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Not another Coming Of Age blues..

Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce myself. Juri, 27, Londoner. Fresh off the airboat, half Borat and half Rain Man, the new kid in juggernaut city. There are a few issues that i am bottom-injured about. I have to sort them out in the coming weeks, or regret it. And like the hand-holding nyrsery rhyme bards we are, one has to get a brother sorted out. Maybe someone can help me with valuable insight (will accept scorn and rough nudging too..)

1. Tenancy

I have up to 500something£ and want to live no further out than zone 2. Do i hear snickering from the back rows? Craigslist has so far had two nigerian AmEx scams for me regarding that. Then there are those people who want me to have 3 last jobs, 5 previous landlords and a balance like Gaddafis bastard nephew. And then there are agencies that want 100 bucks in advance, to just tell me numbers or addresses of places to visit. Is that common practice and should i just go for it?

Or is there a straigther way the chavscum among us can get its bedsit on? Where are decent cheap neighbourhoods? Rapey stabby asbo places are bad. Grimey stuffy places are okay, but the dirt has to be friendly. What are common pitfalls on the market?

Should i settle for a shared flat?

My girl is coming over next month, and for various reasons, among which being a german roommate for years has been the most traumatic, we would prefer our own place. Or at least one of those split levels where a hard of hearing old bird has downstairs. Or ex housing project stuff, i have been told. Not that i am too lazy to websearch, but after the first two dozen pages of utter bollix i have to fetch a mug of defrosting fluid. And we have to make it over the winter somehow.

So any demimonde trick or someone who knows someone is welcome.

2. Work

Visual artist. Some BA time here, apprenticeship with the krauts, 10 years of agency and freelance among mates. No idea at all how to get in the market. Imma go ask around randomly from the phonebook next week. Which part of town do you recommend?

And if someone would have the courtesy to comb over my CV and example work i would squeal with glee.

And if someone of you lucky upstarts has a success story to share or some job forum to recommend, my award scoffing coffee table book will be called after your firstborn. Not sure about foot massages (attach picture and cup size) but russian heritage apple pie, certainly. Until then any old kind of job will do. What aside of passport and bank account do those places want? Where is the right balance between least dodgy boss and most relevant outlook to be chosen among the unwashed masses? How are job interviews over here?

That's it for now. Pipe dream. Will piss and moan more after tactical chat with the missus.

(funktrash soul = combustion engine, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 23:56, archived)

/talk is thataway

(

Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 16 Sep 2011, 23:59, archived)

Fuck off.

We don't want that.

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stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Sat 17 Sep 2011, 4:18, archived)

yeah,

post this in /talk - it's the kind of thing they like.

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4Q just lurking, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 0:00, archived)

Those are the kind of people that used to give me wedgies in the dole queue, right?

(funktrash soul = combustion engine, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 0:27, archived)

Not at all, they're very helpfull.

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Lord Kronos Go Team Pachyderm, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 0:31, archived)

you are cruisin for a bruisin

daft cunt

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Ham o' Shatner -.-- --- ..- .-. / .- .-.. .-.. / --. .- -.--, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 0:00, archived)

The bulgarian mafia disapproves of this kind of unconstructive rant.

(funktrash soul = combustion engine, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 0:26, archived)

just as well

there`s a big mingefull of shitfuck goin on

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Ham o' Shatner -.-- --- ..- .-. / .- .-.. .-.. / --. .- -.--, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 0:31, archived)

IF YOU CAN'T FUCK EM, EAT EM. IF YOU CAN'T EAT EM.. FUCK EM!
/

(funktrash soul = combustion engine, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 0:36, archived)

Post pics of girlfriend

and I will answer all your questions...

(scruffygit has an enormous clock -, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 0:01, archived)

cheers..

(funktrash soul = combustion engine, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 0:42, archived)

also..

(funktrash soul = combustion engine, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 0:44, archived)

The phrase "bottom-injured"

is worth a thousand pictures

(

Photoshop Bitch 2014 edition, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 0:02, archived)

Well, here's one to be getting on with

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Lord Kronos Go Team Pachyderm, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 0:06, archived)

Haha

Also:

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Photoshop Bitch 2014 edition, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 0:09, archived)

I think if more people were flung to apes, the world would be a better place.

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Lord Kronos Go Team Pachyderm, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 0:12, archived)

It's basically the ape's role in the eco-system

Edit: I'm thinking of modifying that gif so Doug Fairbanks has an L-plate on. In two minds though cos it breaks the pure old movieness of it.

(

Photoshop Bitch 2014 edition, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 0:14, archived)

Handy thing to have, a good L plate gif.

(

Lord Kronos Go Team Pachyderm, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 0:21, archived)

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Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Sat 17 Sep 2011, 0:04, archived)

http://www.b3ta.com/talk/7316252

(herman:D, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 0:04, archived)

I don't know how you managed to type all that with your mouth full.

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Prequal This is serious business. Very serious., Sat 17 Sep 2011, 0:05, archived)

Dear Sir or Madam,

your mother will receive rectal punishment with your dislodged fibula shortly. Thank you for the time and effort.

