Accidental animal crueltyI once invented a brilliant game - I'd sit at the top of the stairs and throw cat biscuits to the bottom. My cat would eat them, then I'd shake the box, and he would run up the stairs for more biscuits. Then - of course - I'd throw a biscuit back down to the bottom. I kept this going for about half an hour, amused at my little game, and all was fine until the cat vomited. I felt absolutely dreadful.
Have you accidentally been cruel to an animal?
This question has been revived from way, way, way back on the b3ta messageboard when it was all fields round here.
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rob, Thu 6 Dec 2007, 11:13)
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Driving to ThetfordLast summer I was driving to Thetford Forest with my friend Ben. Before the inevitable dogging theories start, I should point out that the car was also carrying two mountain bikes on a large rack affixed to the boot.
This large and ungainly bike rack is pivotal to the story however.
Having £3k of bikes strapped to a rack which cost a cool £28 from Halfords meant I was less than confident about throwing the car around the bends. Indeed, I was driving fairly carefully, less I leave a very expensive lump of aluminium and carbon in the road behind me.
The roads to Thetford are long and straight, which is a blessing when you have a Toyota Starlet driving coffin dodger pushing 35mph in front holding you up - as I had. As roadside lynching is bizarrely illegal - even in Suffolk - overtaking was the order of the day so I dropped a couple of gears and passed the old giffer safely, whilst ensuring my precious cargo wasn't launched off the back of the car.
The road was long and straight, I could see about a mile ahead. I couldn't help but notice a reddy-brown shape appear on the right of the road and slowly make it's way across. I looked down at my speedo. 75mph. Whoops. I lifted off the throttle. The reddy-brown shape falls into focus as a pheasant and clearly a pheasant in no particular hurry.
65mph... 60mph... I'm letting the engine slow the car down.
Mr Pheasant is getting closer and oblivious to the howling red saloon car bearing down on him. All of a sudden, my feathered friend picks up speed and walks on. I calculate that I'll miss him without swerving over to the right. Confidently I put my foot down.
*whump*
*feathers*
Oops.
(, Thu 6 Dec 2007, 13:27, 18 replies)
Been there, done thatOne pheasant crossing a country road. No problem, I saw it. I didn't however spot the one which was following it.
Bang! Feathers! Dented Car! (apologies to Disasterprone).
Hitting a pheasant at 60 (ahem) mph does not do a 1984 Mk II Cavalier any good. It bashed in all the front valance and two little plastic trim panels fell off.
The worst of it was that some bugger in a Lada going the other way stopped and put the mangled pheasant in his boot. I can't imagine it would have been too easy to carve though, with all these broken bones and bits of car in it.
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K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 6 Dec 2007, 13:42,
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I did that once on the school run...the kids went into class claiming I'd done it on purpose.
Pheasants have a death wish.
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chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 6 Dec 2007, 13:43,
closed)
Death wish?They're not exactly the brightest creatures on the earth, but one wonders what's going through its mind (apologies to Douglas Adams)
"Oooh, what's that noisy red thing flying toward me at great speed? I wonder if I should make friends with it?"
(, Thu 6 Dec 2007, 13:48, closed)
Another friend of mineis of the opinion that it's better to kill them with your car than let some twat with a shotgun take potshots at them.
He has a point. At least 1500kg of metal at 60mph will mean an instant death.
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K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 6 Dec 2007, 13:52,
closed)
FurthermoreIt means when you come to cook the buggers, you arent having to spend enternity removing or else breaking a tooth on leadshot.
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The magic of chutney Shakes it like an Instagram filter!, Thu 6 Dec 2007, 14:20,
closed)
i wouldnt worry about itpheasants are the English countryside equivalent of lemmings
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lo, the Greebo Warrior - Est. 2002, Thu 6 Dec 2007, 14:43,
closed)
If you do hit a pheasanttry if possible (i.e. only swerve if it's an empty country road) to get it so it's just clipped by the car. Chances are it'll break its neck, meaning an instantaneous death. Moreover, you can then (again, only if possible, don't try this on a motorway) back up and retrieve the body.
