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# His story has more holes than his girlfriend's face...........jusssayin'
(I helped save b3ta! atomic A-bomb-a-nation, Tue 19 Feb 2013, 18:01, archived)
# "I was asleep in bed with my girlfriend. It was very hot, so I decided to get up and collect a fan from the balcony.
I then heard a noise from the bathroom. Feeling very vulnerable, (it was pitch black and I wasn't wearing my prosthetic legs), I picked up my gun, shouted and fired four shots through the bathroom door. On returning to the bedroom, I realised my girlfriend was no longer in bed. Fearing that I'd made a terrible mistake, I used a cricket bat to break down the bathroom door. She was lying on the floor, bleeding to death."

Translates as: "Following a heated argument with my girlfriend, she locked herself in the bathroom. I was so angry that I picked up my gun and fired four shots through the bathroom door, killing her."
(I helped save b3ta! Captain Howdy, Tue 19 Feb 2013, 18:25, archived)
# I always shoot through locked doors, because there's always intruders behind them.
In fact, upon entering someone's house illegally, the best thing to do is lock yourself in the bathroom and wait to be shot at.
(I helped save b3ta! atomic A-bomb-a-nation, Tue 19 Feb 2013, 18:33, archived)
# The fast-getaway merchants know nothing about the true ways of burglary.
(I helped save b3ta! Captain Howdy, Tue 19 Feb 2013, 18:36, archived)
# I heard an argument in the bathroom. I shot through the door, thinking it was a burglar raping my girlfriend who was asleep in my bed...
...uh...no...she was in the bathroom screaming at me to get my gun and shoot through the door, after I already shot through the door....I thought she was asleep, but I woke up because I need a fan, when I got the fan she got mugged by a burglar and locked in the bathroom. "I'll save you, Dear!"...I got a cricket bat...I killed you and now I will save you...I mean the burglar killed her and vanished after I shot through the door...They had an argument about hiding in bathrooms. Good thing I had my gun. I'm innocent.............and not guilty at all.................. since it was all a mistake...and all.....I DON'T WANT TO GO TO JAIL!!!
(I helped save b3ta! atomic A-bomb-a-nation, Tue 19 Feb 2013, 18:49, archived)
# He doesn't have a leg to -
Ah fuck it, you can fill in the rest.
(I helped save b3ta! Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Tue 19 Feb 2013, 18:50, archived)
# he don't have a leg
period
(I helped save b3ta! Elvis impersonator, Tue 19 Feb 2013, 18:54, archived)
# A burglar took them and VANISHED.
VANISHED...like he wasn't there AT ALL.
(I helped save b3ta! atomic A-bomb-a-nation, Tue 19 Feb 2013, 19:00, archived)
# I'm waiting for it to get desperate, and for the defence to rely on tales about the trauma of lost limbs and/or the particular side effects of the prescription medicine he might have been taking.
(I helped save b3ta! Captain Howdy, Tue 19 Feb 2013, 18:59, archived)
# Won't be long now...
(I helped save b3ta! Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Tue 19 Feb 2013, 19:00, archived)