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This is a question Things to do before you die

Sandettie Light Vessel Automatic tells us that his ambition is to a) drive around New Zealand in a camper van; and b) have MASSIVE sex with the original members of Bananarama. Tell us what's on your wish list, and why.

(, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 13:08)
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I want to see this
(, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 10:37, 1 reply)
Not for me but a suggestion somewhat wider afield
If we made it possible for a lot of those spiritually brainwashed would-be suicide bombers to have sex with 72 virgins BEFORE they put on the explosive vest, they'd probably be a lot less motivated to blow themselves up.
(, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 10:36, 14 replies)
I'd like to stick
a cucumber through Patrick Moore's letterbox and tell him the Martians have landed.

credit to Ken Dodd
(, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 10:20, Reply)
Dancing ...
on Maggies grave.

As it looks like I'll soon be able to do this I'd better find my next dance space - Mr Osborne's ????
(, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 10:15, Reply)
Plenty of lube, I'm a first timer
Finally be able to look at the squiggly line burned into my peripheral vision by that twat with the laser pen.

Discover a method for shaking/squeezing/vacuuming out every single drop of urine thus preventing the inevitable plib of wee-wee from escaping the glans just after enpantment.

Actually say something when a gobbet of someone else's spit lands on your face mid-conversation (my boss is a MILF but has too much saliva in her mouth. Not sure if it turns me on).

Give Dappy from 'NnnnnnnDubz' a space-wedgie (bungie cord and a rocket).

Stuff a chicken without thinking about microwaving it to 37.5 degrees and sexing it up necro-poultry-style.
(, Wed 20 Oct 2010, 23:00, 12 replies)
I'd like to invent 3d contact lenses
so that I could walk down the street seeing everything in 3d...but no one would know.
(, Wed 20 Oct 2010, 20:56, 23 replies)
I'm sure I've mentioned this one before
but before I die - and I do mean directly beforehand - I want to go up on a roof with a rope, some glue and a sharp object, tie my feet to the roof, glue my hands to my head and step through said sharp object at neck height so hard that I end up dangling just above the pavement with my own decapitated head held in my hands and oggling passing shoppers.
If you're gonna commit suicide, at least make it interesting, right?
Sadly for many (news services, ghouls, my many detractors etc), I have no intention of doing this any time soon.
(, Wed 20 Oct 2010, 19:51, 3 replies)
I've always wanted to read
a book.

(Shirly bindun..?)
(, Wed 20 Oct 2010, 19:06, 2 replies)
Get PhD funding.
Thank you, George Osborne.
(, Wed 20 Oct 2010, 18:30, 22 replies)
I want to know everything.
I want to be everywhere.
I want to fuck everyonw in the world.
I want to do something that matters.

(Apologies to Trent Reznor)
(, Wed 20 Oct 2010, 18:19, 1 reply)
Top Gear
Be the celebrity guest in Top Gear's reasonably priced car, do several incredible laps, then fail in taking the second to last corner in such spectacular style that they have to rename the corner from "Gambon" to my name, in my (posthumous) honour.
(, Wed 20 Oct 2010, 18:13, Reply)
I want to kick a midget in the nuts.

(, Wed 20 Oct 2010, 17:31, 7 replies)
I'd Like To...
Successfully Divide By Zero,
And live to see the end of this QOTW...
(, Wed 20 Oct 2010, 15:55, 2 replies)
Solve physics
that is all.
(, Wed 20 Oct 2010, 15:26, Reply)
To live beyond the end of the Firkin' DFS Closing down sale
I was going through some old video tapes last night, and discovered that it has been at least 16 years since it claimed to be going out of business... what is wrong with the place? - And why do people still believe their guff?

I'd also like a well paid and enjoyable job in my home town... Never actually managed to work there, because unless you want to work in a curry house, the council or a call centre, there really are firk all job prospects there!... but one day....
(, Wed 20 Oct 2010, 15:22, 1 reply)
My to-do list (I've crossed out the ones I've achieved already)
Win a high-speed race at an unfeasibly young age
Leave my only parent in seek of a more fulfilling life with a total stranger
Return to my mother and spend many long years enjoying her company
Learn a rare skill which will theoretically grant me a position of great importance
Stay true to the rules and boundaries of the aforementioned discipline
Ignore that uppity cow that I've always loved but who dismissed me as "that little boy"
Win a 2-on-1 swordfight with a man 4 times my age, retaining all limbs in the process
Get married, have kids*
Try to remember that THEY'RE JUST FUCKING DREAMS and I shouldn't act ridiculously impulsively on them and foresake everything I've believed in all my life to try and solve a problem which may or may not manifest itself at some point in the future
Assume position of underling to weird-looking bloke wearing unconvincing facial prosthetics and a hoodie
Massacre annoying children
Kill beardy twat of a former mentor (at second attempt, but it still counts)
Develop pronounced breathing problem
Oversee construction and ongoing protection of moon-sized space station

Not bad. Do really regret the missing limbs, and my boss was pretty pissed about the small print of that last point. New one won't have that ridiculous design flaw. Do excuse me, I've got probes to launch and Admirals to throttle.