Hang it up in the garage, and a few weeks later you've got yourself a free pheasant supper!
If it's too bruised to roast, but not too mangled, it also make an excellent game pie. Adding parsnips, carrots, potatoes, peas etc, and reduced red wine sauce, will make this utterly delicious, and puff pastry for the topping is highly recommended. *adds to b3ta cookbook if/when it comes out*
(, Thu 6 Dec 2007, 15:09, closed)
AghYou're making me feel bad... I'm a vegetarian!
(, Thu 6 Dec 2007, 15:16, closed)
oopsSorry, didn't know!
Try and hit a tofu-partridge next time...the recipe might work with that instead...
(Can one make tofu-pie? I can't imagine it being very nice)
(, Thu 6 Dec 2007, 15:51, closed)
Free dinnerLegally I think you aren't allowed to pick up any animals that you kill with your car - so you need to rope in the help of a friend to follow you and collect the spoils of your automobile carnage.
My parents have always maintained that pheasants are like train spotters, and are trying to get a good look at your numberplate so they can put it in their notebook.
(, Thu 6 Dec 2007, 18:27, closed)
Tofu PheasantHmm... Well given the stupidity of the bird I hit, it wasn't much further up the IQ food chain than tofu pie.
BobFossil: God only knows if you can make tofu pie. I ate "Marinated Tofu Pieces" once and can testify that they taste awful.
However, the thought of a sizzling steak makes me feel a teensy bit guilty, not to mention it doesn't appetize anymore. That said, I miss bacon... Frying bacon on a Sunday morning...
(, Thu 6 Dec 2007, 18:41, closed)
PJMme too!!!!
Its the only smell that could possibly tempt me back to being a meat eater.
people always say a nice steak, but the smell of rashers.......mmmmm
(, Fri 7 Dec 2007, 10:35, closed)
BobFossilAren't you supposed to gut it before hanging it? Otherwise you'll end up with a pheasant with festering innards after a week or three.
Reminds me of another story, which I'll post separately.
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K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 7 Dec 2007, 11:06,
closed)
Vegetarians & baconSeems to be a theme amongst us non meat eaters, so much so that Quorn have had a crack at producing sythetic bacon.
I bought a pack recently, my memory full of the salty taste of crispy bacon sarnies. In the packet, they look very similar to in-soles. So much so in fact that you could put them in your Nikes and no one would be any the wiser.
I put them in a slightly oiled Wok and started to fry. The first rasher broke up into bits, but the second managed to keep it's vague approximation of a rasher shape. Eagerly I lifted it out of the Wok and onto my place.
*spits*
Quorn rashers taste almost exactly like six month old Nike in-soles. Bleurgh.
(, Fri 7 Dec 2007, 11:08, closed)
BaconI like the smell, but actually not the taste. Weird. One of my flatmates used to eat sweet and sour tofu from the local chinese. It was frankly minging.
Re: Hanging pheasants. You're not meant to gut them until just before you cook them. It means you can keep the liver (but have to throw away all other organs, including gall-bladder, which I think could be poisonous [not too sure on that though, feel free to correct me]). Hang, pluck, remove head/neck, gut, cook. Eat. Yum.
(, Fri 7 Dec 2007, 11:12, closed)
BobFossilI agree there, bacon does smell nicer than it tastes - much like coffee in that respect.
Ugh, the tofu sounds disgusting. Even the texture of the stuff is all wrong...
(, Fri 7 Dec 2007, 12:21, closed)
Don't you guysget Notbacon over there?
The rest of the notmeat range is pretty rank, but notbacon is so good that I'll eat it, and I'm not even a veggie.
And TVP (textured vegetable protein)sausages.....I love 'em!
(, Sat 8 Dec 2007, 0:51, closed)
TofuBought it, grilled it, seasoned it and ate it.
Best described as a cross between cottage cheese (minus any flavour whatsoever) and that insulating foam you find around pipes.
Almost nasty enough to turn me into a carnivore.
(, Mon 10 Dec 2007, 12:44, closed)
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