Married women & saying the wrong thing.
Not all married women, just the few that I have been involved with, each time it was a complete disaster. I don't know why but I have always said the worst thing that completely fucks it up.

This is a long one but I have to get it off my chest as I cant tell my friends due to some of them knowing the other people involved.

Lisa was a woman I worked with for a few years when I was in my mid twenties, we got on well but nothing ever went beyond mild flirting as she was married. I did have crush on her, she looked a bit like a dirty(er) Martine McCutcheon, she also gave the impression of being filthy in bed, She moved on to a new job after a couple of years and that was that.

Four and a bit years later I bumped into her in town, we had a chat and decided to go for a drink, one drink lead to two, two lead to three and so on. Over the course of the evening we talked about the usual stuff, as the night wore on she told me that she had divorced her husband and was now married to another guy who we both had worked with (a total cunt btw), I said sorry about the divorce but good that she had someone new (didn't mention him being a cunt). Now at this point I would like to point out that I was not on the make, it was just nice to catch up.

So we leave the pub slightly less sober than when we entered and I escort her to a taxi, as we walk we swap numbers and promise to keep in touch. I hail a taxi and say goodnight, she leans in for a hug and a kiss on the cheek, then you know what happened next, everyone has been there - a slight brush of cheeks then a bit of a pause as we looked into each others eyes, then we started kissing like two frantic teenagers. This was rudely interrupted by the bastard taxi driver beeping his horn, we stopped and Lisa looked shocked, she said sorry got in the taxi and drove off, leaving me with an erection harder than a diamond.

On my way home I ponder what to do, should I leave it alone? should I send a text saying don't worry it was just the drinks we had? should I take the blame and say it was my fault? No I decided that I desperately wanted to bang her back teeth out so I was going to call her! No need, the following day she text-ed me and we arranged for her to come over to mine the following night, this lead to some fairly hectic shagging.

Over the next few months we went at it like primates whenever we got the chance, it became clear that her new husband was not bothered about her not coming home some nights, I didn't worry about that as I was just enjoying the fact that I had been correct, she was utterly filthy in the sack. this is what brought about the downfall.

During one of our sessions I was providing Lisa with manual stimulation when the opportunity arose to take it a little further, there is no polite way to say it so I will be blunt, I fisted her. This was a first for her (not for me, thats another QOTW) and after a moment of adjustment she grabbed my wrist and urged me to go for it. From there on she went wild, lets just say that after about ten minutes she was very satisfied & very tired.

So I try to take my had out of her, this causes another spasm, she looked and me and said she was too tired and she couldn't handle (pardon the pun) anymore, so I asked her to relax so I can have my hand back, second attempt to remove my hand results in her clamping down on my wrist like a vice. Every time I try to pull my hand out she has another orgasm, this leaves her whimpering and both of us laughing.

The laughs stopped after about five minutes of my hand being stuck, she had reached the point were any movement was too much and yet there was no way to get out. I'm sure at some point in your life you have had your hand stuck in something and you will remember the felling of mild panic that the situation incurs. Now imagine if instead of a vase or a drain your hand is in a woman.

I was trying to think of how to fix things when I remembered an episode of the simpsons when Homer gets his hand stuck in a vending machine and sees himself twenty years in the future dragging around the vending machine with his hand still stuck inside. I started to laugh, understandably Lisa was not finding anything funny, she asked what the fuck I was laughing at? now this is what I mean by doing it wrong, instead of comforting words or even just saying nothing, I replied " no don't worry its not you, I was thinking of Homer Simpson".

I think I knew straight away it was the wrong thing to say, this was reinforced by Lisa screaming "get your fucking hand out of me!" There followed several minutes of silence before the release of my hand could be effected.

So married women, trust me I am definitely doing it wrong.
(cname, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 16:25, 11 replies)

Ahahahahahahahaha, fantastic!
*click*
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 16:29, closed)

This should win absolutely fucking everything.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 16:33, closed)

kerlick
Dr pepper snort with the reminder and mental imagery produced because of homer simpson.
(Mensa Reject has gone out, I'll be back on, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 16:35, closed)

I initially read that second last line as...
...Lisa (Simpson) screaming "get your fucking hand out of me!"
But no, you clearly were not fantasising about fisting a small yellow American girl. I hope.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 16:39, closed)

same as

(tubeman trousers, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 21:15, closed)

Oh my fucking god lol :D
You could've had your very own little ventriloquist act right there; you should've shouted "A GOTTLE OF GEAR!" without moving her lips :D
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 17:00, closed)

Reminds me of a Zep cartoon.
A guy takes a girl home and she asks him to give her a hand (ahem), and since he's never done this before he gets lost in the fascination of the moment, and tries to capture the sight of himself buried up to the wrist in his latest conquest by fishing around for his camera phone. This involves discreetly stretching over to the chair on which he's slung his clothes, and he just manages to extricate the phone from his pocket when he hears a voice from the other end of the bed: "What are you doing?"
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 17:08, closed)

My boss asked me what the fuck was so funny
So he read it, and we agree it wins. B3ta at work is not doing it wrong.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 17:59, closed)

Honestly
the funniest thing I have ever read on /qotw
( The Coast Of Yemen, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 18:45, closed)

Yikes!
I've never had my hand trapped in there, thank god. The one woman I used to do that to regularly would totally relax after, and my hand slipped back out easily.

In retrospect, though, I do wish I had made her into a sock puppet.
( Wanderer, Thu 15 Jul 2010, 19:41, closed)

As I recall the exchange goes something like...
Fireman, "Homer, you're not still holding onto the can are you?"

Homer, "You point being...?"
(karnuvap, Sat 17 Jul 2010, 17:39, closed)