I just got injected with A-Z super-serum. I am now 70% invulnerable.
Are any of you criminals? I will fight you.
( brb Monkhouse Stampede, Mon 3 May 2021, 19:48, archived)

You got injected with monkeyspunk DNA and now you've got the lurgee

( mofaha ┐( ˘_˘)┌ ʅ(́◡◝)ʃ, Mon 3 May 2021, 20:08, archived)

also, cannot reprocreate, wank, I mean, anymore, sowwy

( Woodkovsky ☹️➝🚻➝🚽➝😣➝💩➝🧻➝😁, Mon 3 May 2021, 20:39, archived)

The slightest seepage of his infected semen could potentially result in Terrible Monkeys. And it’s not me saying that, it’s a doctor probably, I dunno.

( mofaha ┐( ˘_˘)┌ ʅ(́◡◝)ʃ, Mon 3 May 2021, 22:12, archived)

I removed the tags from my matresses
Come at me
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Mon 3 May 2021, 20:44, archived)

god damn it!

( Woodkovsky ☹️➝🚻➝🚽➝😣➝💩➝🧻➝😁, Mon 3 May 2021, 20:46, archived)

*puts bucket on head*
and did those feet in ancient times walked across England's mountains green and was the holy Lamb of God on England's pleasant pastures seen
( Woodkovsky ☹️➝🚻➝🚽➝😣➝💩➝🧻➝😁, Mon 3 May 2021, 20:48, archived)

Now, I am the god!
(of soft furnishings)
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Mon 3 May 2021, 20:58, archived)

Though I'm nigh invulnerable,
my left arm is now nigh immobile. I'm going to have to reschedule my superhero origin story. I plan to get solidly stoned and paracetamoled for the next 2 days.
( brb Monkhouse Stampede, Mon 3 May 2021, 22:07, archived)

Those are for your own safety and your mattresses will probably catch fire without them, just saying

( mofaha ┐( ˘_˘)┌ ʅ(́◡◝)ʃ, Mon 3 May 2021, 22:07, archived)

They're basically pins for the grenade that is your mattress.
Pretty sure there's a chapter on it in the Anarchist's Cookbook.
( brb Monkhouse Stampede, Mon 3 May 2021, 22:09, archived)

There should be, I know that.

( mofaha ┐( ˘_˘)┌ ʅ(́◡◝)ʃ, Mon 3 May 2021, 22:14, archived)

Actually can I just check, this wasn’t an inaccurate autocorrection of “mistresses” was it?

( mofaha ┐( ˘_˘)┌ ʅ(́◡◝)ʃ, Mon 3 May 2021, 22:08, archived)

But on a srs note, why 70%? And what does it rise to after the second jab?

( mofaha ┐( ˘_˘)┌ ʅ(́◡◝)ʃ, Mon 3 May 2021, 22:16, archived)

Only 3 out of the 10 carriers that subsequently breathe on you will succeed in making you ill
and across the UK everyone will be breathing on everyone in a few weeks time
(dribble, Mon 3 May 2021, 23:04, archived)

I wonder what percentage have declined an offered vaccine, I know of three people personally
Who fancies a bit of doorstep coughing all over a local authority worker?
(dribble, Mon 3 May 2021, 23:40, archived)