I've told this before but it was such a spectacular disaster it mght as well have another go.
Popped out for a few jars and a friendly chat with girl I fancied.
Nothing serious mind, but testing the water and finding out how she felt about me.
She suggests cider, I agree - although I seem to have some kind of genetic problem with cider (my dad is the same) in that it makes my legs wobbly even when I feel fine.
Not wanting to make a poor impression on the "1st date" I get stuck into the draught cider, matching her pint for pint. She's a tall girl who can handle her drink and I feel good to be with her and after more than a few pints am feeling warm and happy.
At this point I pop off the barstool for a p-break and manage to get my foot caught in the bottom bar, falling gracefully over.
She laughs. I laugh too. I return feeling much better and resolve to go steady on the booze.
Too late, I've already had enough for serious damage to occur.
Realising I'm now in a bit of a pickle I suggest we leave and I walk her home.
No more than 3 steps outside the pub I fall over,

ON MY FACE.

She helps me up, we try again.

I fall over on my face on the kerb.

My sister arrives, laughs and calls a cab seeing that I won't get anywhere using my legs.
I stand and fall over backwards into the gutter where the rain runs down my collar.
I give up trying to stand and await my fate. I have been given a bag of frozen peas for my swelling face.
The bag of peas bursts open in the taxi and I'm soundly cursed by the driver. I care little for his predicament.

Time passes.

I awake in my bed and feel a bit rough. Standing slowly I walk towards the bathroom.
The duvet follows me. It is attached firmly to my elbow by a large crusty clot of blood.
I soak my elbow in the sink to remove the duvet.
A glance in the mirror reveals a face not dissimilar to the bit in Terminator where his face has been blown off with a shotgun.
I call work and tell them I'm sick, it's the truth.
I retire to bed a broken individual with a hole in my elbow like a cat's arse covered in ketchup.
One eyelid has split at the corner like an overripe fruit.

I no longer drink cider.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Fri 18 Oct 2013, 9:08, 4 replies)

I only drink cider.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 18 Oct 2013, 9:18, closed)

I only wanted to be in cider.

( Infidel , shit and wrong, Fri 18 Oct 2013, 9:25, closed)

i like to dip my tongue in cider

(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Fri 18 Oct 2013, 10:46, closed)

i was nicknamed 'appleman' for some years after a similar incident
not the worst nickname, i grant you, but took a long time to live down.
( Another_tragic_case wished he hadn't eaten all the cake, Fri 18 Oct 2013, 10:35, closed)