The sexual awakening of chickenlady (another long one)
(an official tale from the magical land of Far, far away. As you're all b3tans, and this is a long story, you may wish to skip to the ****s below)

Among the hills and fields of the most rural parts of the green and pleasant land that we call Far, far away, there stood a small, ramshackle farmhouse. This particular farmhouse was home to a dozen or so young ladies each named after their parents' (dead obviously, as is always the case with fairy tales, these ones died in a tragic cribbage accident) favourite poultry, there was turkeygirl, pheasantwoman, peacockfemale, pigeonbird... some others, and the youngest and most bashful of them all, chickenlady.

chickenlady was as beautiful as she was shy, with lots of curly, brown locks of hair (fortuntately most of which were on her head), a cute little face with sparkly little chicken eyes and the kind of toned, svelte body that would turn most men into gibbering, drooling, sun dials.
She would say nary a word to anyone, prefering instead to lose herself in the latest Jilly Cooper or Mills & Boon, getting her rocks off single-handedly at every mention of a 'stiff love truncheon'.

But, alas, all the occupants of the farm were left unsatisfied, their rampaging hormones would send them all proper mental at least once a month, and they would barely escape their regular cat fights with their lives, let alone their clothes.

It was during one of these many lady tussles (turkeygirl had used pigeonwoman's hair straighteners, and received a resounding punch in the face for her trouble), that while our heroine, chickenlady sat reading another classic; 'Farmer Pickle's Love Box', that the doorbell rang.

*knock-knock*, it went.

The girls immediately stopped what they were doing, re-adjusted their jims-jams, peacockwoman had to remove her fingers from turkeygirl's hair as they had been tangled in the fraca, and looked at each other. None of them was expecting a visitor, why, no-one had even been to the farm in months.
As it was around 9pm, and dark outside, they knew it would be best to err on the side of caution. Each of the young women armed themselves quickly, some with rolling pins, some with hairbrushes, others with certain battery-operated devices that the others had only ever heard late at night. They crowded around the door, poised and ready. chickenlady stood on a stool, her quite heavy book held over her head, waiting for the right moment to bring it crashing down on her imaginary assailant's head.

Turkeygirl timidly opened the door, to be faced with a man, of sorts, he appeared to be very small, quite untidy, and had an usual amount of facial hair, though he did have a totally disarming air about him too, and seemed completely unthreatening.

Most of the girls promptly lost interest, preferring as they do the larger, more gruff kind of man. But chickenlady stayed, 'Hello kind sir, how may I help you tonight?' she almost whispered, barely audibly.
But he did not reply, he just stared back at her with his dark, beady little eyes, and casually scratched himself.
Thinking that perhaps the man was not possessed of all his faculties, and may be in need of care, the kind little chickenlady offered him a bed for the night, and prepared him a room at the other end of the house to her own. He did not thank her, which she thought was a little rude, but she was aware that clearly this man was either unable to speak at all, or perhaps he was even more shy than herself.

That night, everybody in the farmhouse was settling in to sleep, when some of the sisters pondered upon a brilliant scheme. They snuck their hot little bodies in their skimpy little pyjama tops and cute french panties (what..? -I'm not allowed to get pervy?), into the room where chickenlady slept. They picked her up, and without waking her, they carried her to the stranger's room, where they laid her on the floor and left, locking the door behind them.

The click of the key in the lock awoke chickenlady with a start. She looked about her, her eyes adjusting to the gloomy room. The stranger was asleep in his bed, curled up by the pale light of a small candle by his bedside. Frightened and bewildered, chickenlady got up quietly, and reached for the door.


