My Downfall
I sit here on a wet Monday afternoon, in my pants and bathrobe, having done precisely nothing all day. Why? Because I am an attention-seeking fool, and it cost me my job, and my dignity.

This is my story.

Class Clown, that was me. Then, as I made my erratic transition to the professional world, Office Clown. I loved to make everyone laugh, and I went to great and silly lengths to achieve it. I will be the first to admit that my japes have never been particularly clever or inventive, but that's not the point. Sitting here in the cold, hard reality of unemployment, it is increasingly clear to me that, for all my life, my so-called sense of humour has been nothing more than rank and wanton attention-seeking. And one month ago today, it cost me my job.

I was working my way up through company. I was well liked, good at my job, and everyone thought I was funny. I was in a position to have regular contact with the top brass, and they all thought I was hilarious - all except the CFO. He seemed to be a permanently angry guy. I tried my hardest, but nothing I did raised even a smirk.

One day I was preparing to empty myself in the gents' loos, when who should occupy the next stall but the CFO himself. I could tell the man from his angry muttering as he struggled with the lock. Nervousness crept in, and I was just about to abandon it as a wasted trip when all of a sudden I let out a large and impressive fart. Muffled giggles came from the next stall. My whole body siezed with a sudden hope, and even more magnificent fart emerged.

"Speak up Mr. Brown, you're almost through," I intoned at the very top of my voice. That was too much for the adjacent occupant, and I was met with a deeply, thoroughly satisfying burst of laughter. This was to be the seed of my downfall.

A month later, and I'd been called into a meeting with the top brass. I don't remember why, or what it was about. Overcome with nerves at such a key opportunity to prove myself, I'd spent my lunch hour in the pub, and was pretty far gone when I reached the meeting room. There was some big financial deal, or possibly a merger being negotiated. We were on a conference call with some Americans. I was really struggling to maintain. My stomach was doing somersaults. The CFO looked unhappy, I do remember that. Really unhappy, and as time went by he just got angrier and angrier.

Suddenly everyone was looking at me. It was my turn to say my piece. My guts rumbled. I looked over at my new CFO friend, looking utterly miserable, and I knew what I had to do.

Quick as a flash, I jumped up onto the boardroom table, lowering my backside over the speakerphone. "MAKE WAY FOR THE BUM TRUMPET," I bellowed. "IT'S HERE TO HAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I continued, vomiting projectile shame over the entire boardroom.

"No! NO! NO! That was the wrong end! THE WROAUUUUUUUUUUGHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUGHHH!" They looked on in mute horror as I proceed to paint the room in vivid shades of poor decision making. In front of a room full of angry, sick-soaked executives, on all fours, sobbing openly, I looked up at the CFO. Face like a stone. Not even the slightest hint of a smile. I had failed.

And then I shat myself.
(Frank Snow, Mon 18 Nov 2013, 17:01, 11 replies)

You had my hopes up for a moment, there.
Damn you, Frank.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 18 Nov 2013, 17:09, closed)

^this
:'(
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 18 Nov 2013, 19:06, closed)

I don't care that it isn't true
It still gets a click
(Wasmaschine!, Mon 18 Nov 2013, 19:44, closed)

Not mine
Nowhere near previous standards
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 18 Nov 2013, 19:55, closed)

Well it's nice to know I have standards.

(Frank Snow, Mon 18 Nov 2013, 20:28, closed)

Pure poetry.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 19 Nov 2013, 11:15, closed)

Splendid.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 19 Nov 2013, 13:21, closed)

Sorry, but this missed me
...in every sense, thank God
(Colonel Blink is now officially a pretentious prick, Tue 19 Nov 2013, 21:23, closed)

And I miss you too. Come back to me, Colonel.
I kept the locket, you know. All these years, I kept it.
(Frank Snow, Wed 20 Nov 2013, 9:12, closed)

If you have this many problems holding your liquor
maybe the pub isn't the best place to eat/imbibe your midday meal.
Particularly prior to a big and important meeting.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Wed 20 Nov 2013, 6:04, closed)

WELL WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU WITH THE ADVICE WHEN I ACTUALLY NEEDED IT, CHUMP CHANGE DUFRANE??? NOT IN THE PUB WHERE I FUCKING NEEDED YOU, THAT'S FOR FUCKING DAMN SURE. WE CAN ALL SEE WHERE I WENT WRONG IN HINDSIGHT. I'M NOT PROUD. DO YOU THINK I'M PROUD???

Also, the word you are grasping for is 'drink'.

thx bbz luv U xoxoxo
(Frank Snow, Wed 20 Nov 2013, 9:19, closed)