Never Go Back
Revisiting old TV programs, computer games and other pastimes of our youth can be a fun but frivolous waste of adult time. With the advent of youtube etc, these distractions are now just a click away. But you should be careful when seeking out other areas of a misspent youth...

Way back in the day there was a video. A VHS cassette to be precise. It was owned by a certain Rob Bluett, who for a short period of time became the single most popular boy in our school. For he had come by a genuine porno flick and was the sole proprietor and fabulously wealthy owner (for a 13yr old in 1987) of a video rental business that stocked only one movie, with a waiting list to rent it of over 10 weeks.

How he obtained his poorly copied, exceptionally fuzzy version of the 1978 production, 'Inside Marilyn', was the stuff of school legend. Some say he somehow managed to get served in a Soho fleapit. Others say he grabbed it on a family holiday to the Netherlands. Whilst further opinion suggested he found it unexpectedly in a Ghostbusters box from the local Showtime Video. Whatever its origins were, he certainly made hay whilst the sun shined.

For £10 a weekend or £5 a night, Master Bluett rented his movie out to the whole school. An exceptionally organised entrepreneur, Rob kept a neat diary of who had the film, who had requested it and forward planned whole terms of advanced bookings - all detailed meticulously in a bright blue notebook. There were even rumours that some of the richer boys had paid fortunes to take Miss Marilyn home for the holidays. The school divided itself into two groups - the 'seen its' and the 'hadn't seen its'. I was desperate to ingratiate myself into the former.

And then it was my turn. I paid my £10, grabbed the cassette and hid it carefully, counting down the hours till school was out. I hit a problem immediately. The only VCR in our house was planted firmly in my parent's bedroom. The bastards would only bring it down to the TV room once a week for the supervised rental and viewing of a PG movie. So it was not until Sunday afternoon, when they finally buggered off, that I had the chance to see what all the fuss was about.

Wow. My young mind was blown. Raised on a diet of 3rd hand Playboys and the awful European films that Channel 4 used to show, hardcore pornography was an incredible, epoch-defining discovery. What a movie! It was in wonderful un-dubbed German, replete with snazzy 70's pure porno muzak. I must have watched it 10 times straight that day. But then it was Monday. And then I had to return it. But I didn't want to. No fucking way. So I created 'The Lie'.

Bluett met me at the gates, already surround by a gaggle of desperate renters, I was plied with questions: 'What was it like?' 'How many times did you do it?' 'Is it true he comes all over her face and then she swallows?' 'Will it work on Betamax?'

Bluett simply stood there, pen and notepad at the ready. 'Hand it over Marshmallow, I'll be late for double maths.'

'Um. I don't have it.'

'What? You better bring it back in tomorrow AND pay another fiver AND a fiver late fee.'

'No, you don't understand. I don't have it. No one has it. You see my dad caught me watching it. He went mental! He grabbed it, demanded I tell him where I got it and when I refused he destroyed it. He pulled out all the tape and attacked it with scissors. Its gone. Marilyn's gone.'

I'd expected what followed. A flurry of punches, kicks and even phlegm, which continued every morning for a good few days, until the mob's anger finally subsided. But I bore every bruise without pain, without fear and without anger, for she was worth it, Marilyn was worth it.

For a year I watched that movie. Soon we purchased another VCR and from 1am, when the house slept, I watched. And I watched. And I watched. My non-school friends would rush over at weekends. We'd play marathon sessions of table tennis and Monopoly, with the victor winning five long minutes alone with Marilyn.

I knew every scene. My German was excellent. I'd absorbed the names of every actor, producer and cameraman. Still to this day, there is not a movie I have seen more. But then the inevitable happened. She broke. There was a cry from the video as tape slipped off the mechanism and found its way into the machine. A horrible wrenching sound as the motor ground to a halt, stopped in its tracks by yards of precious tape. I tried but there was nothing I could do to save her. The tape had split, crunched and torn itself into multiple pieces. She was dead.