**********sexy fun tiem starts here********

chickenlady's attempts to scrabble at the door had aroused the stranger from his slumber, she could hear him stirring behind her, and froze where she stood.
She heard him wriggle on the bed for a moment, then his footsteps shuffled across the dusty floor, until he was right behind her.
She could feel his hot breath, warming the back of her neck, and the presence of his body pressing almost against her back. She sighed and closed her eyes as he reached out to touch her. His tough, leathery hands stroked their way up her bare arms, and he began to play with her hair.
His lips hovered just over her shoulder, lightly brushing it with soft, barely detectable movements. She was dying for him to kiss her, to feel his lips on her right at that very moment, why wasn't he kissing her?!-her head filled with a thousand thoughts.

His hands made their way from her gorgeous, curly hair, across her soft cheeks and down her front, gently teasing his way around her erect nipples, before making their way across her soft, toned stomach. She allowed herself to let out a little moan, but she was well aware that she wasn't going to let herself go completely, not yet.

She slipped her little white nightie off her shoulders and it fell to her feet, this excited the stranger, she could feel him already digging into her back, but this caused him to throb harder. His rough hands carried ont their way, downwards, inside chickenlady's already moist knickers, this time she whimpered, and she had to hold onto the door she was facing, as her knees nearly gave way beneath her.
His fingers explored, teasing their way through the soft folds of her wet, exposed flesh. He stroked in little circles, first around the outside of her pulsating clitoris, then slowly on it, down to her soaked lips, before softly guiding them inside of her, stroking upwards, hitting the little spot that she had never known was there before.
chickenlady's legs were almost buckling now, she was moaning softly and her thighs were becoming sticky with the juices that were starting to run down her legs, she was only held up the strangers hand, his crotch digging into her from behind and his other hand now tenderly playing with her curls again.

He kissed her neck, she could feel the softness of his lips on her as he sucked, and she leaned back, her hands reaching out to hold him.
He stopped, and turned her around. They were face to face now, pressed right up against each other, and she was still dying for that kiss... But, he pushed her to the bed, there was more still to come.

Laid on the bed, chickenlady felt more exposed than she ever had in her life, but she was dying for him to... she didn't know, all of this was new to her, she wanted him, she just didn't know exactly what it was she was yearning for.
He took his time removing her drenched panties, and kissed his way from her knees, up her thighs, paying close attention to any part that made her moan that little bit harder, before he put his mouth on her...

chickenlady gasped, she had never felt anything like this before, his warm, soft tongue and lips were doing things to her that she could never have imagined. She writhed about on the bed, grabbing the sheets hard with clenched hands, and he teased her for what felt like an eternity.

When the stranger had had his fill, he sat up, and mounted the beautiful girl with whom he had been lucky enough to have an encounter with that fateful evening.
Pressing himself right up against her, until finally, painstakingly, agonisingly slowly, he entered her, and gave her the kiss that she had been waiting for.

They made love for hours, long into the night, and awoke cheerful and happy, cuddled up in each other's arms, chickenlady pressed against the silent stranger's hairy chest.

They laid there for hours, until Mrs Monkey burst into the farmhouse, and battered the shit out of both of them. She dragged the cheating Mr Monkey, who had escaped from the zoo that night, all the way home by his nipple hair.

...and that was the story of how chickenlady lost her virginity to an unfaithful monkey...

(massive apologies to chickenlady, and for the lack of wolf-bagging again, but you asked for a sequel!)

I wrote this in lieu of CHCB's QOTW suggestion, nicely tying it in with this week's one, I think.
I really should do some work.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 11:08, 93 replies)

I like this!
It wasn't as goaty as I was expecting, and that's a good thing.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 11:17, closed)

Er...
I want those five minutes of my life back.
You sick, sick little man...
( Cawl, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 11:18, closed)

Dagnabbit!
I forgot to mention that it was a goat farm!

I covered goats in my last story, this one's for the monkeys.

How do Mrs CHCB, good weekend?