*Recently found out I can cross this one out too. Waiting til I meet the ungrateful brat. Can't go too badly wrong, can it?
(, Wed 20 Oct 2010, 15:10, 4 replies)
I would like...
I would also like to live long enough to take a piss on the entire current Cabinet's graves. That is all.
(, Wed 20 Oct 2010, 14:22, 8 replies)
Picking up on Golddust's OP
Mother and daughter. Mother has to be a milf obviously.
(, Wed 20 Oct 2010, 14:02, 3 replies)
Figure out..
..how to export emails from Lotus Notes into word or rich text, without having to buy an application to do so.
(, Wed 20 Oct 2010, 13:57, 5 replies)
remake the Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
into something good
(, Wed 20 Oct 2010, 13:33, 4 replies)
supreme ruler of the earth..
I want to be supreme ruler of the earth..

I'd wipe the earth of all caravans as my number 1 priority.. actually no.. I'd just make people pay a massive tax on them.. and enforce a minimum speed of 150kmph at ANY time..that should make for some spectacular accidents..

Further more I'd tax middlemanagement extra for being douschebags

I'd tax politicians extra..

I'd group together all the people that buy & read yes, hello, walla, howrya, hola and all those tat magazines and force them to spend time with the binty """celebrities""" that they so desperately want to read about.. then I'd tax them to hell..

I'd means test everything.

and I'd make sure there was enough lawenforcement to enforce everything.. Also I'd make pedestrians liable for all accidents they get involved in if they're on the roadsurface..that'll teach them to look both ways! I'd up all speedlimits and enforce a minimum speedlimit..if you go to slow you'll get fined to bejessus..

No more learner drivers.. learn in driving school BEFORE you drive on the roads..

Oh and the activation of foglights in non foggy conditions result in instant electrocution.

I could go on..

Actually I'll add this..

I also want to find the twatbags that did this:
and cunt them up good and proper.
(, Wed 20 Oct 2010, 13:30, 4 replies)
Disregarding some of the posts on here such as those that involve giving the sexytime to certain celebrities or going on a murderous rampage, there are a lot that are within the realms of possibility. All it takes is to arrange the logistics and they can be accomplished. Unless what is stopping you is something beyond your control such as a really nasty medical condition, illness or deformity then what's stopping you? I imagine one or more of lack of funds, balls or enthusiasm. All of which can be overcome.

Look at what's stopping you achieving your ambition and think 'what do I need to do to remedy that?'. That will most certainly produce another list of obstacles, each of which can be broken down again and again until you have a tree of manageable goals that you can pull off.

Five years ago, I was stuck in a rut had nothing to show for the previous years except a loving wife and kids. Then I thought I need to turn this around. It started with taking control of the money, clearing old debts and managing the household budget. It was incredible how much cash we were wasting each month. With that, I managed to learn to drive and get a car, with the old bills out of the way, we could pay for a mortgage and so bought a house. Ditching processed food and making the effort to plan and cook proper meals has helped me lose almost 4 stone.
I went back to college and did a couple of A levels and am now studying for a degree in physics and also have written about 70% of a book I always wanted to write. Plus I'm learning to play the guitar and learning to speak German.

It all comes down to getting off your arse, taking stock of the situation, plan your goals and just go for it.
(, Wed 20 Oct 2010, 13:28, 1 reply)
Do a Rage.
1. Bring together all B3tans for an epic 'Do they know it's Christmas-esque' song.
2. Record said shitty song.
3. Market said shitty song all anti-guvvament and stuff.
4. Christmas no. 1. Profit!

Christ. . . This is realistic, and potentially AWESOME!

"B3tans! What is your profession?!"
*A-roo! A-roo! A-roo!"
"See, Simon Cowell? I brought more advertisers than you.."

Who's with me?!
(, Wed 20 Oct 2010, 13:01, 15 replies)
at the same time.
(, Wed 20 Oct 2010, 12:47, 8 replies)
Wiping my last answer
And replacing it with wanting to visit every World Heritage Area - just under 800 of them. Been to 14 of them, well started.
(, Wed 20 Oct 2010, 12:01, 3 replies)
WTF?? Campervans?!?
Hold it for a sec.....
Why the fuck are there so many people wanting to campervan around NZ?

Just what we need - more slab-sided Hummer-wide behemoths clogging up our hopelessly inadequate and generally dangerous roads, travelling 30k below the speed limit (or 70k below if they're taking on the Karangahake Gorge), two wheels over the white line and throwing up road metal and ruining the paintwork and overheating the engines on the poor bastards in the first 3 cars behind them in a tailback stretching all the way to Maramarua with utterly no chance of ever getting past them, and then they get into a supremacy duel with a caravan being towed by a bronchial 1100cc 1981 Mitsubishi Lancer driven by a geriatric wearing a bowling hat with the noddy-head dog in the back window next to the tissue box with the frilly cover on it....

Lets not even mention milk tankers or crap tankers (ie stock trucks.....)

Please don't make it any more miserable/frustrating/dangerous for the other NZ drivers than it already is.
Hire a car. Stay in a motel.
There's less chance of having your vehicle broken into and all your stuff pinched this way.

There - that should dent the tourist industry.
Clean, green, & 100% pure my ass!

BTW can anyone explain why it is that people so keen on saving the environment always seem to drive around in British hacks from the 1960s and 70s, dropping oil everywhere and with smoky exhausts that leave a much larger carbon footprint than the average Chinese factory?
(, Wed 20 Oct 2010, 11:43, 14 replies)
I would like to have a séance
talk to the spirit of Marvin Gaye and find out what was really going on.
(, Wed 20 Oct 2010, 11:40, 8 replies)
Never to have to do standup ever, ever again.
(, Wed 20 Oct 2010, 11:34, 3 replies)

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