Cows are not that clever
Way back when (it was legal), and when I was a bit less apathetic, I'd occasionally go foraging for magic mushrooms up on the south Downs, generally with little success.

Apparently you're supposed to do it before dawn's early light. Well, being the thick twats we were, we thought late afternoon was probably just as good.

So there we were, tramping round fields on a cold October afternoon, when we got into a bit of a boggy bit. The going got slow, the light started to fail, so we thought sod it, time for home and made a beeline for the first recognisable landmark.

As we tramp, a few of the more athletic looking cows in the field decide to trail behind a bit... and as we keep going, the cows come closer and gain in number. So we pick up speed - they pick up speed, and almost instantly their number doubles as all their compatriots hear the rumble of hooves across the field. They're close now, and me and my friend Bob Skeng are getting pretty shitted up, seeing as it's dark and we've got 10 tonnes of beef behind us at 7mph or something. We decide to peg it... and quickly realise the cows can not only easily keep up, they're getting EVEN CLOSER.

At this point, 'cos I'm not much of a runner, I think my best course of action is to turn round, face them head-on and try to sneak through a gap rather than be mown down from behind.

The sight of a dozen cattle all attempting to put the brakes on, feet skittering as they skid about in their own shit, trying to avoid each other (and me) and then pelt it away in sheer panic will stay with me for ever.

Next time no doubt, I will actually get seriously trampled.
(JohabMorelli is spenging merrily away, Wed 30 Apr 2008, 23:53, 2 replies)

Well done.
Finally, somebody with some sense.
If you face them up and walk towards them they shit it every time.

The stories on here about townies escaping with their lives are laughable.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Thu 1 May 2008, 9:05, closed)

Cows....
the most dangerous animal known to man
(Kopite Ceoil agus Craic, Thu 1 May 2008, 11:03, closed)