There was no burial. Just weeks of mourning. I missed her. But time is a great healer and soon I forgot her. The world was moving on. Other tapes began to circulate. Real girls were being discovered. School ended, life began and Marilyn disappeared into a dusty, dark corner of my mind.

So there I was, 25 years later, poring over accounts at 3am, when something - I have no idea what it was - brought to mind that day at the school gates and Marilyn, and the memories of the time we spent together. But this was 2013, not 1987. Memories are now preserved electronically, they can be summoned in an instant. So I searched for her.

Did I know the film name? Inside Marilyn. Did I know the star? Of course, Olinka Hardiman. Did I know the director? None other than Walter Molitor. In under three seconds I'd found her. In less than a minute I watching her again. Within five minutes, I'd died a little.

You see it just wasn't the same. Sure, it was the same film, the same scenes, the same German dialogue that I knew off by heart - but something was missing. In an instant I was whisked back to the heady days of 1987. I was 13 again in the most powerful way imaginable. All the weirdness, the awkwardness the loneliness of a teenage boy came flooding back. Anxiety over my appearance, my (then) pure hatred of my parents and younger sibling all washed over me with a dark, irremovable sickness. It shook me to the core and I lay shaking as if a time-traveling version of my younger self had appeared to mock me. All the accoutrements of my successful adult life seemed to fade and wobble. I rushed to turn it off. And slowly, thank God, the present came back into focus.

Some things are best left behind. Permanently.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 13:49, 76 replies)

i thought you'd fucked off.
please fuck off again, thx.
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 13:50, closed)

tl:dr SP

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 13:53, closed)

Welcome back, Albert
Have a click.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 13:59, closed)

click
I liked this - well told
(big-nose-and-bald, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 14:02, closed)

£10 seems a lot for 1987
but on the whole, this seems like the most potentially truthful of all your posts
( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 14:12, closed)

Yeah, 'Albert is a massive wanker' does have the ring of truth about it.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 14:16, closed)

tl:dr?
Or was that just to sound cool?
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 15:57, closed)

i think that "albert is a massive wanker" can be confirmed without reading your stories

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 16:17, closed)

Back of the net!

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 16:21, closed)

Classic Marshmallow.
Probably. Fucked if I'm reading War and Peace.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 14:23, closed)

Outstanding
My own early porn delight was "Beauty and the Beast II", starring Tracey Adams and Victoria Paris... which I still quite like :)
(McChinaman banned, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 14:37, closed)

I knew you hadn't gone
you mad cunt ;)

I clicked this BTW one of your less insane efforts
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 14:38, closed)

Accounts?
Of the hacked email variety, I assume?
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 14:54, closed)

a tenner in 1987 aged 13?
fuck off
(alright alright, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 15:10, closed)

He earnt it ferrying fit office chicks about on his moped in the aftermath of a terrorist attack, I expect.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 15:11, closed)

Expensive. But worth it.
£1 a week pocket money. £2.80 a week paper round. £15 grandparents birthday present (£5 from evil set, £10 from lovely set).

It all adds up.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 15:14, closed)

bollocks

(alright alright, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 15:17, closed)

I admit there were quite a few.
But a fair amount of boobies too.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 15:19, closed)

classic marshmallow

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 15:24, closed)

i doubt you were even alive in 1987 if you think a porno would cost a tenner to buy let alone rent
i had my 21st birthday in 1987 - champagne was only just over a fiver from the offie and a pint was under a quid in a shit club ... either your memory is crap or this story is bullshit
(alright alright, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 15:26, closed)

Supply and demand my good friend.
A fiver a night was the most he could push for - and he got it.

Most kids at a minor public school in the home counties could stretch to that.

But don't that stop you getting all upset about it, at 47yrs old, on the internet.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 15:31, closed)

so you were too thick to get it elsewhere?
the story is obvious bs but i think personal stupidity is the best excuse you're going to dig up
(alright alright, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 15:35, closed)

Indeed.
I was 'too thick to get it elsewhere' - at 13yrs old, still living with mum & dad in a sleepy Buckinghamshire village.