@Kaol there's nowt sick about it, if that'd been a man instead of a monkey, this would actually be an alright story anyway.
*sticks out tongue*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 11:19, closed)

@Bert
Not bad, Sexmonkey. I grew an extra freckle or two in the sun on Saturday, ate aromatic crispy duck on Sunday and went dancing last night. I'd say that's a good weekend.

yerself?
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 11:21, closed)

Mmmm....
it's been ages since I've had a good duck. They're proper tasty, for little mallard-gangraping gits.

Pretty good too, sunned myself on saturday playing 'kill the imaginary zombies and vampires with our sticks' with my little girl and a couple of her friends, Guitar Hero'd my way through sunday and tried desperately not to perve over the Mum's when I dropped said little 'un off at school this morning.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 11:25, closed)

I really don't need this sort of thing on a Monday morning.
I've been rabid all weekend and finally calmed down to be exposed to this and all wound up again.

I can't cope *bangs head on desk*
( girlinthehole, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 11:27, closed)

Oh, we talking
About weekends?

Mine was wicked :D
I had a practice with my band, had some "alone time" with a charming young lady, and actually slept for a bit, woo!
( Cawl, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 11:29, closed)

Aww....!
I'm sorry, BGB, didn't mean to exacerbate your sexual tensions.

Just try to bear in mind, my story is about a monkey, so shouldn't really be sexy anyway.

@Kaol Get you, you little 'I got some at the weekend' show-er-off-er!
You seem to be telling everybody anyway, you should just change your sig to 'has been inside a lady'.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 11:30, closed)

Well...
It's been a particularly bad six month drought...
Glad to have bucked the trend.
No more goats need suffer.
( Cawl, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 11:37, closed)

Nice work Kaol!
I hope you thought of all of us at the appropriate moment.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 11:39, closed)

Bert
just because Kaol spent some "alone time" with a lady, doesn't mean he was ever actually inside her at any point.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 11:39, closed)

@chcb
Only Burt, I'm afraid, sorry.
( Cawl, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 11:41, closed)

oh, and
glad you're alive again, I've abandoned my plans to write an erotic story in tribute to you as I doubt I would better that.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 11:41, closed)

Suffer?
They LOVE it.

Six months is pretty bad, but, and I may be about to divulge a little too much information here, I once went TWO whole years, yes that's TWO whole years without sex, when I was married to a mental.
I was too nice to cheat, but I should've known better.

Give it a go, al, I want you to unleash the demons of your psyche and read a page of goat-monkey-paedo sex.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 11:42, closed)

@CHCB
From Kaols response, are we to assume that the "appropriate moment" was the first time he spotted she had a really hairy arse?
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 11:42, closed)

HAHAHAHA!
My arse is hairier than DLT.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 11:44, closed)

That's nothing Bert
I found DLT in my arse once when I was wiping. Turns out I had sat on him by mistake and hadn't noticed. Turns out he's only five inches tall.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 11:46, closed)

DLT?
What the fuck is DLT?
All I can think of is "Docklands Line Train" but... *confused.*
( Cawl, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 11:46, closed)

Shirley you mean feet, al?
I've been in your rectum, it's like the Lechuguilla Cave in New Mexico.

Arriba!

@Kaol -Dave Lee Travis, former DJ, dead now, I think...?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 11:48, closed)

Ah!
Thanks for that, I understand now.
EDIT @ Al, yeah, got that, just the initials threw me off!
( Cawl, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 11:49, closed)

Oh dear
I think we may be showing our age Bert.

Kaol - DLT was a "popular" radio disc jockey (or DeeJay as the kids are now referring to them) who would spin the popular tunes of the hit parade on his breakfast show. His real name was Dave Lee Travis, but as he was a hairy cunt and did the breakfast show, he referred to himself as "The Hairy Cornflake". Him and Tony Blackburn were the people that Harry Enfield based Smashy and Nicey on.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 11:50, closed)

He's not dead yet.
Shame really.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 11:52, closed)

@al
YOU'RE the one who is old! I am only twenty-six, but I feel twenty two(year olds).
Had to be done, sorry.

