts about her mother. Currently as a teenager, she is living with me and my wife (who is more like a mother, but has never pushed that on her). Her mother is seriously quite crackers, and has treated her quite badly at times, with good times rare. I feel sad for both of them, for my daughter, having to deal with her mother's problems, and despite her mother being a complete nutcase (and quite vicious), I feel sad that she has no idea what a wonderful daughter she really has.
(, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 10:01, closed)
Please do it soon
before it is too late.

My father had age and illness related dementia so I watched him change and gradually disappear over a number of years. He did have fully lucid moments that could last for quite a while though and I tried to always take advantage of those. He knew that I loved him and he said his own goodbye to me a couple of weeks before he went.

I did click for you although it seems wrong to say that I like it, but hope you know what I mean,
(, Sun 17 Oct 2010, 14:39, closed)
don't be afraid to hear what he has to say
...a lot of us (including me) spend a fair bit of time winding up other posters for what they express on here, but I understand what you have to say and, all all I have to say is that, in response, this post is about "things to do before you die"

you might well get hit by that proverbial bus tomorrow morning

enough said
(, Sun 17 Oct 2010, 16:00, closed)
Thanks all
I'm heading home this weekend, so I'll maybe ask him to go for a walk somewhere nice and have a long chat.
(, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 20:14, closed)

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