But again, don't let it spoil your day. If I was nearly 50 and my day consisted of parading round an internet message board with a hilarious comedy account, I guess I would get all upset too about the prices charged by a 13yr old purveyor of pornography, 25 years ago.

Maybe you could look him up? Tell him yourself that he had his pricing structure all wrong.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 15:43, closed)

You seem a bit cross, Alb.
Why not have a £100 wank and calm down?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 15:52, closed)

I'm not cross, Monts.
I'm simply responding to claims regarding the veracity of my story, lest I am made out to be someone who is economical with the truth.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 15:55, closed)

Are you so un-upset that you've been caught liemallowing yet again
that you're going to run away for a few weeks in a not-at-all upset flounce?
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 16:46, closed)

Welcome back!
Now all I need is miserymcboredom to make an appearance. Can't see him on recent qotw's...you finally driven him away?
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 17:08, closed)

If only.
He created a new account and put the whole site on ignore.

Then keeps logging in and out to respond to people.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 17:11, closed)

What's the account?
So I can place it on a preemptive ignore.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 17:13, closed)

you won't need to. He has the world on ignore
s0ckpuppet is the name
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 18:18, closed)

Jesus...
I'm away for 5 minutes and this happens:

www.b3ta.com/questions/leadballoon/

He won?!

Tempted to flounce again.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 19:04, closed)

I haven't been anywhere, petal.
You're the one who flounced away after one too many liemallows.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 17:48, closed)

It was a deeply sarcastic welcome back - to me.

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 18:21, closed)

I feel quite churlish now. I'm sorry.
Please accept my warm welcome back. Try not to be too upset when people point out your obvious lies.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 19:00, closed)

i'm deffo the one who appears upset here

(alright alright, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 15:56, closed)

Cheer up grandad.
Any plans for your fiftieth?
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 15:58, closed)

are you even upset about my age?

(alright alright, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 16:33, closed)

Furious.

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 16:34, closed)

I don't want to take sides Mr right
but in this particular thread I have to agree with you.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Wed 4 Sep 2013, 16:59, closed)

Really?
Yet he's so upset he deleted half his post.

Apologies alright - I didn't mean to embarrass you, yet you suddenly deleted the reference to your age, why was that?

Hit a nerve?



It's too small, I know. But this afternoon he was spouting on about celebrating his 21st birthday in 1987, he was awfully upset about it - but a quick edit and they've all gone, making my replies seem nonsensical. But I knew he'd do this - hence the screencap.

No man approaching 50 is that pathetic, are they? (not counting MiseryMcSickPenis of course).
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 5 Sep 2013, 0:26, closed)

I don't think anything has been deleted.
McMisery has probably put you on ignore. He's put everybody who gets any attention on ignore. It's the only way he can feel popular.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 5 Sep 2013, 8:37, closed)

Nope.
In my image, alright bangs on about celebrating his 21st birthday in 1987 - then suddenly deletes the reference as he realises that as a fiftysomething man arguing over internet stories, is a tad embarrassing.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 5 Sep 2013, 8:45, closed)

I can still see it

(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 5 Sep 2013, 8:55, closed)

I can also still see it.
Then again I'm a forty something man arguing about something on the internet so I wouldn't listen to a word I say.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 5 Sep 2013, 8:59, closed)

He put it back!
Stop messing with my head. Though I have an almighty suspicion that Shambolic / Alright are one and the same...
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 5 Sep 2013, 9:03, closed)

He's apparently either me or Brayndedd or cowfoot.
Except it's pretty obvious who he actually is given that it was never actually a secret.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 5 Sep 2013, 9:13, closed)

It's a bit sad just how much you come across
as someone trapped in "being cool at high-school" mentality you really are.