For some reason today, I have the Village people in my head singing, 'In the Navy'.

DLT is ALIVE?!?!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 11:54, closed)

Yes, he's flying blind on a rocket cycle
apparently.

EDIT - Macho, macho, Macho Man! I want to be a macho man, got to be a Macho, macho, Macho Man! I want to be a Macho Man! You can tell a macho, he has a funky walk, his western shirts and leather, always look so boss, Funky with his body, he's a king, call him Mister Eagle, dig his chains, You can best believe that, he's a macho man, likes to be the leader, he never dresses grand
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 11:55, closed)

See,
I actually AM twenty-two...
But I feel about 30 most days.
*needs more souls*
( Cawl, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 11:56, closed)

oh bugger
I am 10 years older than Kaol.

*feels old*

I look 25, if that counts.

*checks portrait in attic*
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 12:00, closed)

@al
Are those actual lines from that song, or did you make that up?!

It's genius.

Re the portrait in the attic, I didn't realise it was possible for someone's writing to actually seem gay til I read the Picture of Dorian Gray.
It's also one of my favourite lines from Family Guy, 'put it this way, somewhere in an attic there's a portrait of you that's getting prettier.'
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 12:01, closed)

@CHCB
I would say that counts for a lot. Plus you have all that extra experience.

edit @Bert - no, not even my innate lyrical ability is good enough to come up with something that good. They are the actual words to Macho Man by the Village People (it's my favourite song of theirs)
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 12:01, closed)

@al
and the double-jointed hips to go with it
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 12:02, closed)

Oooooo
you saucy minx.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 12:02, closed)

Quick, al
give her your lolminge!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 12:04, closed)

@CHCB
It's ok, I still love you.
You're more like a mother to me now though.
( Cawl, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 12:05, closed)

Oh and by the way
I had a great weekend too thanks for asking Bert

rude shit
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 12:05, closed)

@Kaol
your mum's only 35?
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 12:06, closed)

Fuck off and die
you northern cunt.

JUST KIDDING. I love you really, I'm terribly sorry, how rude of me, how the devil was your weekend, mr thegeordie?

you cuckingfockspazzer
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 12:07, closed)

@Kaol
MOTHER?!! Nay, sonny. Mind you, after the last 22 year old ended badly I'm sticking to my own age.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 12:09, closed)

@CHCB
It doesn't seem to matter how old the guy is, according to every woman I've ever met we're all spacktards, so you shouldn't rule anything out.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 12:11, closed)

Oh it was fun thanks for asking
I got a load of monkeys, called them all Bert, trained them to shout out "my names Bert and i'm a nobby cock spurter" every time I thrust into them, shagged them all for hours, then bludgeoned them all to death with a goat.

:)
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 12:11, closed)

@CHCB
Mother in a religious sense, obviously.

Like Mother Superior, that kinda thing.

*digs self out of hole*
( Cawl, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 12:12, closed)

@Bert
no, I broke him.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 12:12, closed)

@CHCB
what literally? *winces*
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 12:13, closed)

not literally
honest
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 12:13, closed)

@al
Can I have one of those monkeys, pleeeeeease...?

I'll be good, I promise.

@CHCB I see, you need a sturdier, older man then, preferably with his own burns ointment.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 12:15, closed)

*passes Bert the remains of a number of battered monkeys*
Hmmmm, now where could CHCB find a man like that Bert? I hear Surrey is a good place to start looking.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 12:17, closed)

Surrey
Is a terrible place.
Try *wherever al lives*.

*doesn't want to be broken*
( Cawl, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 12:18, closed)

Are you kidding me?
We're all poncey, cricket-playing, Pimms drinking, Toni and Guy haircut wearing twats around here.

She could do better.

EDIT But, if I were a single man, and CHCB's standards were significantly lower... well, let's just say there'd be a whole lot of monkeysex goin' on.