Sincerely Yours,

Zangief

(funktrash soul = combustion engine, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 0:32, archived)

And there was me trying to be helpful :)

www.b3ta.com/board/10540049

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Prequal This is serious business. Very serious., Sat 17 Sep 2011, 0:49, archived)

FFS!

www.b3ta.com/board/10538277

(polished turd 404 pixels wide, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 0:06, archived)

Actually, let's ignore all the unpleasantness

I'd REALLY like to know what gave you the idea of posting that here? I can't work it out.

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Prequal This is serious business. Very serious., Sat 17 Sep 2011, 0:08, archived)

As usual in moments of un-british openness

it was my dear old chum Red Stripe and his cousins.

Now i know better..

And why is there "Cool thrives on novelty" under that window?

(funktrash soul = combustion engine, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 0:23, archived)

typo

should read "have you read the faq?"

(polished turd 404 pixels wide, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 0:26, archived)

Basically, this is an images board.

There are a limited number of thread on the first page so starting a new thread without an image is frowned upon. If you stick around and engage with people who post here (and only post questions in replies to images, taking care to a little more succinct that previously) someone may help you out with some info.

However, keep in mind that most people come here just to see funny images so I wouldn't depend on it if you need info.

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Prequal This is serious business. Very serious., Sat 17 Sep 2011, 0:35, archived)

Cheers, i will lurk in the 24 hour Tesco and throw myself at slow people then. Gotta take some of that Krokodil and i have to get all sticky somehow.

(funktrash soul = combustion engine, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 0:48, archived)

24 hour Tesco lurking is always a good idea!

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Prequal This is serious business. Very serious., Sat 17 Sep 2011, 0:50, archived)

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TheSundaeLunch I'm a fucking shrub, alright?, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 0:08, archived)

I DUNT HAV A FKN CLU HU U R

BUT I THNK A LOAD OF SHITFUK IS GUNNA CUM UR WAY SOOM CUZ UR A SMMY FUKN SHITWANK

(Rattlehead all time with the gay, forever touching, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 0:19, archived)

That's a LOT of text for someone who's obviously pissed or otherwise.

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Bourbon Fox Bourbon is a moron, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 0:36, archived)

As of yet, i am only ever able to string more than two sentences together in a state of reptilian fuckedy-uppiness. And by that i mean Soho after midnight.

(funktrash soul = combustion engine, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 0:40, archived)

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PedroHin Come along & ride on a Flantastic Voyage, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 0:40, archived)

I didn't read it all

but what you seem to be saying is, blah blah blah

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mofaha ┐( ˘_˘)┌ ʅ(́◡◝)ʃ, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 0:46, archived)

you are a dog, aicmfp

(

PedroHin Come along & ride on a Flantastic Voyage, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 0:53, archived)

I'm a cat

as you know perfectly well.

(

mofaha ┐( ˘_˘)┌ ʅ(́◡◝)ʃ, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 1:42, archived)

And you read Nuts and neck family sized shares of pork scratchings while trying to compensate for your deflated ego with a brazen behaviourism.

In fewer words - i like your style.

(funktrash soul = combustion engine, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 1:21, archived)

Haha

they don't sell Nuts here, so I can't even have a crafty peek at it in the newsagents to see which pics they've stolen.

Also: mine is the 6th comment down, at the bottom of the article.

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mofaha ┐( ˘_˘)┌ ʅ(́◡◝)ʃ, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 1:38, archived)

Cheers mate. 2 in the bother rocking morning and i am stuck on failblog. Have some oldschool punk for that.

(funktrash soul = combustion engine, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 1:51, archived)

Hahaha! Fucking hell.

A few LPHNTS on his person would suit very well.

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Prequal This is serious business. Very serious., Sat 17 Sep 2011, 1:55, archived)

Googled lphnts, acquired mofaha.com, saved for plagiarism.

(funktrash soul = combustion engine, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 2:07, archived)

Fucking hell.

The human race. What a pointless load of shit.

(

An Eagle in Your Mind, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 2:09, archived)

NIGGA PLEEZ

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An Eagle in Your Mind, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 0:46, archived)

(funktrash soul = combustion engine, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 1:37, archived)

I suspect you have seen too many episodes of Friends.

There aren't any thousand square foot apartments on Central Park you can get by on with no job, and sit in a coffee shop all day without drinking coffee.

If you had web skillz rather than just being a visual artist, might I suggest you google 'recession' then go to the Big Issue office and get a badge.

Or get back on the boat, I really don't give a fuck which.

(

da5id <YOUR SIG HERE>, Sat 17 Sep 2011, 0:49, archived)

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/europe/germany-baffled-by-english-boy-who-lived-in-forest-2356116.html

You must be the internet tough guy.. but skillz with z at forty, oof, srsly m8. Are you one of those greasy, spluttering web design trolls? If this had anything to do with an actual talk, i could tell you of squatting the Tanzanian Embassy, where the forthcoming asian gents give you discount on vodka after midnight, how i wandered down the coast from Poole, and so on. How i distributed scavenged grub among your local piss puddle residents. Why me and my mates try to make something useful out of the riots elsewhere. How greatly indebted i am to this fine villages opportunities, and how relentlessly i shall strive to make it worthwile. But like it is now, i have only one message to you kind sir.

My testicles far supercede yours in both diameter and bulk.

And with this i wash my hands off your jobsworthiness.