ok so as i am stuck with a 7 mile walk to work with the world's worst hangover courtesy of bob cunting crow
I have just remembered edwin. poor poor edwin.

Edwin was my friend evie's postman when we were about 13. One night i was staying over and her mother announced edwin would be babysitting. we speculated wildly about how fit he might be. I was secretly reading jilly cooper and was picturing 6'2 of gloucestershire gentry. Evie was thinking of patrick swayze in dirty dancing (far as i know, she still does. Daily). The real edwin disappointed on every single scrawny spotty bespectacled level.

Still he agreed to play table tennis, so evie's brother and i faced him and evie across the table. Evie is super-athletic and twice as competitive. Determined to beat us, growing wild with rage as edwin fluffed shot after shot and marcus and i were cruising at 19-4, she tossed the ball in the air and called out, "watch THIS for a serve, edwin". And promptly, utterly unintentionally, spanked him right on the ass with the bat. His face was such a picture of pain and surprise that i think marcus and i ruptured something laughing. Anyway, after that his authority was zero.

Which is why when her parents asked him to housesit a couple of years later, evie immediately had the biggest party. So you're 20 years old and the beautiful victorian 6 bed detached full of antiques etc that you've been entrusted with is suddenly filled with hordes of shrieking teenagers vomiting and knocking back the wine cellar... No wonder he spent it cowering in the lounge in a foetal ball. I think we had something like 5 people vomming inside, 3.5 lost virginities (the 0.5 was a friend who said she had but as she was still wearing her tights i found it hard to believe), 2 people superglued inside the spare room so we had to break the door down, poisoned koi carp, fag burns... Edwin was not employed again.

Apologies for length, dullness and lack of teenage porn, but i still have about 6 miles left to walk, so.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 3 Nov 2010, 8:28, 15 replies)

You typed that on the move?
How many people have you bashed into?

Good story, mind.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 3 Nov 2010, 8:37, closed)

Shanks Pony
did you step in any dog pooh on the way? I can't remember the last time I saw a dog egg
(TwinkleFuckingToes Has a ingrown toe nail, Wed 3 Nov 2010, 8:48, closed)

Poor Edwin
Merely endeavouring to help out in his community and yet gets bested by La Swipe et al


(Cracking yarn, mind!)
(Wibblist Last said "Wibble" on, Wed 3 Nov 2010, 9:08, closed)

Hahahahahahaha great stuff
"Watch THIS for a serve!"
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 3 Nov 2010, 9:31, closed)

i know you had to be there
but it was honestly one of the funniest things i have ever seen in my life to date. he cannoned forward into the table and clapped his hands over his arse and this sort of "ooooooooooh" grunt escaped him... i was on the floor of the garage in hysterics.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 3 Nov 2010, 9:51, closed)

Did you go out drinking with bob cunting crow last night?

(sabre-tooth monkey, Wed 3 Nov 2010, 10:21, closed)

Heck
of a long walk of shame!
(Suck it and Sea, Wed 3 Nov 2010, 11:32, closed)

Evie sounds like a right cunt.

(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Wed 3 Nov 2010, 14:20, closed)

oh no
you wouldn't say that if you met her, she is awesome!

come on, all she did was have a houseparty... what teenager doesn't?!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 3 Nov 2010, 17:13, closed)

Not mine!!!
Little fuckers can go trash someone else's house.....oh who am I kidding, of course they will, but they will pay for the damage and I will wake them up really early the following day by banging a wooden spoon against a saucepan next to their head....mainly because I am a complete cunt.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Wed 3 Nov 2010, 17:41, closed)

I am a civil servant...
... and I think I hate Bob Crow. So objectionable.
(Chopsey, Wed 3 Nov 2010, 18:55, closed)

Bob Crow gave you a hangover?
More likely it was the excessive consumption of alcohol. My tip would be to ensure that you stay topped up with water when/after you go out drinking, as dehydration accounts for most of the hangover symptoms.
A better understanding of industrial relations is good, but won't really help with the hangover.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 3 Nov 2010, 19:21, closed)

you do realise
that most of the male half of b3ta has long been fantasising about a threesome involving you and the oft-quoted evie, right?
(Guy Debord cette mauvaise réputation..., Wed 3 Nov 2010, 22:51, closed)

tell me more...

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 3 Nov 2010, 23:05, closed)

Most of the male 3/4 of b3ta has long been fantasising about a threesome involving you and the oft-quoted Evie.
God knows why. Unless you both look like Ramona Flowers.
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Thu 4 Nov 2010, 8:52, closed)

Based on this post
and some others, including that chat about your thousand-pound handbag a while back, I think you might actually be the poshest person on B3ta.

Great story, milady :)
(jennymnemonic, Thu 4 Nov 2010, 12:20, closed)