*Marvin Gayes*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 12:19, closed)

could she?
sorry, that was just too easy a cheap shot to resist. I have no doubt that you could do far far better than any of us three.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 12:20, closed)

^^ Thanks
Al, thanks a lot :(
( Cawl, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 12:21, closed)

Stop whinging Kaol
you got some this weekend. Not everyone was that lucky.

Well, I was obviously. But there you go.

*whistles*

*feels he is coming across as unnecessarily smug*

*apologises to all concerned*
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 12:24, closed)

@al
Yes, I agree, CHCB absolutely could, she is by far and away one of the finest examples of female form that I have ever glared at pictures of and communicated via interweb with.

My Mrs is 100 miles away, do phone sex and text sex count? :C

I will be going to see her soon though, and she's learning to drive! :D
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 12:29, closed)

@Bert
Does that mean she's turning 17 soon then?
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 12:31, closed)

*sends an appropriate level of love to alBertKaol*
awww.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 12:31, closed)

@ al
Fair point...
...
I hate Mondays so much...

Really need my lunchtime alcohol fix.
( Cawl, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 12:33, closed)

@CHCB
don't mention it!

@al very funny, of course not, she turned 17* last month.


*actually 21, which might make me an old perv, but when I was her age I was doing bad things with a 37 year old, so it's not that bad.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 12:33, closed)

She's younger than
Me?
Hahaha!
Nice work, I assume.
( Cawl, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 12:35, closed)

Not really
she just has low self-esteem. I'm going to try and make her feel all good about herself so that she can find someone a bit more her own league some day.

It was quite nice though, we met a few years ago, she was a work experience girl at the council, and stalked me for many years, until I finally gave in* to her unbelievably hot body etc.

*we both had partners, always at the wrong time, and she was too young.

Everybody's learning all about Bert today..!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 12:38, closed)

She stalked you?
Now there's a story for Thursdays QOTW...
( Cawl, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 12:41, closed)

No
only if she made him a mix tape out of cheap tat while she was doing it.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 12:44, closed)

I had a stalker once
She was fucking horrible.
/story.
( Cawl, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 12:45, closed)

I had a sort of stalker
There was a girl, who despite me being quite clear that there was no chance of a relationship, would insist on meeting up for sex. I actually dumped her twice (obviously the prospect of no strings sex took me back) before I couldn't handle being such a bastard and properly finished with her.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 12:51, closed)

Actually
Mrs Monksex stalking me was a good thing.

But I had another stalker, when I was 17. She was scary, she wore a back brace and named her dog after me.
Luckily I got her fired by telling her colleagues that she'd called a fellow employee a 'fucking hippo'. I'm a bad man.

Hello Gemma!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 12:51, closed)

My stalker
Tried to get me drunk.
By spiking my drinks with vodka.
I like my drinks with extra vodka.
She failed.
She puked up everywhere.

Then she used to stand outside my house.

Fun stuff.
( Cawl, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 12:54, closed)

@Kaol
Admit it, you did, didn't you?
You might as well tell us, we all know you did.

You bummed her.

I was probably the worst stalker ever though, I fell for the wrong woman, and couldn't get over it for a long time.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 12:56, closed)

I did not.
There was no sex involved.
She started stalking me because I played a Queen Adreena song in one of my DJ sets one night.

Because obviously that means "Yes, come and stalk me, you're fully welcome to have my children".
( Cawl, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 13:04, closed)

May I have your children...?
*rubs hands*

*starts up the de-skinulator*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 13:06, closed)

oh poor sweet niave Kaol
everyone knows that if the DJ plays you a queenadreena song then you have free license to stalk them until them bum you up the pooper.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 13:06, closed)

I don't have any
And I don't want any.

You can have Al's.
( Cawl, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 13:07, closed)

al, could you play a Queen Adreena
song during one of your DJ sets, so that I can bum you in the pooper.

