Project: Gok Wan
Ever since I set eyes on Gok Wan on my television screen a couple of years ago, I wanted to meet her. I became sort of obsessed with Gok; I would often wake in a sticky mess during the night after having vivid dreams about her lovely smile and beautiful cheekbones. Her friendly, flirtatious voice drove me crazy with desire. She became an inspiration to me as well after I had read about her drastic weight loss, and as a little porker myself, I felt owed it to her to let her know how she had made me look at my own life. I realised that being an overweight, sweaty and generally unhealthy male was not good for anyone, especially me, and vowed to do something about it. I started out on a vigorous training regime and began eating healthily, and I shifted 2 stone in just a single month.

As the pounds came off me, my urge to meet the lady of my dreams increased somewhat. I just wanted to let her know how grateful I was and how much I loved what she did for bulbous bastards like myself. In the back of my mind, I realised I was becoming a tad obsessed, but the more I saw the new me in the mirror, the more I blanked out these thoughts. It was in Birmingham, one Saturday afternoon in March, that I took the first steps towards meeting Gok - and meeting Gok had become my own little project.

A huge crowd had gathered around a temporary catwalk, and Gok was due on stage to present 'How to look good naked', a show which had become one of my firm favourites. I could feel myself getting hot and flustered at the thought of getting up close and personal with Gok, and I dabbed my brow with a handkerchief numerous times whilst I waited in the restless crowd. I managed to push my way to the front, and I reached the end of the catwalk, almost touching the stage. Gok came out from behind the curtains and everyone cheered.

"GOK! GOK! I LOVE GOK!", I shouted at the top of my lungs, trying to get her to look over to me. It was hard to be heard over all the other screaming people, so I increased the power in my voice to an almost Brian Blessed size volume. This time I did attract some attention, but it was from a steward that was stood just in front of me.

"Anymore of that an I'll have to escort you, sonny", he said to me, placing one hand on my shoulder as he did so. I explained how much I loved Gok and that I just wanted to tell her how she'd helped me, but he was having none of it. I inhaled once more, and this time bellowed out at the top of my voice,

"GOOOOOOOOOKKKKKKK!!!

True to his word, the steward kicked me out of the shopping centre, with the help of two security guards and my attempt at meeting Gok had failed.

Not to be outdone, I wrote numerous letters to Gok at Channel 4, each time enclosing a picture showing how much weight I'd lost. Although I had no replies, I still had the determination to carry on. I would not fail this project - I would meet her one day, I was sure of it. Two months after the Birmingham incident, and now another 12 pounds lighter, I found out that Gok was doing a book signing at my local Waterstones. It was an opportunity I couldn't miss out on, and once again, I found myself squashed amongst hundreds of other people, all eagerly waiting to see Gok on a Saturday afternoon.

Eventually a queue was formed, and one by one, Gok greeted everyone who had come to see her. Then, after two and a quarter hours of waiting, it was my turn. I was clammy and nervous as approached her. She sat, smiling, and I was instantly reassured as I walked up to her.

"Please...please Gok, please can you sign this?", I mumbled, embarrassingly,as I slid my copy of her book over the table.

"No problem Girlfriend!", said Gok, and winked flirtatiously at me. I had the horn instantly.

"Gok", I started, "You have been an inspiration to me. I used to be 3 stone heavier than I am now, and because of you, I decided to change my unhealthy lifestyle and start doing something with my life. Thank you so much for being a smashing human being. I love you. I love what you do, I love everything about you. You are my ideal woman."

"Honey, are you gay?", came Gok's reply. She sounded shocked.

"No ma'am, I'm not. I'm 100% heterosexual and I think I love you".

Gok looked me up and down. "Security. Get this clown out of my sight", she shouted, clicking her bony fingers twice, and with that, I was kicked out. Pondering my efforts on the journey home, I realised that my actions had been wrong. I had just announced my love to a woman that I barely knew, no wonder she acted like she did. However, my project was complete - I had lost weight, and met Gok Wan, so it wasn't all that bad. I've carried on since and am now down to a healthy 14 stone, so, if you ever read this Gok: Thank You xx
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 22:19, 11 replies)

Completely bizarre...
But somehow compelling reading.

I don't know what to say, other than "*click", I think.
(The Kwyjibo A big, dumb, balding North American ape., Wed 9 Dec 2009, 9:51, closed)

Bizarre
I don't fancy Gok Wan at all, though she does bear a strong resemblance to Kate Silverton, who I do...
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 10:09, closed)

phwoar
imagine Gok Wan french-kissing that Taylor Hanson...
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 10:44, closed)

or that bird from Placebo

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 10:47, closed)

click
She IS very pretty and I loved your story, so I am clicking too.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 12:36, closed)

Isn't Gok Wan a bloke?
Or am I missing the point again?
( jim_bob can herd cats., Wed 9 Dec 2009, 14:22, closed)

No, you see.
Being gay apparently equals chromosomal morph.

If you're thick.
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 14:39, closed)

Yes Gok Wan is a bloke. Well, "bloke" in the sense of the meat and two veg.
Personally, I think he's an annoying twat, and should be burned at the stake. Along with that prick Alan Carr.
(Nalr I'll get the coals, you bring the burgers., Wed 9 Dec 2009, 20:04, closed)

I'm not sure what it thinks it is
but I'd quite happily stab it between the eyes.
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 16:52, closed)

^ With your knob?
(wuckfit Dulce et decorum est Pro patria mori., Thu 10 Dec 2009, 1:28, closed)