And if you look carefully (which I'm starting to see is a bit hard for you) none of my posts are in that pic and I didn't join the thread until much lower down.
Idiot.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Thu 5 Sep 2013, 9:29, closed)

I recall as a teenager one of my friends had a video entitled Hot Scalding
It had Ron Jeremy in it, and my abding memory of it is a orgy scene in a club. Ron played the barman and was jostling his snake from behind the bar.

"Urrrrghh!" goes Ron, pulling a face, before he looks down and with perfect comic timing says, "oh, oh, oh no... my shoes".
(Eukanuba, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 16:05, closed)

Not casting Ron as the barman in The Shining
now strikes me as a missed opportunity.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 16:22, closed)

This sounds like comedy gold.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 18:11, closed)

My favourite Ron Jeremy clip is an outtake from a game of "put lots of penises in a girl"
where one of the participants accidentally fucks Ron up the arse.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 18:13, closed)

This better be a thing and not just you sending me on a wild internet goose porn chase.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 18:17, closed)

Goose porn?
Let me know if you find any.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 18:21, closed)

It's definitely a thing.
I don't have a link or owt. Soz.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 18:39, closed)

Duly *clicked*
and well written....
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 16:26, closed)

Alright albert.
I'm confident of you winning both QOTW AND the image challenge this week.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 18:34, closed)

I think that image needs a final push to get ahead before the challenge closes

( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 18:37, closed)

If this does happen - a double QOTW and Image Challenge victory (a first?)...
I will ensure you get the recognition you deserve. After nearly four years of endlessly posting, reposting, screencapping and linking that story, it is you I have to credit for any success.

As the Oscar-winning actor pays tribute to his director - I would like to thank you for your continued support, effort and relentless dedication to your craft.

Take a bow. You've earned it.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 19:30, closed)

winning QOTW?

(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 5 Sep 2013, 9:04, closed)

Yeah, like AB said - winning.

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 5 Sep 2013, 9:07, closed)

Oh Alby.
We thought we'd lost you.

Oh well.

Glad to see I've been on your mind. ;]
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 21:18, closed)

Let's put it to a vote.
Liemallow comes back with his entertaining lies.
You fuck off with your bottomless dullness and stupidity.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 21:27, closed)

You like him a bit don't you?
Go on shambo, it's ok - don't be shy. You're amongst friends here.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 21:49, closed)

You don't understand anything that happens on here at all, do you?
Amazing. Why do you bother?
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 22:22, closed)

It's cause I was horrendously shy at school
but all I really wanted to do was hang out with the cool kids like you.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Thu 5 Sep 2013, 8:25, closed)

Sorry to burst your bubble.
But you've been the last thing on my mind. In fact, I peeped in a few days ago, saw the last miserymcdesperate post was weeks back and thought it may be safe to return.

How foolish I was.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 22:35, closed)

It was kinda kismet tho
I posted this Aside from the fit bird that Albert Marshmallow gave a lift to on his scooter. and not 6 hours later here you are posting.
Happenstance it seems is a wonderful thing.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 22:38, closed)

Bollocks, I'm giving this a click because all I ever got was hedge porn.
(Docofair, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 22:47, closed)

Don't get me wrong - I liked it, as I do enjoy reading most of Albies stuff.
It duly got a click from me.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 23:14, closed)

Ok...so it's the complete opposite of what you said...
I've been on your mind.

But if you please, that's not a place I'd like to spend much time.

At least you took my advice and renamed yourself - your blithering infantile ramblings are now ever so slightly easier to handle.

Still, ignore it is.

Toodlepip.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Wed 4 Sep 2013, 23:21, closed)

Ahem.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Thu 5 Sep 2013, 8:28, closed)

I really enjoyed this
consider yourself clicked
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Thu 5 Sep 2013, 10:06, closed)

I'd rather hoped that you were going to be president of Egypt.
However, this is also good.

*click*
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Thu 5 Sep 2013, 13:01, closed)