Then we shall see what kind of abomination is born.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 13:10, closed)

So the advice from
Two border-line insane web-based wierdos is that I should've slipped her the wrong 'un?

I'm glad I didn't follow that.
( Cawl, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 13:12, closed)

Has the girl from the other night called back?
Thought not.

Sex with you repulses women, you should try it with every girl you meet. = No more stalkers!

:D
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 13:14, closed)

Ouch...
She has actually...
I saw her again Sunday.
And I'm seeing her on Friday...

Maybe I should try a Mexican Avalanche?
( Cawl, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 13:15, closed)

@Kaol
it's not bad advice, given that only a fraction of all women are into having backdoor fun, and that the total number of women available to you is somewhat limited due to what Bert just said, taking the opportunity to do something a little bit out there when you have someone who will probably do anything you ask isn't totally wrong.

is it?
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 13:16, closed)

Fantastic idea!
Good on you, I hope it all goes well.
Best to wait a while for the avalanche though, it's only meant to be practised by experienced sexathletes.

Just remembered, I had a housemate who'd gone 7 years without sex a few years back, but he was REALLY ugly.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 13:18, closed)

Good luck Kaol
remember, under no circumstances should you let her find out what your really like.

I've been living a lie for four years now, I've even bought a house with the girl, and just as soon as we have our wills in order, I'm planning to go back to the way I was.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 13:23, closed)

'The way we were...'
*Streisands*

She will only love you more, al, goats ain't fussy.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 13:24, closed)

fucking hell
is it me or is this just bollocks?

is it time for the ignore button again?
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 13:49, closed)

I'd agree with you there, Emvee
ignore away if you like. It's really just an 'in' joke between me and a few other b3tans.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 13:52, closed)

absolute bollocks I agree
you could of course just not read it.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 13:53, closed)

But it's compelling bollocks
sometimes you just can't look away.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 13:55, closed)

It's like
bollocks that have had a car crash at a busy junction, and everyone is filtering past slowly, staring at the bollocks, wandering what happened and why.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 13:56, closed)

It's because one of the bollocks was driving a car,
saw some sexy lady bollocks and took his eyes off the road for a second.

Moments later the first bollocks collided with a school bus full of kiddy bollocks, the bus overturned and they were all killed instantly. While the man bollocks veered off the road, taking out the female bollocks that he'd been eye-ing up.
Terrible stuff.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 13:59, closed)

This sort of tragedy
is why bollocks shouldn't be allowed to drive. Won't somebody think of the children!
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 14:02, closed)

I know
It's stupid really, they've only got one eye, and that's on the end of their snout. They've got no depth perception whatsoever.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 14:04, closed)

And
every time they talk about CHCB, chickenlady or BGB they end up looking at the ceiling
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 14:05, closed)

eh, fair enough
I've indulged in a bit of 'in' jokery before (today, in fact, on the main board) and no-one likes a bit of fun more than I do...except for my wife...and several of her friends...in fact most people like a bit of fun more than I do, but let's not get silly, eh?
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 14:06, closed)

@emvee
But we like it silly here, we like it very much.
Also, I'd recommend reading everything from CHCB's wanking post onwards, as the stories of goat and monkeysex, combined with chickenlady's filthy posts were pretty amusing.

@al not to mention the goats and the monkeys.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 14:09, closed)

I think that's lovely!
I made a badge for all you goat-lovers over the weekend! I've put it in my profile and it's also in one of the threads - Al's wasp story.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 16:35, closed)

I Lulloo
Mrs PJM.

:D
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 17:13, closed)

Mmwaa
*big sloppy kiss*
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 18:25, closed)

*slips it in while PJM's not looking*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 29 Apr 2008, 9:58, closed)

*Runs away*

( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Tue 29 Apr 2008, 15:02, closed)

*chases*

......


*slips it in PJM instead*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 29 Apr 2008, 15:49, closed)

*Watches*
Agog.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Tue 29 Apr 2008, 16:02, closed)