mugshits
while working for a rather large telecomms corporation, i experienced this amazing feat of rectal tomfoolery.

after a GRUELLING year of poor management, more shitty motivational speaking, teamwork ethos-inspiring, middle management bullshit than you can shake a stick at, the engineers were to a man, sick and tired of the endless targets, and crap.
one day, we were informed our coffee mugs, resplendent as they were in all their chipped, handle-less, inappropriately themed and sediment-encrusted glory, were now persona non grata, and would be replaced with new, corporate mugs all looking the same.

the first day they were out, as i was leaving i stopped off in the little boys room, to once more shit on company time, and there in front of me, sitting in the bowl like some kind of tracey emin exhibit, was a perfectly formed fudge weasel, curled like a sleeping python, inside one of the new mugs. perfectly inside, as if the proud father had meticulously calculated his dietary intake in the hours preceding the event to ensure a turd of the perfect size to coil into a mug and fill it, poking cheekily out the top like an inquisitive mole.
fantastic.


i also have a pea to roast, same company and time frame, and again in keeping, and again shit-themed (i'm sorry, b3ta brings out the worst in me)

while working for the same telco, i was in my first month and looking to make a good impression.

one fine night i got in slightly ahead of the shift handover, and feeling the egress of a hearty and fulsome Richard was imminent, i stopped off at the gents.
it was a cold night, and i was still wearing my large snowboard jacket.
i dropped trow, and fired off a deuce.. all normal here. after wiping, i stood to pull up my trousers, and this dear reader, is where it all went HORRIBLY wrong.
as i stood, semi-crouched with hands gripping my waistband, my sleeve caught on the toilet roll holder. as i was in an odd position, and heavily be-trousered of ankle, i teetered, then collapsed back onto the rather low toilet.
there was an almighty cracking sound, and the toilet slumped. (i am a rather tall and heavy fellow)
Alarmed, i leapt once more to my feet, trousers up, and spun round to see the last dregs of water draining from the bowl to god knows where, leaving my majestic turd standing proud, decorated with soggy toilet paper for all the world like a tiny mountain range bedecked with snow.
FUCKKKKK! this will get me fired for sure! what to do, what to do.... in my cunning mind, a plan was forming

and thus, my escape was confirmed.
i pulled the flush, closed the door, and fucked off to the coffee room, denying all knowledge and feigning innocence when the evil deed came to light.
cunning eh?
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Wed 20 Jan 2010, 16:20, Reply)